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Please put more jokes here

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    Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I
    know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
    anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
    "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise?"

    "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
    prove it."

    So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
    on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise
    shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your
    friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

    Although impressed, Colin's boss is still sceptical.
    After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that
    he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Colin says.
    "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yes," Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to
    Washington."

    And off they go.

    At the White House, Clinton spots Colin on the tour
    and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin,
    what a surprise, I was just on my way to a
    meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
    let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not
    totally convinced. After they leave the White House
    grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who
    again implores him to name anyone else.

    "The Pope," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and
    I've known the Pope a long time."

    So off they fly to Rome. Colin and his boss are
    assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when
    Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
    Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
    know all the guards so let me just go
    upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
    Pope."

    And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the
    Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with
    the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin
    returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack
    and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to
    his boss's side, Colin asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until
    you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the
    man next to me said, "Who the f**k's that on the
    balcony with Colin?"

    Comment


      Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon
      after the last child is born her husband dies.

      A few months later she remarries and over the following years has
      another 22 children with her
      second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also
      dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time.
      Unfortunately, she becomes very ill and dies.

      At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her
      coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally
      together."

      A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do
      you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second
      husband?"

      The priest says, "I mean her legs."

      Comment


        Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify personality on what
        drinks were chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on
        almost all counts.

        The results:

        IF WOMEN DRINK:

        Drink : Beer.
        Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
        Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.

        Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella.
        Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
        Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

        Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
        Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
        Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

        Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
        Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
        Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

        Drink : Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
        Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually
        has absolutely no clue.
        Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

        Drink : Baileys.
        Personality : Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
        Approach : Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

        Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
        Personality : Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and
        naked.
        Approach : Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

        IF MEN DRINK:

        Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

        Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to get laid.

        Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

        Bitter : He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

        Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

        Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

        Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
        image and help him get laid.

        Vodka or Brandy : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm scarf.
        Desperate
        to get laid.

        Port : Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants to
        get laid.

        Whisky : He doesn't give two tulips about anything and will hit
        anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.

        Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all
        about feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.)to weasel himself into
        getting laid.

        Tequila : Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

        Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc : He's gay
        (Blatantly).

        Comment


          A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

          Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the
          problem?"

          "My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."

          "Gee, that's tough," he replied.

          "Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
          $50,000."

          "Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

          "And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

          "Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

          "Then this month," continued the friend, "nothing.....!"

          Comment


            Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They
            were quite successful in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot
            came back, as arranged, to pick them up.

            They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But
            the pilot objected and he said, "The plane can only take four of your elk;
            you will have to leave two behind."

            They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot
            had allowed them to put all aboard. The plane was the same model and
            capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot finally permitted them to put all six
            aboard. But when the attempted to take off and leave the valley, the little
            plane could not make it and they crashed into the wilderness.

            Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know
            where we are?"

            "I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place
            where we crashed last year..."

            Comment


              In the beginning was the Plan.
              And then came the Assumptions.
              And the Assumptions were without form.
              And the Plan was without substance.
              And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
              And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying "This is a crock
              of tulip and it stinks."
              And the Workers went to their Supervisors and said "It is a pail
              of dung and we can't live with the smell."
              And the Supervisors went to their Managers, saying "It is a
              container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may
              abide it."
              And the Managers went to their Directors, saying "It is a vessel
              of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength."
              And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one
              another; "It contains that which aids plant growth and it is
              very strong."
              And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto
              them "It promotes growth and is very powerful."
              And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto
              him "This new plan will actively promote growth and vigour of
              the company with very powerful effects."
              And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
              And the Plan became policy.
              And that is how tulip happens.

              Comment


                A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was
                placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
                flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
                eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
                opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just
                then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

                The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

                "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

                "What's so funny about that?"

                "I'm a gynecologist."

                Comment


                  In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
                  leaving for the crusades and called one of his squires. "I'm leaving
                  for the crusades. I'm entrusting you with the key to my wife's
                  chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the
                  key."

                  The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe, and
                  takes one last look at his castle. He sees the squire rushing across
                  the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Sire. Thank goodness I was able
                  to catch you. This is the wrong key."

                  Comment


                    Actual label instructions on consumer products: (Yeah some of them are new!)

                    1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
                    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

                    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
                    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY
                    BEHIND YOU.

                    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
                    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

                    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
                    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

                    5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
                    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

                    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
                    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO
                    WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
                    (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

                    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful
                    haemorrhoids
                    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO
                    THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL
                    DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5
                    MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

                    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
                    OPEN OTHER END.

                    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
                    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

                    10. On a Sears hairdryer -
                    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

                    11. On a bag of Fritos -
                    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
                    DETAILS INSIDE.

                    12. On a bar of Dial soap -
                    DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

                    13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom
                    of the box)-
                    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

                    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
                    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

                    15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
                    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

                    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
                    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

                    17. On a Japanese food processor -
                    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

                    18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
                    WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

                    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
                    INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

                    20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
                    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS.

                    21. On a child's superman costume -
                    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

                    22. On some frozen dinners
                    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

                    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
                    FITS ONE HEAD.

                    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
                    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

                    25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine
                    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

                    26. On Nytol sleep aid
                    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

                    Comment


                      On a lawnmower I had was a big label which read:
                      "WARNING WHEN MOTOR IS RUNNING- THE BLADE IS TURNING!"

                      We once bought a grocery store pizza and the instruction were on the
                      bottom, so we turned it upside down to see how long to cook it etc., and low
                      and
                      behold the first instruction was DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN!

                      Warning on a curling iron: Do Not Insert Curling Iron Into Any Bodily
                      Orifice...

                      My bathroom has inadequate ventilation and therefore, develops mold spots
                      in the lower corners. I attempted to purchase a cleaner specifically designed
                      to remove bathroom mold deposits. The directions on the product label
                      stated, "Only use in well ventilated areas."

                      Seen on the bottom of a Coca-Cola bottle: "Do not open here."

                      On a bottle of spray paint: "Do not spray in your face."

                      On a bottle of bathtub cleaner: For best results, start with clean bathtub
                      before use.

                      On a container of lighter fluid: WARNING: Contents flammable!

                      On a bottle of hand lotion: Warning: Starts healing skin on contact.

                      On a box of household nails: CAUTION! - Do NOT swallow nails! May cause
                      irritation!

                      Microwave popcorn is packaged so that the directions cannot be read unless
                      you open the plastic and unfold it. Direction #1 is Remove plastic.

                      On a television commercial that says it cleans dentures 4 times better.
                      Below in small print it said "Lab test: (their product) vs. water.

                      On a television commercial I saw it said they their denture paste was
                      better than any other. BELOW IT, it said in small letters, vs. using no
                      adhesive.

                      I have a full-face motorcycle helmet with a giant arrow pointing to the
                      front. I can only guess that some idiot put the helmet on backwards,
                      jumped on a bike and hurt himself. This is to protect to manufacturer from
                      future lawsuits.

                      One day I went to a wall-mart out of state and I went to buy a blow dryer
                      when I read the warnings it said "DO NOT BLOW DRY IN SLEEP"

                      Seen on the back of a drink bottle label: "Do not peel label off."

                      On a Band-Aid box: "For serious injuries, seek medical attention."

                      On a can of powdered infant formula: "Mix with water before serving." Like
                      I'm going to spoon it to my baby dry!

                      This stupid label was found on a can of Woolite carpet cleaner: "Safe for
                      carpets, too!"

                      This label was found on the BOTTOM of a box of glass ornaments: "Do not
                      turn upside down."

                      On a box of Frosted Cheerio's, the logo, "Tastes so good this box never
                      closes," is located just underneath another announcement: "To close: place
                      tab here."

                      On a plastic orange juice can: "100% pure all-natural fresh-squeezed
                      orange juice from concentrate."

                      I once saw an ad for some type of contest on a candy bar. The wrapper said
                      "No purchase necessary - Details Inside."

                      Directions for eating Lunchables Nachos: Dip chips in cheese and salsa.

                      The golf carts on the course I worked at have warning labels saying, "Not
                      for highway use."

                      On Clorox Fresh Care: (for cleaning out odors from fabric) "Safe to use in
                      households with pets Warning: Fresh Care is NOT intended to be sprayed
                      directly on pets."

                      While working at a large medical center in the Midwest, a construction
                      worker was admitted with a large hammer sticking out of his head. Seems he
                      was in an altercation with another gentleman. On the side of the hammer
                      were the words, 'Use protective eyewear.'

                      On the back of the Pilots seat on NATO AWAC Aircraft (E-3A), is a sign
                      that states: "Seat must be facing forward for take off and landing."

                      On the label of Sterno (Meths?) is a warning that says, "Do not use near fire
                      or
                      flame."

                      Seen on a container of salt:
                      Warning: High in sodium

                      On a hose nozzle there was a warning that said: "Do not spray into
                      electrical outlet."

                      Seen on an industrial size washer in our local laundry establishment was
                      the (large lettered) sign: "Warning: Do not put any person in this
                      washer."

                      There is also a stroller on the market with the warning, "Remove child
                      before folding."

                      I saw a car ad depicting cars driving in the water with fins like sharks.
                      At the end of the ad in small letters it read: "Caution, do not drive
                      underwater.

                      Comment

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