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Please put more jokes here

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  • vetran
    replied
    Having a candlelit dinner with the wife tonight.



    The electric bill's just arrived.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    I found out my doctor’s only been prescribing me placebos but the joke’s on him as I’m not really ill.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.



    Schwepped her off her feet.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

    It scared me so much that today I’ve decided never to read it again.

    Leave a comment:


  • WTFH
    replied
    Left some fruit and vegetables outside my house with an honesty box.

    When I returned, there was a note inside the box telling me I’m far too old to be wearing skinny jeans.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    A defendant gets found Not Guilty of stealing a car.

    So he says to the judge: "Can I keep the car then?"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Amber Heard arrived at court yesterday three hours too soon.

    The security guard said "your're early, tulip the bed?"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    one for WTFH

    I joined my local group of Onanists Anonymous, at the first session the facilitator asked "Has anyone accompanied you tonight?"

    I said "No, I come alone!"

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Me: Howard.

    Her: How do you know His name's Howard?

    Me: Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I just invented a new food called 'something'.

    People are always saying you should eat something. I'm a genius.

    Leave a comment:

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