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Please put more jokes here

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    You know you're on a Chinese website when it asks you if you want to accept Fortune Cookies.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      The morning of my wife's birthday I handed her her first gift. As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a ******* wand! What do I want with a ******* wand?"

      "It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

      "Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

      "Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

      "Okay," she said shaking the wand. "Abracadabra!"

      "**** me, love!" I said, peering down the side of the bed. "You're not going to believe this."

      "What is it?" she asked all excitedly.

      I said, "You've just made all your other presents disappear!"
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        ewwww

        My girlfriend and I were enjoying a bit of oral sex last night. She was sucking me off while I was licking her out. The mood soured when she suddenly shat down my face.

        "What the ****?" I cried.

        "It's a seventy-one," she replied.

        "A seventy-one?"

        "Yeah, it's a sixty-nine plus a number two."
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          How can you tell a male golfer from a female golfer?

          By the hole in one!
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            You know how you can smack things to get them to work?

            My wife and kids just sit there and cry.
            "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

            I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

            Comment


              My wife said, "I'll do anything you want in bed tonight."

              How the **** is she going to cook a curry on a quilt?
              "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

              I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

              Comment


                Having gay parents must be ******* horrible. I mean, either you get twice the number of awful dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "Go ask your mum."
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning and find a Tesco had been built next to his house. It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
                  The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                  Comment


                    This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in a lift.
                    I was staring at her boobs when she said "would you please press one?"
                    So I did.
                    I don't remember much after that.
                    The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn't exist

                    Comment


                      "I've just heard Samantha Cameron is thinking about divorcing David."

                      "On what grounds?"

                      "Pigamy."
                      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                      Comment

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