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Please put more jokes here

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    Did you hear that ITV have offered Michael Barrymore £15M to star in a new comedy series.

    It's to be called "Only Pools and Corpses".

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      Xylophataquieopiaphobia:
      the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

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        A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,

        "Is it true what Rita just told me?"

        "What's that?" asks her mother.

        "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
        said her daughter.

        "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
        come up and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

        "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teenager, "won't it knock my
        teeth out?"

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          > The Golfing Accident
          >
          > A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first
          > of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
          > toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one
          > of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch,
          > fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
          >
          > The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She
          > said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
          > could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
          >
          > "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
          > he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
          > clasping his hands together at his crotch.
          >
          > But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took
          > his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she
          > put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How
          > does that feel?"
          >
          > To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

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            After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is
            unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor
            tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor
            says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers him
            to a psychiatrist.

            After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss
            as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the
            psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

            The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some
            powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing
            blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful
            healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you
            have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long
            as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What
            happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All
            you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go
            down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

            The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise
            his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with
            her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection.
            His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3'
            for?"

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              Pure genius. Thanks Brillo

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                You are most welcome squire...

                I have 55 files of jokes here - I have done 8.5 so far.

                REckon I could overtake Zeity soon.

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                  It was getting a little crowded in heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

                  The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

                  The next day at 12:01, the first person comes to the gates of heaven.

                  The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly says to the man, 'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.'

                  'No problem,' the man says. 'I came home to my 25th floor apartment in my lunch hour and caught my wife half-naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

                  'Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 storeys and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

                  The angel sits back and thinks for a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the angel announces, 'OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and lets him in.

                  A few seconds later the next guy comes up.

                  'Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

                  The man says, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!

                  'Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom that broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

                  The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

                  'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself. 'Very well,' the angel announces, 'welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,' and he lets the man enter.

                  A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel is warming up to his task. 'OK, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

                  The man says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator. . .'

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                    I shall be passing that off as my own work throughout the xmas holidays

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                      Originally posted by Pondlife View Post


                      I shall be passing that off as my own work throughout the xmas holidays
                      plagarism is the sincerest form of flattery. I am touched!

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