Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

"Why Switzerland?" asked the travel agent. "It's really expensive, and not much fun."

"My wife told me to book a holiday," I replied, "and I suggested North Wales. But she said she'd rather die than go there."

[vetran]

I just opened up a gym where my entire staff asks you a series of annoying questions every so often for the length of your stay.

Welcome to Jehovah's Fitness.

[vetran]

It was late when the new temp in work turned to me in a panic. "Oh my God!" She cried, "What have I done? I've lost everything! They're going to sack me on first day!"

"Calm down," I told her, looking at her PC. "I think I can fix this.... but you've got to do something for me first."

"Anything," she nodded, "I need this job!"

As I unzipped my trousers she knelt down in front of me and gave the best blow job I'd ever had.

Afterwards, I turned back to her computer and gave the mouse a little shake. As the screen saver disappeared I winked, "You know where to come if this ever happens again."

[vetran]

L'Oreal camouflage paint. Because you're war fit.

[vetran]

As I watched the torment of the 2 girls in Peru charged with drug smuggling and facing 10 years in prison, the anguish etched across their faces, I couldn't help but think...





















...I'd shag the blonde one.

[vetran]

For Scooter!

Moving that panda to Scotland was a stroke of genius.

A bag of chips, a can of special brew, and the jobs a good one.

[vetran]

I've reached that stage in my relationship where "give it to me" no longer refers to my penis but to my credit card.

[vetran]

After having sex with my 77-year-old F**K buddy, I like to make her sleep in the dry patch.

[vetran]

As a professional photographer, it really pisses me off when people look at my work and say "These are beautiful, you must have a really good camera."

**** off, you *****!!

You wouldn't say to Gordon Ramsay "That was delicious Gordon, you must have a tremendous saucepan."

[vetran]

At lunchtime today I went to McDonalds for the fourth time this week. I ordered a meal and the assistant asked, "Would you like to go large?"

"No thank you." I replied.

She said, "Well you better stop coming in here to ******* eat all the time then."