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Please put more jokes here

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    I've started writing crossword puzzles for a national newspaper. The money is not great but It's allowed me to buy a little two up two down house.
    "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

    I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

    Comment


      Went back home to Bradford today for the first time in over twenty years, brought back so many memories.


      Mainly, of why I ******* left.
      "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

      I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

      Comment


        My life in London was a lot like being Hugh Hefner.

        I was surrounded by c**ts.
        "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

        I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

        Comment


          I went to see a psychiatrist about my inability to please women.

          "I watch all these porno films and the best I can ever last is twenty minutes," I said.

          "Twenty minutes, eh? " he replied. "Well, here's the first thing we should do: let's swap seats."
          "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

          I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

          Comment


            If you are ever feeling powerless, just remember... a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
            {emotionless greeting}

            Three Word Slogan

            Comment


              1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.



              2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.



              3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.



              4. I, for one, like Roman numerals.



              5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.



              6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.



              7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

              8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.



              9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.



              10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.



              11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."



              12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.



              13. My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying.
              It seemed very important to him that I have it.



              14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

              15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."



              16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.



              17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.



              18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people.



              19. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.



              20. Whiteboards are remarkable.



              21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
              Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
              I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

              I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

              Comment


                Why isn't it legal for a man to marry a second woman?
                Because the law doesn't allow a man to be punished twice for the same offence!
                "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                Comment


                  your momma so fat a picture of her fell off the wall!
                  "If you didn't do anything that wasn't good for you it would be a very dull life. What are you gonna do? Everything that is pleasant in life is dangerous."

                  I want to see the hand of history on his collar.

                  Comment


                    Originally posted by vetran View Post
                    Why isn't it legal for a man to marry a second woman?
                    Because the law doesn't allow a man to be punished twice for the same offence!
                    What's the punishment for bigamy?

                    Two mother-in-laws
                    Originally posted by Stevie Wonder Boy
                    I can't see any way to do it can you please advise?

                    I want my account deleted and all of my information removed, I want to invoke my right to be forgotten.

                    Comment


                      What kind of cheese do you use to hide a horse?


                      Mascepone
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