Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

You know you're on a Chinese website when it asks you if you want to accept Fortune Cookies.

[vetran]

The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a ******* wand! What do I want with a ******* wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

"Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

"**** me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"

[vetran]

ewwww

My girlfriend and I were enjoying a bit of oral sex last night. She was sucking me off while I was licking her out. The mood soured when she suddenly shat down my face.

"What the ****?" I cried.

"It's a seventy-one," she replied.

"A seventy-one?"

"Yeah, it's a sixty-nine plus a number two."

[vetran]

How can you tell a male golfer from a female golfer?

By the hole in one!

[vetran]

You know how you can smack things to get them to work?

My wife and kids just sit there and cry.

[vetran]

My wife said, "I'll do anything you want in bed tonight."

How the **** is she going to cook a curry on a quilt?

[vetran]

Having gay parents must be ******* horrible. I mean, either you get twice the number of awful dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mum."

[LondonManc]

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.

[LondonManc]

This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift.
I was staring at her boobs when she said "would you please press one?"
So I did.
I don't remember much after that.

[vetran]

"I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David."

"On what grounds?"

"Pigamy."