Please put more jokes here

[NotAllThere]

I've written a script that's based entirely on puns, but the critics say it's just a play on words.

[LondonManc]

My girlfriend was only a whisky maker, but I loved her still

[WTFH]

I was lying on the bed last night pulling my boxers off when the wife walked in and said "you really spoil those dogs"

[SimonMac]

LATEST! David Cameron has booked into an STD clinic following the World Health Organisation's bacon warning.

[WTFH]

One from the Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Porcupine: Prime Minister misses ex partner.

[LondonManc]

Boy George was attacked by his pet lizard. The vet has advised him that he needs a calmer chameleon.

[SimonMac]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[WTFH]

They say that flatulence will get you nowhere, but it's got me thrown out of the library.




I was only in the library cause I was looking for a book on suicide. I asked the librarian and she said "f*** off, you won't bring it back"

[unixman]

What kind of music do wind turbines like?





They're all heavy metal fans

[vetran]

“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’” Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)
“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”