Please put more jokes here

[vetran]

And today's celebrity quiz:

I did 'two little boys' in the 70's

And two little girls in the 80's.

Who am I?

[vetran]

"'Great white shark' doesn't have a hyphen." my teacher told me, handing back my homework.

"Yes it does." I argued. "You can see it sticking out the water."

[vetran]

I was out having dinner with my new girlfriend when the bill arrived "Do you want to go doggy?" I asked.

She replied laughing "Don't you mean Dutch?"

"No," I said "I mean if you go doggy you don't need to go Dutch"

[vetran]

I was in the pub, and the barmaid asked me what job I had.

I said "I'm my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, she said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple." I replied "The wife has told me that when she wants my F*****G advice, she'll ask me for it."

[vetran]

I was rescued from the top of a mountain after managing to make a call to the emergency services on my mobile phone.

I got quite a bill that month. They charged it on a peak tariff.

[vetran]

I decided to take some Salsa lessons and surprise the missus.

But they sent me home after I showed up with a bag of tortilla chips.

[vetran]

I think I surpassed Jesus's water into wine miracle last night.

I turned a small blue pill into 8 inches of wood.

[vetran]

Cheryl Cole may have got 2 roses on her arse, but that's nothing, my girlfriend's got about 1,000 Quality Street on hers.

[vetran]

I just won my first argument with the missus.

and now I get to sleep on the couch for it.

[vetran]

one of our posters?

"There's a special place in hell for you, you self-centered, pretentious bastard!" shouted my ex.

"I really hope so," I thought to myself, "I sure as **** wouldn't want to be around the rest of those common, everyday peasants."