• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A minister went to the race track. When the horses came out on the track he noticed that a priest went up to one of the horses and put his hands on him and blessed him. The horse ran, and the winner was the horse the priest blessed. The second race the priest blessed the horse and it also won! The minister ran to the ATM machine and got some money. He came back to the track and watched as the priest went up to a horse and blessed it but this time also laid hands on his eyes, nozzle and all fur hoofs. The minister was pretty excited and went and put all his money on that horse. The race barely got started when the horse fell dead on the track!

    The minister located the priest and asked him, “What happened? Why did that horse you blessed die instead of win like the others? I put all my money on that horse!” “That’s the trouble with you Protestants” answered the priest. “You don’t know the difference between a blessing and the last rites!”

    Comment


      The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, rock salt, torch, spare battery, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.

      I looked a right twat on the bus.

      Comment


        its an old add ... but it really made me laugh

        Monster job Commercial - YouTube
        If UKIP are the answer, then it must have been a very stupid question.

        Comment


          Big Wide Dual Carriageway walks into a bar, muscles a bunch of other minor roads out of the way, and sits down at the bar. A lot of the roads around start to look scared, some leave without finishing their drinks. He bashes his money down on the table. "Barkeep! Gimme a beer."

          A few minutes later, Tall Long Motorway walks in. One look scatters the remaining roads, and even Big Wide Dual Carriageway goes and sits to one side, giving him space. "Barkeep! I'm well 'ard. I'm so 'ard I've got two 'ard shoulders. Gimme a beer, and I ain't payin'."

          Some minutes later still, Little Red Tarmac walks in. Big Wide Dual Carriageway and Tall Long Motorway immediately freeze, before slowly backing out of the bar, keeping their eyes on Little Red Tarmac all the way out. The barkeep, looking fearful, simply nods to Little Red Tarmac, then backs out into the kitchen, leaving Little Red Tarmac to take his fill of the bar.

          In the kitchen, the cook whispers to the barkeep: "I saw who came in. Big Wide Dual Carriageway and Tall Long Motorway are well 'ard, why did they run from Little Red Tarmac?"

          Barkeep leans closer. "Haven't you heard? He's a cycle path!"
          Join IPSE

          Comment


            I used to go out with a blind girl. We were in bed one night engaged in a bit of 'hanky panky'. she turned to me and said, "you've got the biggest willy I've every felt".

            I said "really... are you pulling my leg?"
            If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you!

            Comment


              Ah Blonde Jokes!

              Dear Diary,
              Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!
              Just because I'm a blonde doesn't mean I'm automatically stupid.

              So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year -- that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

              There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.
              I haven't heard anything back... Guess I won that stupid argument!
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                A blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car before she was pulled over by a female police officer - who was also a blonde.

                The cop asked to see the blonde's license. So she started digging through her purse and got progressively more agitated the longer she was unable to find it.

                "What does it look like?" she finally asked the cop.

                "Well, it's square and it has your picture on it."

                The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

                The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go... I didn't realize you were a cop."
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Two bored casino dealers were waiting at an empty craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
                  With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

                  The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

                  Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight
                    Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
                    Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
                    Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
                    Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
                    When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C"
                    Burnt her nose bobbing for french fries.
                    Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
                    Can't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.
                    Hates M&M's because they are so hard to peel.
                    Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.
                    Changes the baby's diaper only once a month because the label says "good up to 20 pounds"
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      and finally

                      A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde competed in a long distance breaststroke competition. The brunette returned to the finish line first, and took the blue ribbon, followed shortly by the redhead in second place.
                      Hours later, the blonde finally struggled to the finish line, exhausted, hypothermic, and nearly drowned. The officials pulled her out, bundled her up in blankets, and gave her a cup of hot cocoa to warm her up. Finally, when she had regained her strength, they asked her what had happened.

                      She replied, "you know, I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."




                      May your god / dog go with you!
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X