Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[WTFH]

One for the Christmas present list (apologies for the septic spelling):

[WTFH]

RIP to my neighbour.
He told his wife he was going out for some sewing thread, but he died after spending the day drinking in the pub
... Gone, but not for cotton.

[WTFH]

The Wife just threw a bottle of fabric conditioner at me!
I think it was Lenor... it was too close for Comfort.

[sadkingbilly]

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.

[sadkingbilly]

i didn't realise how many americans were hindu, until i noticed how much they said 'Holy Cow'

[WTFH]

Top tip: if you want to stop people talking about the tax you haven’t paid, say people are eating swans.

[ladymuck]

[sadkingbilly]

If you've never had your car stolen in France, you don't know voiture missing.

I can't unhear that now.

[WTFH]

If you've never had your car stolen in France, you don't know voiture missing.

[WTFH]

The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really complicated...

...and honestly, I don’t think you’d get it even if I explained it in the simplest way possible.

[WTFH]

Cars these days have too many gadgets.

I tried to reverse, and it played a video of somebody getting run over by a car.

[sadkingbilly]

[sadkingbilly]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked. “What’s your Business at this convention?"
“Lecturer." She responded. "I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
“Really?” He said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well.” She explained. “One popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. "I’m Sorry." She said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name."
"Tonto." The man said. "Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba." ...........

[WTFH]

Police in Liverpool pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."

[WTFH]

I recently hired a handyman.
I presented him with his list of tasks to get done, but on further inspection he’s only done numbers 1, 3 and 5.
It turns out he only does odd jobs.