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Please put more jokes here

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    Originally posted by SimonMac View Post
    What did the French mortican say after Dodi and Di's bodies were delivered to him and he had to put them in body bags?

    Zip-a-dee Dodi, Zip-a-dee Di
    My oh my what a wonderful day.


      Jock was homeless on the streets of Glasgow when one day he found a bottle in a bin that looked like it might have some alcohol in it. He opened the bottle, and was scared almost sober when a huge man in a turban and silk pants emerged in a plume of smoke.


      Jock thought for a moment, then said, "Arright. I want tae get ma hole."


      "Ma hole, ya ****en eejit! I want tae get fair stuck intae a wumman!"

      "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!", cried the genie, and with a clap of his hands, turned Jock into a tampon.

      Moral: if an offer sounds too good to be true, you can be sure there'll be a string attached.
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        An Englishman is driving his new Bugatti through Edinburgh when it breaks down.
        As he stands looking at his smoking engine a Scotsman approaches and asks "Wits wrang?" the Englishman responds "Piston Broke!" As he walks off the Scot says "aye me too pal."
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          A child, out of breath, opens the front door and says "Papa! Papa! Instead of taking the bus home from school, I ran behind the bus instead and saved twenty-five pence!"

          Father slaps him and screams "Spendthrift!! You should have run home behind a taxi and saved ten quid!"
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            A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash. As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again. Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."


              A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be
              upset. It won't be long now."

              Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

              When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

              The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began. The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."


                I've just read that "Vienna" by Ultravox has been voted the best ever No.2 song......this means nothing to me.
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                  ‎"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

                  "No," I said.

                  She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

                  "Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

                  "No," I said.

                  She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

                  "Now," she said, "have you ever seen 10,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

                  "No," I said, intrigued.

                  "Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."


                    What 7 words don't you want to hear after sex?

                    Hows about that then guys and gals


                      An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake........

                      He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
                      After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
                      'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

                      The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

                      In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

                      'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

                      1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

                      2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

                      3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

                      4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

                      5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

                      'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

                      The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,
                      'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times............'
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