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    A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

    Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

    Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

    While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his quest ions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

    Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

    Harry: '9.'

    Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

    Harry: '3 6.'

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

    The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'

    Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'

    The principal and Harry both agreed.

    Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

    Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

    Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

    The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

    Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

    Harry: 'Pants.'

    Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'

    Harry: 'Coconut.'

    The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

    The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

    Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

    Harry: 'Shake hands.'

    The principal was trembling.

    Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and end s in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

    Harry: 'Firetruck.'

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !


      Rindercella and her Sugly Isters

      This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

      Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

      Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

      At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

      The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

      Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks

      The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

      At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

      The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

      When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

      Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

      He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.
      "Wait, I still function!"


        wall street wisecracks

        "I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you
        get any e-mails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall
        for it" - Jay Leno

        "Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are now? Wall Street is now being
        called Wal-Mart Street" - Jay Leno

        The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker? The pigeon
        can still make a deposit on a BMW

        Q: What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and
        an investment banker? A: A tie

        What does AIG stand for? American Innocence and Greed

        The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side
        nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left

        I went to buy a toaster and it came with a bank.


          What's the capital of Iceland ?

          About 10p


            An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to
            ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

            'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor?

            'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

            'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an
            'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet
            into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try
            and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

            It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who
            directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear
            exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

            T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

            'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

            'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his
            coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped
            straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his
            pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he
            sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes
            to tatters and took me then and there passionately on
            the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an
            absolute nightmare!'

            'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the
            sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

            'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25
            years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able
            to show me face in 'McDonalds' again!


              A middle aged man was sitting on the bus when a punk got on board and sat opposite him. The punk had yellow green and blue hair, was pierced all over, and the man just kept staring.

              'What's the matter?' the punk asked.

              'Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?'

              'Yes,' the man said. 'When I was in the navy I once got drunk and slept with a parrot I was wondering if you were my son.'


                A man is pleasuring himself in his bedroom. As he finishes, he looks up to see the window cleaner staring at him.

                Red-faced, the man rushes downstairs as he hears a knock at the door.

                'I've done your windows,' the window cleaner says with a wink and a smirk. 'That'll be £100.'

                Hurriedly, the man pays him and shuts the door.

                The man's wife, who's been listening, yells: 'Eh? A hundred quid for cleaning four small windows? He must have seen you coming!'

                Q Why can't a man ever please a woman?
                A Because no man has a willy made of chocolate that ejaculates money.


                  An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several
                  years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted
                  Mango and Avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it
                  was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there in the shade of the fruit trees.

                  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

                  He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

                  As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

                  One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

                  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'
                  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile.'

                  Moral: Old men may walk slowly, but they can still think fast!


                    Q What's worse than finding a maggot down your new boyfriend's underpants
                    A Realising it's not a maggot


                      Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives

                      1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

                      2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

                      3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

                      4. A dog's parents never visit.

                      5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

                      6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

                      7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

                      8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

                      9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, if I died, would you get another dog?

                      10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

                      11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

                      12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

                      13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

                      14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
                      Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?