• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got
    back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked,
    "How was the honeymoon?"

    "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

    Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned
    Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never
    heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got
    to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

    "Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so
    awful? What 4-letter words?"

    "Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so
    embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

    "Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother
    these horrible 4-letter words!"

    Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust,
    wash, iron, cook!"


      A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

      Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was
      perfect. However, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from
      her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks

      Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in
      the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

      The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady, which way was it


        Never buy a dwarf with a learning disability.
        It's not big and it's not clever.


          If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
          produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly
          seems worth it.)

          If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
          produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
          (Now that's more like it!)

          The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
          body to squirt blood 30 feet.

          A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
          (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

          A noddyroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
          to death.
          (I'm still not over the pig.)

          Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
          (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

          The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached
          to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
          ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

          The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human
          jumping the length of a football field.
          (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

          The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
          (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

          Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
          (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

          Butterflies taste with their feet.
          (Something I always wanted to know.)

          The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

          Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
          left-handed people.
          (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

          Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
          (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

          A cat's urine glows under a black light.
          (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

          An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
          (I know some people like that.)

          Starfish have no brains.
          (I know some people like that too.)

          Polar bears are left-handed.
          (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

          Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
          (What about that pig??)


            *Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You*

            When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."

            Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

            Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

            Only moans during commercial breaks.

            Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

            You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

            Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

            Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

            Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

            Holds up a picture of the Playboy centrefold to hurry you along.

            She yells out her own name.

            Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin


              Stress Management techniques:

              1. Picture yourself near a stream.

              2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
              3. No-one but you knows your secret place.
              4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world".
              5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
              6. The water is crystal clear.
              7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.


                Grandma and Grandpa are watching an evangelical healing service on the telly. The preacher tells viewers to place one hand on the TV and one hand on the part of the body they wish to be healed.
                Grandma slowly hobbles to the TV set, places one hand on the set and the other on her painful, arthritic shoulder.
                Then Grandpa goes to the TV, places one hand on the set and the other on his crotch.
                Grandma scowls and says: ‘You just don’t get it, do you? The ideal is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.’

                An old woman goes to the doctor to ask for some Viagra for her husband. ‘It comes in three doses,’ he says. ‘There’s 25 per cent – to make it rise a few degrees: 50 per cent – to bring it up about halfway, and 100 per cent – pointing at the ceiling.’
                ‘Hmmmmm,’ says the old woman, ‘I’ll take a box of the 50 per cent stuff.’
                ‘Most folk go for the 100 per cent stuff, says the doctor, ‘to guarantee top-quality sex.’
                ‘Oh,’ says the woman, it’s only to stop the old git from peeing in his slippers.’

                A man walks into a shop. While he’s browsing an assistant whispers: ‘Sir, your barrack doors are open.’
                He gives her a bemused look and carries on shopping. A while later a man taps him on the shoulder and explains his flies are undone.
                Understanding what the shop assistant meant, he walks to her checkout and says: ‘When you saw my barrack doors open, did you notice a muscular soldier standing to attention/’
                ‘No,’ she says. ‘I just saw a wrinkly veteran sitting on two knackered duffel bags.’


                  Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed
                  to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games,
                  other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own. The
                  IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the
                  following pre-match displays:

                  a.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the
                  air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they
                  invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that
                  everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.

                  b.. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before
                  smashing an Irn Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.

                  c.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half
                  performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
                  route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
                  dressing room.

                  d.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh
                  suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.

                  e.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
                  territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be
                  forcibly removed by the match stewards.

                  f.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more
                  important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts
                  whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.

                  g.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future
                  years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the
                  most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film
                  called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.

                  h.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the
                  rest of the team to ransom.

                  i.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the
                  female stewards and then run away.

                  j.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and
                  then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They
                  will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when
                  their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.

                  k.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
                  salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at
                  high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a
                  subsidy from the UK Government).

                  l.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
                  opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
                  halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the
                  delight of Wales!) and burn the officials.

                  m.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative
                  singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their
                  mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush.


                    1. Eagles may soar high, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

                    2. Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

                    3. There may be no 'I' in team, but there's a 'ME' if you look hard enough.

                    4. Process and Procedure are the last hiding place of people without the wit and
                    wisdom to do their job properly.

                    5. Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability.

                    6. Never do today that which will become someone else’s responsibility tomorrow.

                    7. Every time you open your mouth you have this wonderful ability to continually
                    confirm what I think.

                    8. Show me a good loser and I'll show you a LOSER!

                    9. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity
                    slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average

                    10. It's the team that matters. Where would The Beatles be without Ringo? If
                    John got Yoko to play drums the history of music would be completely different.

                    11. What does a squirrel do in the summer? It buries nuts. Why? Cos then in
                    winter time he's got something to eat and he won't die. So, collecting nuts in
                    the summer is worthwhile work. Every task you do at work think, would a squirrel
                    do that? Think squirrels. Think nuts.

                    12. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by
                    reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

                    13. Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

                    14. If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork
                    and imagine him in jail.

                    15. If you can keep your head when all around you have lost theirs, then you
                    probably haven't understood the seriousness of the situation.

                    16. You don't have to be mad to work here! In fact we ask you to complete a
                    medical questionnaire to ensure that you are not.

                    17. If you treat the people around you with love and respect, they will never
                    guess that you're trying to get them sacked.

                    18. If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.

                    19. You have to be 100% behind someone, before you can stab them in the back.

                    20. If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

                    21. Those of you who think you know everything are annoying to those of us who

                    22. There's no 'I' in 'team'. But then there's no 'I' in 'useless smug
                    colleague', either. And there's four in 'platitude-quoting idiot'. Go figure.

                    23. Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in
                    promotion to a job you can't do.

                    24. Make good use of your cylindrical filing unit, the one you mainly keep under
                    your desk.

                    25. Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never
                    quit are idiots.

                    26. If you're gonna be late, then be late and not just 2 minutes - make it an
                    hour and enjoy your breakfast.

                    27. Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I
                    didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

                    28. The office is like an army, and I'm the field general. You're my
                    footsoldiers and customer quality is the WAR!!!

                    29. Set out to leave the first vapour trail in the blue-sky scenario.

                    30. Statistics are like a lamp-post to a drunken man - more for leaning on than

                    31. A problem shared is a problem halved, so is your problem really yours or
                    just half of someone else’s?

                    32. Is your work done? Are all pigs fed, watered and ready to fly?....

                    33. You don't have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well
                    presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!!

                    34. I thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it was just
                    some b*stard with a torch, bringing me more work.

                    35. Avoid employing unlucky people - throw half of the pile of CVs in the bin
                    without reading them.


                      4 KINDS OF SEX:

                      HOUSE SEX
                      When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

                      BEDROOM SEX
                      After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

                      HALL SEX
                      After you've been married for many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**K YOU"

                      COURTROOM SEX
                      Your wife & her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got