Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[sadkingbilly]

A book just fell on my head.

I have only my shelf to blame.

[WTFH]

I decided to quit coffee and switch to orange juice.
I’m actually feeling a lot happier during the day.
My doctor thinks it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the rum. Either way it’s working.

[sadkingbilly]

[WTFH]

I keep having the same dream where I'm a horse.

I've had it five nights on the trot.

[WTFH]

One for the Christmas present list (apologies for the septic spelling):

[WTFH]

RIP to my neighbour.
He told his wife he was going out for some sewing thread, but he died after spending the day drinking in the pub
... Gone, but not for cotton.

[WTFH]

The Wife just threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me!
I think it was Lenor... it was too close for Comfort.

[sadkingbilly]

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[sadkingbilly]

i didn't realise how many americans were hindu, until i noticed how much they said 'Holy Cow'

[WTFH]

Top tip: if you want to stop people talking about the tax you haven’t paid, say people are eating swans.

[ladymuck]

[sadkingbilly]

If you've never had your car stolen in France, you don't know voiture missing.

I can't unhear that now.

[WTFH]

If you've never had your car stolen in France, you don't know voiture missing.

[WTFH]

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really complicated...

...and honestly, I don’t think you’d get it even if I explained it in the simplest way possible.

[WTFH]

Cars these days have too many gadgets.

I tried to reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.