• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • FREE workshop: Preparing contractors for Autumn : Weds 29th Sep at 7.15pm. More details here.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    The way children see things



    NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



    HONESTY Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."



    OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."



    KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added , "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."



    MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



    ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4- year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



    DRESS- UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



    DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and

    with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole he gooooes."



    SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"



    BIBLE A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

    Comment


      > A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it
      > amusing enough to have it published in The Times.
      >
      > Dear Sir,
      >
      > I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
      >endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
      >
      > By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his
      > presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed
      >to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
      > Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight
      > years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
      > opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for
      > the inconvenience caused to your bank.
      >
      > My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
      >caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
      > I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and
      > letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
      > overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
      >
      > From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
      > person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no
      > longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed
      > personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must
      > nominate.
      >
      > Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
      > to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
      > Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.
      >
      > I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
      >about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
      >
      > Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
      > countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her
      > financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
      > accompanied by documented proof.
      >
      > In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
      > must quote in dealings with me.
      >
      > I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
      > modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
      > account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
      >the sincerest form of flattery.
      >
      > Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
      > buttons as follows:
      >
      > 1-- To make an appointment to see me.
      > 2-- To query a missing payment.
      > 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
      > 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
      > 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
      > 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
      > 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
      >is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the
      > Authorized Contact.)
      > 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
      > 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
      > on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
      > this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
      > for the duration of the call.
      >
      > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
      > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
      >
      > May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
      >
      > Your Humble Client
      >
      > (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU
      > PROUD!!?)

      Comment


        Jeremy Clarkson Quotes:

        "I'm sorry but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
        like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
        you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."

        "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the Ladybird
        Book of Motorcars from 1963 and, as you would imagine, it's full of
        rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you get to page
        40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me, when I was
        little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In a bath together.
        With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."

        "(About Porsche Cayman S) There are many things I'd rather be doing
        than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off stage
        in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"

        "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
        stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
        saying there will be no war with Germany "

        "America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
        w****r!"

        On the Alfa Romeo Brera: "I only have to imagine this in black, with tan
        leather and I'm nursing a semi!"

        Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - "It couldn't pull a
        greased stick out of a pig's bottom!"

        On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "There is a word to describe this car: it
        begins with "s" and ends with "t" and its not "soot".
        Hammond: "So it's fairly terrible then?"
        Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
        league of badness!"

        "Some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
        and that he, long before anyone else, realised that Jade Goody is a
        racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
        that he's called the Stig!"

        "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
        Ethiopian transvestite."

        "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary... that's
        what gets you."

        'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
        dashboard blowing at you through a straw'

        "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
        comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

        "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater convertable
        was Adolf Hitler"

        (Fed up during the caravaning trip)
        "You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have music,
        you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp
        fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you have to keep
        quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a
        concentration camp!"

        "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying "Ooh good, I've
        got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.""

        (About the Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."

        "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

        Comment


          >Interesting - educate yourself and impress your friends!
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >
          >In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his
          >wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule
          >of thumb"
          >
          >Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled
          >"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered
          >into the English language.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred
          >and Wilma Flintstone.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >Coca-Cola was originally green.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >It is impossible to lick your elbow.
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
          >
          > -------------------------------------------
          >
          >The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
          >61,000
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
          >history:
          >
          >Spades - King David
          >Hearts - Charlemagne
          >Clubs -Alexander, the Great
          >Diamonds - Julius Caesar
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
          >the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
          >the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
          >If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
          >causes.
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Only two people signed the Declaration ofIndependenceon July 4th, John
          >Hancock andCharlesThomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
          >the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
          >
          >A. Their birthplace
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
          >name requested?
          >
          >A. Obsession
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until
          >you would find the letter "A"?
          >
          >A. One thousand
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
          >printers all have in common?
          >
          >A. All were invented by women.
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
          >
          >A. Honey
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the
          >year?
          >
          >A. Father's Day
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >
          >In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
          >When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed
          >firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >
          >It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
          >after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
          >all the mead he could drink.
          >Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this
          >period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old
          >England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
          >"Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."
          >It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          >Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the
          >rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they
          >used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase
          >inspired by this practice.
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >
          > ~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
          >
          >
          >------------------------------------------------------------------------
          >At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!
          >
          >_________________________________________________ _______________________
          >_____________
          >
          >Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you
          >can read it.
          >
          >I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg.
          >The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
          >Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
          >wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
          >in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
          >it wouthit a porbelm.
          >Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but
          >the wrod as a wlohe.
          >
          >Amzanig huh?
          >

          Comment


            Air traffic control conversations



            Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
            Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
            TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
            Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
            Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
            Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
            United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
            Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
            San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
            Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
            Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
            Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
            Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
            Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
            Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
            BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
            Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

            The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

            "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
            Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
            Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
            Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
            Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
            Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
            Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."




            ---------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------
            While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
            An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

            Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

            "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

            Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

            Tension in every noddypit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

            Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

            Comment


              TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

              MARIA: Here it is.

              TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

              CLASS: Maria.

              __________________________________________





              TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?

              FRANK: Because of the sign..

              TEACHER: What sign?

              FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

              _________________________________





              TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

              JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

              _______________________________________________





              TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

              GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

              TEACHER: No, that's wrong

              GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.



              _______________________________________________





              TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

              DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

              TEACHER: What are you talking about?

              DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

              ______________________________________________





              TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

              WINNIE: Me!

              ______________________________________________





              TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

              GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.



              _____________________________________________





              TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

              MILLIE: I is...

              TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

              MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

              __________________________________________________





              TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father ` didn't punish him?

              LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

              __________________________________________________





              TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

              SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

              __________________________________________________





              TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

              CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

              __________________________________________________





              TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

              HAROLD: A teacher.

              Comment


                Best Out of Office Auto Replies

                (a) I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

                (b) You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

                (c) I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

                (d) Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged 5.99 for the first ten words and 1.99 for each additional word in your message.

                (e) The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

                (f) Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

                (g) I've run away to join a different circus.



                FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

                (h) I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Steve'.

                Comment


                  IF MEN WROTE PROBLEM PAGES

                  Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

                  A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

                  Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

                  A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

                  Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

                  A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do


                  when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

                  Q: My husband doesn’t know where my clitoris is.

                  A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

                  Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

                  A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

                  Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

                  A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

                  Comment


                    One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
                    her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
                    asked "Why are you crying?"

                    The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
                    that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the
                    two of them. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden
                    thimble.

                    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
                    The seamstress replied, "No."
                    The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble.
                    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
                    Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
                    The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble.
                    "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.
                    The seamstress replied, "Yes."

                    The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
                    thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy. Some time later,
                    the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her
                    husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared
                    and
                    asked her, "Why are you crying?"

                    "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!"
                    The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.
                    "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.
                    "Yes," cried the seamstress.

                    The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

                    The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
                    misunderstanding.
                    You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with
                    Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my
                    husband.
                    Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not
                    in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
                    husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

                    The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
                    honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That's our story, and
                    we're sticking to it.

                    Comment


                      At the end of this, you are asked a question.
                      Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.
                      Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.
                      Fun Test..This is kind of spooky!
                      If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
                      Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
                      and send to everyone, including the person that sent it to you.
                      Amazing test....just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

                      Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous
                      one.
                      You do not need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your
                      mind. You'll be surprised.
                      Start:
                      How much is . . :
                      15 + 6
                      3 + 56
                      89 + 2
                      12 + 53
                      75 + 26
                      25 + 52
                      63 + 32
                      I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
                      Come on, one more..
                      123 + 5
                      QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!
                      Scroll further to the bottom...





                      A bit more.





                      You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
                      If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
                      different, if not abnormal, mind. 98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this
                      exercise.
                      If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.
                      Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%
                      and send to everyone.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X