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    (Allegedly) Real notes to British milkmen:

    Dear milkman I've just had a baby, please leave another one.

    Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.

    Cancel one pint after the day after today.

    Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.

    Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking
    the tops off the milk.

    Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.

    Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
    the dole.

    Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've
    been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.

    Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but
    the other way round.

    When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I
    want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

    Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
    Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea.

    My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or
    do I have to shake the bottle ?

    Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and
    did not know about it until a neighbour told me.

    Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.

    Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.

    From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
    days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any

    My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
    drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play
    bingo tonight.

    Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote
    this note yesterday.

    When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and
    put newspaper inside the screen door. P.S. Don't leave any milk.

    No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
    further notice.


      London, October 08 2013 (Reuters)

      Police used tear gas and batons to break up a mob of angry unemployed
      stockbrokers in the heart of the financial district as the FTSE100 slumped
      through the 500 mark to finish at 497.2. The brokers were demonstrating
      outside of the Stock Exchange building, demanding an audience with the
      recently elected chairman, James Fleming. When he failed to appear, the
      brokers began attacking the building and security staff with briefcases and
      what appeared to be rolled up social security forms.

      With unemployment in the financial services industry hovering at nearly
      90%,the Government has ordered an inquiry into whether it is feasible to
      permanently retrain the growing army of brokers and other fallouts from the
      financial services industry. "It is very difficult though," said a
      "It does not appear that they have any useful skills - legal ones anyway -
      which may be redirected to more productive pursuits."

      Brokers have become increasingly desperate as the equity market continues
      to slide and the war in Iraq enters its ninth month with little sign that
      US forces are making any progress. There was a brief 5-point rally in the
      market yesterday on news that Saddam Hussein had been captured, but it
      turned out to be another "look-alike." "We have now detained more than 300
      men and 2 women who bear a striking resemblance to the Iraqi dictator,"
      Colonel T.J. Muskrat of the 98th Rangers told a press briefing in Baghdad.

      The oil price continues to hover at $US60/barrel as motorists began to
      adjust to the second week of petrol rationing. Commuters have also praised
      the introduction of rat-powered treadmills to tube trains.

      Meanwhile, many online employment web sites were inundated yesterday on
      news that Merrill Morgan Suisse Warburg Barney, one of the three remaining
      brokerages, was planning to advertise for a receptionist's assistant. Bill
      Pettigrew at Seekjob.com said brokers swamped his site and forced it off
      line for an hour. MMSWB later denied the rumour, and said they intended to
      continue with their recently announced program of staff cuts. Anthony Pope,
      a former client adviser at ABNAmroMorgans, said the news "perked him up even
      though I knew it couldn't be true."

      Yesterday's tentative market rally soon petered out and the market closed
      near its lows. An LSE spokesman said the reduced trading hours 10.00-10.30
      appeared to be working well. The Nikkei descended below 100 for the second
      time in a fortnight, and the Bank of Japan was again the main buyer of
      stocks. It issued another 725 trillion yen of government bonds, with a
      coupon of 0.00003% per annum and maturing when the sun finally sets on the
      Japanese empire.


        The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

        The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
        the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window. For a
        second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,

        "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

        The passenger apologised and said he didn't realise that a little tap
        could scare him so much.

        The driver replied,

        "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first
        day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."


          Ancient crone staggers into sex shop. She is doddery in the extreme; clearly on her last legs. She lurches up to the counter and speaks:

          "YYYounnnngggg mmmaaannn. Ddddoooo yyyoooouuu ssseeelllll vvvvibraaaatorsssss?"

          "Yes, we do."

          "Ddddddoooo yoooouuu hhhhaaavvvve pppppiiiinkkkkkk oooonnnnesssss, eighhhhhhhhhttttttt iiiiiinnccchhesssssss loooooooong?"

          "Yes, we do."

          "Gooooooood. Theeeeennnnn caaaaaaannnnnn yooouuuuuuuu teeeeelllllll meeeeeeeeee hoooooowwww ttoooooooo tuuuuuuurnnnnnn theeeeeeee fuuuuuuuuuckiiiiiiiiing tthiiiiiiiiinnnng oooooooofffffffff??????????"


            Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
            Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of agitation.
            "Father!" she cried, "just wait until you hear this!"

            The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calm down and
            tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nun began, "I was
            just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older
            boys wagering money!"

            "A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.

            "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun, " it was
            WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could
            urinate the highest on the wall!!"

            "What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?"

            "Well, I hit the ceiling, father."

            "How much did you win?"


              Paddy and Bridgett had just got married. It was their wedding night in the bridal suite. Bridgett was lying on her back on the bed in an incredible shimmering silky negligee whimpering,

              "Take me Paddy. Take me now!"

              Paddy (having been a good catholic boy) was a virgin and didn't have the faintest idea what to do next. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea. He dashed out of the room and went to reception to ring his mum for advice.

              Her advice was to put the hardest part of his body into where Bridgett pees. Paddy was a bit dubious about this but his mother assured him that Bridgett would love it.

              Paddy came back in to the bedroom triumphantly, asked Bridgett if she was ready.

              Bridgett shouted, "Yes, Yes, I'm ready!"

              Then she watched in amazement as Paddy ran into the bathroom and put his head down the toilet.


                - Can I have Barbie for Christmas Grandad ?

                - Of course you can

                - And can I have GI Joe as well Grandad ?

                - No, you see, Barbie comes with Ken

                - No Grandad, Barbaie fakes it with Ken, Barbie comes with GI Joe


                  > A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby
                  > to put his name on his mailbox.
                  > While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
                  > the mailboxes wearing a robe.
                  > The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
                  > As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
                  > nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
                  > contact.
                  > After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
                  > my apartment, I hear someone coming."
                  > He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
                  > it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at
                  > him,"What would you say is my best feature?"
                  > Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
                  > ears!"
                  > Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
                  > they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and
                  > solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that
                  > the best part of my body is my ears?"
                  > Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard
                  > someone coming? That was me."


                    New Age corporate and investment acronyms

                    CEO: chief embezzlement officer.

                    CFO: corporate fraud officer.

                    P/E: parole entitlement.

                    EPS: eventual prison sentence.

                    BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake
                    himself for a financial genius.

                    BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
                    the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

                    MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high and selling low.

                    VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower

                    P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the
                    market keeps crashing.

                    BUY, BUY: A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
                    step off the plane.

                    STANDARD & POOR: Your life in a nutshell.

                    STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

                    FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
                    runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

                    MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.

                    CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the

                    WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
                    Yahoo @ $240 per share.

                    YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240
                    per share.

                    INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Someone who has owned equities for the
                    last two years and who's now locked up long-term in a hospital

                    PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God


                      Three explorers finally stumble upon King Solomons Mines and are almost
                      stupified at the hundreds of chests of precious stones all around.

                      Then one explorer sees a huge idol with a massive ruby in its forhead, at
                      least six inches in diametre.

                      He slowly climes up the idol, sits on its nose, and starts hacking at the
                      ruby when the idol says "If you want the ruby, f**k me". The explorer
                      yells, slithers down the idol and runs screaming into the jungle.

                      The remaining two shrug and comment that there is now more between them.

                      At this point, the second explorer spies the ruby and also climbes the
                      idol, rests on its nose, and starts hacking at the ruby. Once again the
                      idol whispers "If you want the ruby, f**k me". The second explorer almost
                      leaps to the ground and stumbes off into the jungle screaming.

                      "It's all mine" gasps the remaining explorer and then sees the ruby on the
                      idol. He must have it, and clomes up the idol, and leaning on its nose,
                      starts hacking at the ruby. And again the idol whispers, "If you want the
                      ruby, f**k me". Our third explorer, made of sterner stuff, looks that the
                      idol and says, I'll get <insert the name of the person you are telling the
                      joke to here>, he's an idol f**ker!