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    A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew
    what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if
    they knew the correct sounds.

    "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

    Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

    "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"

    "Baaaa," answered Billy.

    She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig

    All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She
    chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep
    breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-f***a!"


      A group of OAPs were exchanging notes about their ailments.

      "My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup."

      "Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't see to pour
      the coffee."

      "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."

      "My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."

      "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."

      "Well, it's not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!"


        There were two Jewish women (Ruth and Golda) walking along the street.
        Ruth says to Golda, "My son, Irving, is finally getting married. He
        tells me he is engaged to a wonderful girl, but... he thinks she may
        have a disease called herpes.

        Golda says to Ruth, "Do you have any idea what this herpes is, and can
        he catch it?"

        Ruth answers, "No, but I am just so thrilled to hear about Irving's
        engagement. It's past time he's settled. As far as the herpes
        goes...who knows?"

        "Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary at home --
        I'll look it up and call you." So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and
        calls Ruth... "Ruth, keinahurra (thank goodness!), I found it. Not to
        worry! It says herpes is a disease of the gentiles!"


          The Ridley brothers were 4 jugglers that worked the working mens clubs.
          There were not very good, and as time passed they got less and less work.
          After one long resting period they rang their agent and suggested that he
          must be able to get them some work somewhere. Eventually he rang back to
          tell them he had got them a week at a working mens club in Salford, for
          £200. Not £200 each, but between them. And the job didn't start for 3
          weeks. They reluctantly accepted this assignment, and started looking for
          a way to get 4 people to Manchester that wouldn't swallow most of the fee.
          After a couple of days Jack, the youngest and least regarded, said that
          he had got talking to this bloke Harry in a pub who was taking a narrow
          boat to Manchester and would take the four of them free, just for the
          company. Again they were reluctant, but beggars and choosers, and it meant
          they got free accommodation for a fortnight, so they agreed. So they set
          off, slowly wending their way through the waterways. At every lock the
          lock keeper would ask "What're you carrying?" and Harry would answer
          "Twenty tons of horsesh1t and the Ridley brothers." On the last morning,
          while they were eating breakfast, Harry said "I shall miss you, you've
          been good company." At this, Sydney, the senior Ridley, said "In that
          case, next time a lock keeper asks you what you're carrying, is there any
          chance we could have top billing?".


            This guy is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife has left him, he has
            lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.
            Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father
            Christmas taps him on the shoulder.
            "Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.
            The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
            "Stop !" shouts Father Christmas. "I will grant you three wishes on the
            Understanding that you will do me a favour".
            "Would you ?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!! Thank you, thank
            you !"
            Father Christmas promises him that:
            1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her
            sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return,
            she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.
            2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with
            your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have
            any recollection of your sacking.
            3. You shall go to your bank and you will be in credit, you will have no
            outstanding bills.
            "Oh thank you, thank you !" says the man. "What is it that I can do for
            Father Christmas tells the man to drop his pants and bend over.
            After a quite brutal rogering, Father Christmas asks the man how old he
            "36" replies the man.
            "You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas!" laughed the jolly fat
            gay bas***d.


              Carlos the ice-cream man's van is parked at the side of the road. Lights
              flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the
              street. But no sign of Carlos.

              A policeman walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is
              Carlos? Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream.

              He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter. On the floor he
              spots Carlos, lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry
              sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.

              "Get back kids," he shouts. Moving away so the bemused kids cannot
              overhear him he gets on the radio to the station. "Sarge get someone down
              here quick," he stutters, "It's Carlos the ice-cream man ... he's topped


                >BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
                >missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
                >SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
                >everything, and then leaves.
                >CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the Employee
                >headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
                >CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
                >IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators
                >MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
                >PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
                >farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
                >SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies
                >turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
                >with the kids.
                >SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
                >STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with
                >kids, no property and no regrets.
                >STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
                >SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
                >magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
                >TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from
                >jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just
                >TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
                >XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
                >GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it.
                >reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have
                >snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
                >ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an
                >office or work group.
                >ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
                >advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
                >CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta
                >figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa.
                >FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to
                >leave a company or department soon.
                >GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order
                >pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent
                >IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you
                >find your-self unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
                >example. Bill Clinton's shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
                >PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine are of whacking the heck out of an
                >electronic device to get it to work again.
                >UNINSTALLED: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice-mail of a vice
                >president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of
                >Uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the
                >for assistance.
                >*(Syn: decruitment.)
                >VULCAN NERVE PINCH: The taxing hand position required to reach all the
                >appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm re-boot for
                >a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
                >Command Key, the Return Key, and the Power On key.
                >YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs
                >Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, "We each owe $8,
                >all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
                >SALMON DAY- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
                >to get screwed and die in the end.
                >CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised
                >activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a
                >ADMINISHPERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
                >rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
                >profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
                >DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the
                >experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been
                >dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
                >404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404
                >Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't
                >bother asking him. . . he's 404, man."
                >GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no
                >matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
                >Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were
                >OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
                >you've just made a BIG mistake.
                >UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate
                >relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ...friend."


                  > Subject: 1999 Darwin Awards
                  > Ladies And Gentlemen... (drum roll... and envelope please)...We
                  > proudly present the 1999 "Natural Selection" awards:...
                  > 5th runner-up: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died
                  > when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while
                  > riding down the slope on a foam pad. 22-year old David Hubal
                  > was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident
                  > occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department
                  > said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
                  > called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from
                  > lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
                  > Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit
                  > towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the
                  > ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
                  > investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with
                  > its pad removed.
                  > 4th Runner-up: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
                  > disorderly in a St.Louis market. When the clerk threatened to
                  > call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his
                  > mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him
                  > unconscious in front of the store.
                  > Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it
                  > had choked him to death.
                  > 3rd Runner-up: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot
                  > a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
                  > instantly when it fell on him.
                  > 2nd Runner-up: "Man loses face at party". A man at a West
                  > Virginia party (probably related to the man in Arkansas who used
                  > the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a
                  > blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an
                  > explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24,
                  > of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party
                  > late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne.
                  > "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was
                  > trying to explode it", said Payne. "It wouldn't go off and this
                  > guy said I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it into his
                  > mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and
                  > tongue off", Payne said.
                  > Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with
                  > extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area
                  > Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something
                  > like that" Payne said.
                  > 1st Runner-up: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an
                  > Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to
                  > be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony
                  > Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
                  > initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably
                  > known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.
                  > A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow
                  > entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow
                  > gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been
                  > cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
                  > Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the
                  > arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at
                  > the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
                  > vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the
                  > arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts
                  > admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
                  > Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No charges have been
                  > filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said
                  > the initiation stunt is under investigation.
                  > Now this year's winners: (The late) John Pernicky and his
                  > friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
                  > decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George Washington
                  > amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them),
                  > they
                  > thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and
                  > sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck over to
                  > the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was
                  > 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then
                  > assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky,
                  > there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence.
                  > Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
                  > tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm, as
                  > it were) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts.
                  > Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
                  > some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would
                  > break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut
                  > away his shorts to free himself from the tree.
                  > Finally free, (did I mention that he is THE LATE) Mr.Pernicky
                  > crashed into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his
                  > ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly
                  > branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on
                  > landing, his pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The
                  > late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain
                  > and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety (now
                  > he thinks of the "S" word) by tying the rope to the pick-up truck
                  > and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state,
                  > he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing
                  > on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the
                  > crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck
                  > and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries.
                  > Upon moving the truck, they found John under it, half-naked
                  > scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
                  > his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in
                  > the air. Congratulations gentlemen, you win...


                    A professor at the University of Swansea is giving a lecture to the
                    fresher year students on the supernatural. To get a feel for his
                    audience, in one of the biggest lecture halls on the campus, he
                    asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students
                    raise their hands.
                    "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in
                    ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
                    About 40 students raise their hands.
                    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Now,
                    has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
                    15 students raise their hands.
                    "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
                    3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you
                    one further question... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
                    At this, one student way in the back raises his hand.
                    The professor is astonished.
                    He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all
                    the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to
                    have slept with a ghost... You've simply got to come up here and
                    tell us about your experience."
                    The student, who happens to be a local lad from Tenby, replies with
                    a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As
                    he ambles slowly toward the podium the professor says,
                    "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
                    The student replies,
                    "Ghost?!? Shiiiiiite... From way back there I thought you said


                      There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this
                      shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks
                      back he sees the shark turn and head towards him.

                      His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to
                      death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open
                      revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God!
                      Save me!"

                      In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.

                      The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say,
                      "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in

                      Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well,
                      that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make
                      the shark believe in you?"

                      The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the
                      heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the
                      atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on
                      him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

                      Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and
                      bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about
                      to receive ..."