• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    After the recent Anti-trust hearings, Bill Gates recently compared
    the software market with the soft drink market. He says Microsoft is
    struggling to survive but that the beverage giant will be on top
    forever because the Department of Justice doesn't pick on them. Of
    course, Bill should be careful not to give Coke any ideas. We might
    end up with a scenario like the following:

    Joe: (walking into McDonalds) Hi, I'd like a Big Mac.

    Cashier: Okay, here's your Big Mac and here's your Coke. That'll be

    Joe: Uh, I don't want a Coke.

    Cashier: Sorry, they're bundled.

    Joe: What? I'm not paying for a Coke!

    Cashier: You don't; the Coke is free.

    Joe: But wasn't a Big Mac $2.49 last week?

    Cashier: Sure, but this latest Big Mac is far more innovative. It's
    got integrated Coke!

    Joe: I already bought a Snapple across the street... I'm not going
    to drink the Coke.

    Cashier: Then you can't have the burger.

    Joe: Okay, fine, I will pay the $3.99 and throw the Coke away.

    Cashier: Oh, you can't do that. They're seamlessly integrated. Totally

    Joe: How can that be? They're two totally separate things!

    Cashier: No, watch. (takes Big Mac, dunks it in a tank of Coke) See?

    Joe: Why did you just do that?!

    Cashier: It's a benefit to the consumer. Otherwise you'd end up with
    two different, inconsistent tastes. This way you're assured of a
    continuous taste across all your foods.

    Joe: Aaarrgh!


      One evening, after a particularly successful Jedi mission against
      the Empire, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker decide to treat
      themselves to dinner at a Chinese restaurant. Luke is particularly
      looking forward to it since he's never eaten Chinese food before.

      They enter the restaurant, sit down and have soon placed their
      order - Half a crispy fried duck, some sweet and sour pork, some
      noodles and a huge bowl of rice. When the food arrives, Obi-Wan
      Kenobi picks up his chopsticks and immediately dives into the food.
      He tucks into all the dishes with relish.

      After a while, however, Obi-Wan Kenobi notices that Luke has not
      started eating - He is looking down at his chopsticks pensively.

      "Are you not feeling hungry tonight, Luke?", he says, "I thought
      you were looking forward to coming here".

      "Oh no, I'm fine", Luke replies sheepishly. He picks up his
      chopsticks and gingerly attempts to pick up a piece of duck. He
      manages to raise no more than a few inches from his plate before
      it drops to his plate.

      Obi-Wan Kenobi smiles tenderly at Luke. He leans over the table
      and says, sympathetically, "Don't worry Luke, try some sweet and

      So Luke reaches out for the sweet and sour. This time, he manages to
      raise the food most of the way towards his mouth but, again, the food
      drops from his clutches, leaving a nasty bright red stain on his freshly
      laundered white rebel suit. He looks very embarrassed.

      Obi-Wan Kenobi remains outwardly calm but is inwardly seething. In
      a stern voice he chides Luke. "I have not been so embarrassed for
      a long time. Can one who is so deft with the light-sabre not master
      simple chopsticks? You must concentrate more, Luke. Try some noodles".

      Luke bites his lip, clearly unused to failing before his tutor. He
      picks up his chopsticks again. In one desperate sweeping action of his
      hand he grabs a few noodles between his chopsticks and flings them
      towards his mouth. The noodles go everywhere but his mouth - On his
      his clothes, the floor, the table! He turns a bright shade of red.

      This time Obi-Wan Kenobi can contain himself no more. His face red
      with anger, he rages, "Luke, you are humiliating me in public. What
      will people think, that I, who has trained a thousand Jedis, cannot
      even teach you to eat properly in public? LUKE, JUST USE THE FORKS.


        Darth Vadar to Luke Skywalker: Luke, I know what you're getting for
        Luke Skywalker: How come, Darth?
        Darth Vadar: I have felt your presents.


          A little boy came down to breakfast one day.
          Since he lived on a farm,
          his mother asked if he had done his chores.

          "Not yet," said the little boy.

          His mother tells him he can't have any
          breakfast until he does his
          chores. Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes
          to feed the chickens,
          and he kicks a chicken.

          He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a

          He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

          He goes back in for breakfast and his mother
          gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

          "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
          Why don't I have any milk in my cereal, he asks?

          "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a
          chicken, so you don't get
          any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't
          get any bacon, either. I
          also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't
          getting any milk this morning."

          Just about then, his father comes down for
          breakfast, and he kicks the
          cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

          The little boy looks up at his mother with a
          smile, and says, "Are you
          going to tell him, or Should I?"


            A mother was walking down the hall when she
            heard a humming sound
            coming from her daughters bedroom. When
            she opened the door she found her
            daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

            "What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

            The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at
            home with my
            parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a

            Later that week the father was in the kitchen
            and heard a humming
            sound coming from the basement. When he
            went downstairs, he found his
            daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

            "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

            The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at
            home with my
            parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a

            A couple of days later the mother heard the
            humming sound again, this
            time in the living room. Upon entering the
            room, she found her husband
            watching television with the vibrator buzzing
            away beside him.

            "What are you doing?" she asked.

            He replied, "Watching the game with my



              God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
              better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
              following questions.

              Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
              confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you
              prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

              1. How did you find out about your Deity?
              ___ Newspaper
              ___ Bible
              ___ Torah
              ___ Book of Mormon
              ___ Koran
              ___ Divine inspiration
              ___ Dead Sea Scrolls
              ___ My mama done tol' me
              ___ Near-death experience
              ___ Near-life experience
              ___ National Public Radio
              ___ Tabloid
              ___ CNN
              ___ Burning shrubbery
              ___ Other (specify): _____________

              2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
              ___ Yahweh
              ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]
              ___ Jehovah
              ___ Jesus
              ___ Krishna
              ___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
              ___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
              ___ Allah
              ___ Satan
              ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
              ___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
              ___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
              ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

              3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
              and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
              ___ Yes
              ___ No

              If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please
              indicate all that apply:
              ___ Not eternal
              ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos
              ___ Not omniscient
              ___ Not omnipotent
              ___ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
              ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
              ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
              ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
              ___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
              ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
              ___ Requires burnt offerings
              ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
              ___ Plays dice with the universe

              4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity? Please
              check all that apply.
              ___ Indoctrinated by parents
              ___ Needed a reason to live
              ___ Indoctrinated by society
              ___ Needed focus in whom to despise
              ___ Imaginary friend grew up
              ___ Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
              ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
              ___ Hate to think for myself
              ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
              ___ Fear of death
              ___ Wanted to piss off parents
              ___ Needed a day away from work
              ___ Desperate need for certainty
              ___ Like organ music
              ___ Need to feel morally superior
              ___ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
              ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

              5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were you
              fooled by? Please check all that apply.
              ___ Mick Jagger
              ___ Rajanish
              ___ Baal
              ___ The almighty dollar
              ___ Bill Gates
              ___ Left-wing liberalism
              ___ The radical right
              ___ Ra
              ___ Beelzebub
              ___ Barney T.B.P.D.
              ___ The Great Spirit
              ___ The Great Pumpkin
              ___ The sun
              ___ Elvis
              ___ Cindy Crawford
              ___ The moon
              ___ TV news
              ___ Burning shrubbery
              ___ Other: ________________

              6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
              Please check all that apply.
              __ Tarot
              __ Lottery
              __ Astrology
              __ Television
              __ Fortune cookies
              __ Ann Landers
              __ Psychic Friends Network
              __ Dianetics
              __ Palmistry
              __ Playboy/Playgirl
              __ Self-help books
              __ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
              __ Biorhythms
              __ Alcohol
              __ Bill Clinton
              __ Tea leaves
              __ EST
              __ CompuServe
              __ Mantras
              __ Jimmy Swaggert
              __ Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle)
              __ Human sacrifice
              __ Pyramids
              __ Wandering in a desert
              __ Burning shrubbery
              __ Barney T.B.P.D.
              __ Barney Fife
              __ Other: ___________

              7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
              balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
              (circle one)?

              a. More divine intervention
              b. Less divine intervention
              c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
              d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

              8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
              Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:
              (1=Unsatisfactory, 5=Excellent)

              flood 1 2 3 4 5
              famine 1 2 3 4 5
              earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
              war 1 2 3 4 5
              pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
              plague 1 2 3 4 5
              spam 1 2 3 4 5
              AOL 1 2 3 4 5

              rescues 1 2 3 4 5
              spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
              stars hovering over jerkwater towns 1 2 3 4 5
              crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
              water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
              walking on water 1 2 3 4 5
              VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
              Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
              getting any sex whatsoever 1 2 3 4 5

              9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
              quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary.)

              If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our
              conveniently located drop-off boxes by October 31 you will be entered in the
              One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are
              approximately one in 6.023 x 10 to the 23d power, depending on number of
              beings entered).


                A husband and wife are getting all excited in bed. The passion is
                heating up, when all of a sudden the wife stops and says,

                "I just don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

                The husband asks, "WHAT??"

                The wife explains, "You are obviously not in tune with my emotional
                needs as a woman."

                The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
                might as well deal with it.

                Anyway, the next day the husband takes her shopping at Harvey Nichols.
                He walks around, and has her try on three amazingly expensive outfits.
                As she emerges from the fitting room wearing the third outfit, he
                tells his wife, "We'll take all three."

                Then he leads her to the shoe department, telling her to get matching
                shoes (worth $200 a pair) for each outfit. From there, he goes to the
                jewelry department, where he picks out a set of diamond earrings.

                The wife is SO excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out,
                but she doesn't care.

                While in the jewelry department she asks him for a tennis bracelet.
                The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but okay, if you
                like it, then let's get it."

                The wife is now jumping up and down she's so excited, she cannot
                even believe what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, let's
                go to the cash register."

                The husband says, "No, Honey, we're not going to BUY all this stuff."
                The wife's face goes blank.

                "No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while,
                since you are obviously not in tune with my financial needs as a man".


                  GRAVITY KILLS
                  A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use
                  occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to
                  bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County
                  police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these
                  straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end
                  to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement.
                  Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia
                  was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that

                  he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
                  the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death
                  was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.


                    LAUNCHED ON THE FOURTH OF JULY ...
                    Three young men visiting Oklahoma were enjoying the coming Fourth of
                    July holiday and wanted to apparently test fire some fireworks. Their
                    only real problem was that their launch pad and seating arrangements
                    were atop a several hundred thousand gallon fuel distillation storage
                    tank. Oddly enough, some fumes were ignited, producing a fireball seen
                    for miles and miles. They were launched, no doubt, countless thousands
                    of feet into the air and were found dead 50 yards from their respective


                      DON'T ASK GOD TO PROVE HIMSELF, HE JUST MIGHT...
                      A lawyer [ ! ] and two of his buddies were fishing on Caddo Lake in
                      Texas. A lightning storm hit the lake and most of the fisherman
                      immediately headed for the shore. But not our friend the lawyer. He was
                      alone on the rear of his aluminum bass boat and his buddies were in the
                      front. This gentleman stood up, spread his arms wide (crucifixion
                      style) and shouted: "HERE I AM LORD, LET ME HAVE IT!" Needless to say,
                      God delivered [well, you would, wouldn't you?]. The other two passengers

                      on the boat survived and are said to have immediately joined the