• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    After performing an ultrasound scan, the doctor tells the expecting mother:

    "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

    "The good news is that your child will never have a problem finding a parking spot."
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      and one for Zeity :

      Apparently they're building a new 'Super Prison' in North Wales.

      It's where all the baaad people will go.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        As Headmaster of a Catholic primary school, the first thing I have to do in the morning is read the register.

        In case any of my teachers have been put on it overnight.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

          She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

          "Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            After last night's game between England and Scotland, 10,000 beer cans were left in Trafalgar Square by Scottish football fans.

            Both of them have been arrested.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              How do you get a gypsy to take a bath?

              Leave it in your front garden
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                I don't envy the person who will have the job of Courtroom Artist at Rolf Harris' trial. Talk about pressure.
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  I like to brag to people how my son handles financial transactions for a multi-billion pound corporation.

                  It's easier than explaining I raised a muppet who cashiers at McDonald's.
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    There's a film about Supergirl going to be made. The advertising strapline for it will go

                    "Is it a bird?"

                    "Yep"
                    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                    Comment


                      Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

                      As if "**** off you loser" was going to get me into bed.
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X