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    They Grow Up So Fast...
    Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just
    know that they are in love.

    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny
    goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely
    walks up to him and says

    "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for
    her hand in marriage."

    Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies,

    "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

    Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies,
    "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit
    there nicely."

    Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge
    grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get
    a job. You'll need to support Susie."

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5
    bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
    month, and that should do us just fine."

    By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put
    so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to
    come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
    After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you
    have got everything all figured out. I just have one more
    question for you.

    "What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of
    your own?"

    Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been
    lucky so far...."

    Comment


      On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
      nowhere, the following people are stranded:

      Two Italian men and one Italian woman
      Two French men and one French woman
      Two German men and one German woman
      Two Greek men and one Greek woman
      Two English men and one English woman
      Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
      Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
      Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
      Two American men and one American woman
      Two Irish men and one Irish woman

      One month later on this absolutely stunning island
      in the middle of nowhere, the following things have
      occurred:

      a.. One Italian man killed the other Italian man
      for the Italian woman.

      b.. The two French men and the French woman are
      living happily together in ménage-a-trois.

      c.. The two German men have a strict weekly
      schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

      d.. The two Greek men are sleeping with each other
      and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

      e.. The two English men are waiting for someone to
      introduce them to the English woman.

      f.. The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the
      endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian
      woman and started swimming.

      g.. The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are
      awaiting instructions.

      h.. The two Chinese men have set up a
      pharmacy/liquorstore/restaurant/laundry and have got
      the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
      their store.

      i. The two American men are contemplating the
      virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps
      on complaining about her body, the true nature of
      feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the
      necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
      household chores, how sand and palm trees make her
      look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion
      and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
      relationship with her mother is improving, and how at
      least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

      j.. The two Irish men divided the island into North
      and South and set up a distillery. They do not
      remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort
      of foggy after the first few litres of coconut
      whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the
      English aren't having any fun.

      Comment


        A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
        parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend
        that after dinner, she would like to go out and make Love for the first
        time.

        Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
        trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for
        about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms
        and sex. At the counter, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
        Like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack, or a family pack.

        "I'm really going to give it to this girl," the boy tells the Pharmacist. "I
        intend to plug every orifice in her body at least twice." The pharmacist,
        with a laugh, suggests the family pack, saying the boy will be rather
        busy, it being his first time and all.

        That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
        girlfriend at the door.

        "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in! " The boy goes
        inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
        The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

        A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.10
        minutes passes and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
        with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
        boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious. "

        The boy turns, and whispers back,"I had no idea your father was a
        pharmacist."

        Comment


          "Ey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach
          ache, and my legs hurt, I not come work."

          The boss says: "You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like
          this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel
          better and I can go to work. You should try that."

          About 2 hours later Carlos calls: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel
          great, I'll be at work soon. You got nice house."

          Comment


            A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
            could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of
            making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

            After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your
            money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that
            I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that
            you won't be able to wheel back."

            "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see
            what you got."

            Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then,
            nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

            Comment


              Henry was getting on in years and his family decided that he is just too
              much of a burden. Time to put him in a retirement home. So they took him
              out to Sunnyside Retirement Home and helped him get settled.

              After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse came in and asked
              if he would like to spend a some time on the sun porch. Henry said "Sure
              sweetie."

              So Henry and the nurse sat on the sun porch enjoying the sun and the warm
              gentle breeze, when Henry suddenly begins to lean to his left. The nurse,
              thinking he would fall for sure, pushes him back upright. A few minutes
              pass, and Henry again begins to lean but this time to his right. The nurse
              again pushes him back upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated.
              Finally, the nurse takes Henry back to his room.

              The next day, Henry's friend George came to visit. "How do you like it
              here?" asked George.

              "Well" said Henry "it's OK, I guess. The bed is comfortable. The food is
              OK. The people are nice. But, they sure as hell don't want you to fart on
              the sun porch!"

              Comment


                The following was published in The New York Times. This is an NYU college
                admissions application essay question, and an actual answer written by an
                applicant:
                QUESTION 3A:
                In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the
                applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
                Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you
                have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?
                ANSWER:
                I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have
                been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more
                efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban
                refugees. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
                Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
                sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe
                inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty
                minutes.
                I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using
                only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
                small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
                play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of
                numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in
                my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair
                electrical appliances free of charge.
                I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics
                worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
                perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
                number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey
                with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration.
                I bat 400.
                My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
                circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
                objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David
                Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room
                that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
                supermarket.
                I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation
                in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
                seized a small bakery.
                The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I
                frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I
                participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of
                life but forgot to write it down.
                I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster
                oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
                cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
                have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken
                with Elvis.
                But I have not yet gone to college.
                He was accepted.

                Comment


                  A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front
                  of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty
                  mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks,
                  rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was
                  full? They agreed that it was.

                  So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the
                  jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the
                  open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar
                  was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed.

                  The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of
                  course, the sand filled up everything else.

                  "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your
                  life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner,
                  your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and
                  only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the
                  other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is
                  everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar
                  first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.

                  The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the
                  small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to
                  you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
                  Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your
                  partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the
                  house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.

                  Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your
                  priorities. The rest is just sand."

                  But then..........


                  A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor
                  agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the
                  beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

                  The moral of this tale is:- no matter how full your life is, there is
                  always room for BEER

                  Comment


                    A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-
                    department store looking for a job.

                    The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says,
                    "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

                    Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start
                    tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

                    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
                    store was locked up, the boss came down.

                    "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

                    The kid says, "One."

                    The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a
                    day.

                    How much was the sale for?"

                    The kid says, $101,237.64."

                    The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

                    The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
                    medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold
                    him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing
                    and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
                    boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin
                    engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
                    would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and
                    sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

                    The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
                    him a boat and truck?"

                    The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his
                    wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot - you might as well go
                    fishing."

                    Comment


                      A Vermont native found himself in a difficult position yesterday while
                      touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari Zoo with a group of thespians
                      from
                      St. Petersburg, Russia. Ronald went to extremes to demonstrate the power
                      of Crazy Glue, one of America's many marvels, to the Russians. To prove
                      the effectiveness of Crazy Glue, he rubbed several ounces of the
                      adhesive
                      onto the palms of his hands and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of
                      a
                      passing rhino. The rhinoceros, a resident of the zoo for the thirteen
                      years, was not initially startled, as it has been part of the petting
                      exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of
                      being involuntarily stuck to Ronald, it began to panic and charge wildly
                      about the petting area with Ronald as an unwitting passenger. "Sally the
                      Rhino hadn't been feeling well. She was constipated, and had just been
                      given a laxative when the American played his juvenile prank, " said
                      caretaker James Douglass. During Sally's tirade, a shed wall was gored,
                      two fences destroyed, and a number of small animals escaped. Three pygmy
                      goats and one duck were stomped to death. During the stampede and
                      subsequent capture, Sally began to feel the effects of the laxative,
                      showering Ronald repeatedly with over 30 gallons of rhinoceros diarrhea.
                      A team of medics and zoo caretakers were needed to remove his hands from
                      Sally's buttocks. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down while
                      shielding
                      our faces from the pelting rhino dung. I guess you could say that Ronald
                      was in it up to his neck. Once she was under control, three people with
                      shovels were working to keep an air passage open for him. We were
                      eventually able to tranquilize Sally and apply a solvent to remove his
                      hands from her rear," said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing
                      with
                      Crazy Glue for awhile." Meanwhile, the amused Russians were impressed
                      with
                      the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but
                      of
                      course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov,
                      leader
                      of the troupe. Ronald did not die, nor was there any reproductive
                      injury,
                      so he can only qualify for a Darwin Award if you are persuaded by the
                      fact
                      that nobody would date a man who smelled of rhino dung.

                      Comment

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