My Grandad once told me he got chucked out of the public swimming pool for peeing in the water. He reckons he would have got away with it if he hadn't been stood on the top diving board when he did it.
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Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket? -
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Paddy the electrician has been sacked from HP Prison Service. When asked to fix the electric chair he was heard to say; "I'm not going anywhere near that, it's look like a bl**dy deathtrap"Comment
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A lorry carrying a load of Viagra crashed into the River Thames. Tower Bridge stayed up for three days.
Q What did the nun say when she was cycling down a cobbled road on a bike with no saddle?
A 'I've come this way before.'
A woman meets a man at a birthday do and asks him: 'Do you like parties?'
'Yes,' he replies
'Good,' she says 'I'll rummage in your boxers and have a ball!'
A woman overhears her hubby bragging to his mate in the lounge. 'Once I had sex with my wife for over an hour,' he boasts.
'When was that, then?' his wife laughs from the kitchen.
'The nights the clocks went forward,' he shouts back.Comment
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Be careful of the badger,
Said the sign on the gate,
But the beast bit off my tadger...
I read the sign too late
'Oh dear,' a woman sighs one morning, realising she's forgotten to go to an important appointment. 'I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone.'
'I'm not surprised,' her husband comments from behind his paper. 'You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 20 years.'Comment
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a policeman from near Clapham junction
had a pen1s that just wouldn't function
for the rest of his life
he misled his poor wife
with some snot on the end of his truncheon
(\__/)
(>'.'<)
("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to WorkComment
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Why women prefer Dogs
* Spots are an attractive feature on a dog.
* Dogs enjoy ball games. But they don't spend six hours on the phone trying o get tickets for France 98.
* Dogs greet each other by sniffing bottoms. Men are far less polite.
* Dogs can find their way back home - even after a really heavy night out
* A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
* ...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.
* Dogs will wait patiently outside clothes shops...
* ...and not criticize your purchases afterwards.
* Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.
* A woman can live with more than one dog, without rumours starting.
* When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.
* Dogs sometimes dig the garden.
* Dogs are less reliant on tinned food...
* ...but after a few cans, a dog will still be able to stand up.
* And there are some things even a dog won't eat - like the remains of a three-day-old King Prawn vindaloo that they found on the floor behind the sofa.
* Dogs do not waste money betting on the dogs.
* You can stop dogs getting too randy by throwing a bucket or water over them.
* If a dog starts worrying sheep, that's just its natural predatory instinct.
* If a MAN starts worrying sheep, however...
* You can fondle your dog in the park without being arrested.
* A dog will encourage you to lose weight by taking more exercise. A man will just remark on how big your bum looks.
* Dogs do not attack other dogs for being a different colour.
* A dog can take a barrel of brandy to a lost mountaineer without drinking ANY.
* A dog will be eager to walk, rather than getting a taxi.
* Dogs have a highly-developed sense of smell. Men, on the other hand, can quite happily wear the same pair of pants for a fortnight.
* A dog might actually take a bath of its own accord.
* There's more chance of your dog being able to operate the video recorder.
* Dogs do not scratch themselves so much in polite company.
* A man will roll over and play dead only if you ask him to get up and make coffee.
* A dog is a pack animal. A man is a six-pack animal.
* Dogs spend the day sniffing drugs only if they're with the police.
* Dogs aren't obsessed with 'doing it man-fashion'Just call me Matron - Too many handbagsComment
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A man walks into a psychiatrist wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist took one look at him and said: 'I can clearly see you're nuts.'
1st man: I've just bought a bargain bucket of Viagra - £1 for 50 tablets.
2nd man: Why are they so cheap?
1st man: There a week past their swell-by date.
The police were called out to two hooligans. One had been charged with drinking battery acid, the other had been eating fireworks. They charged the first man and let the other one off.Comment
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You know you're name is Osama if...
You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
You have more wives than teeth.
You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'
You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.(\__/)
(>'.'<)
("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to WorkComment
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If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. Th e brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.Comment
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