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Please put more jokes here

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    cheers, Brillo... am struggling to not laugh out loud at my desk! keep up the hard(?) work!

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      Originally posted by sli_gryn View Post
      cheers, Brillo... am struggling to not laugh out loud at my desk! keep up the hard(?) work!
      cheers old bean - I kept my email jokes from 1996-2005 so just rattling them off...

      Comment


        Great Bits Of Wisdom For Our Time

        ** "Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I
        don't like and just give her a house." Steven Seagal

        ** "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
        desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun
        with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
        Jeff Foxworthy

        ** "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
        treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
        you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
        severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find
        you a temp." Bob Ettinger

        ** "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
        skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that
        study: duh." Conan O'Brien

        ** "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
        my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I could be eating a
        slow learner." Lynda Montgomery

        ** "The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
        out with a riding vacuum cleaner." Roseanne

        ** "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
        would be dead." Johnny Carson

        ** "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
        Paul Rodriguez

        ** "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty,
        and that's the law." Jerry Seinfeld

        ** "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
        in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do
        tall people burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

        ** "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
        same." Oscar Wilde

        ** "Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an
        institution yet." Mae West

        ** "Suppose you were an idiot . . . And suppose you were a member of
        Congress . . . But I repeat myself." Mark Twain

        ** "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
        least they can find Kuwait." A. Whitney Brown

        ** "Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a
        man's genitals through his wallet," Robin Williams

        ** Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
        headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin"
        and "Keep away from children"

        ** "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
        group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
        Drew Carey

        Comment


          > BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
          > missed or a project failed, and more importantly who can be blamed..
          >
          > A G.O.O.D Job. A "get-out-of-debt" job. Well paid but not worth keeping
          > once you are solvent.
          >
          > MOUSE POTATO. The online equivalent of the couch potato.
          >
          > BODY NAZI. Every office has one. A hardcore exercise fanatic who looks
          > down on jelly-bellied colleagues.
          >
          > XEROX SUBSIDY. Making the most of the photocopier at work for personal
          > use.
          >
          > SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
          > everything, and then leaves.
          >
          > ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
          > advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
          >
          > SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
          > only to get screwed and die in the end.
          >
          > CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
          >
          > TREEWARE. Slang for paper documents.
          >
          > FLIGHT RISK. Employees suspected of planning to leave the company soon.
          >
          > SNOUT CAST. Person who sneaks outside or to an allocated area to feed the
          > nicotine addiction..
          >
          > PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
          > farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
          >
          > SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
          > turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
          > home with
          > the kids.
          >
          > STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
          > whiney.
          >
          > PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the sh!t out of an
          > electronic device to get it to work again.
          >
          > ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the
          > rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
          > profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
          > to solve.
          >
          > OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
          > you've just made a BIG mistake.
          >

          Comment


            > A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring
            > at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted
            > three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the
            > figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
            >
            > The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
            > interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for
            > nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
            > African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
            >
            > "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
            > penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
            > by gay men in contemporary society."
            >
            > After the curator left, a Welsh man approached the couple and said, "Would
            > you like to know what the painting is really about?"
            >
            > "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
            > gallery?" asked the couple.
            >
            > "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no
            > African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Welsh coal-miners.
            > The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

            Comment


              Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months. He walks to work everyday
              and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and
              admires a certain pair of BALI leather shoes. After about 2 months he
              saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

              Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the
              church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear his new BALI
              leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he
              asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

              Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight,
              but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new
              $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How do you like them?"

              Next, he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her,
              "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"

              Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that. He
              answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How
              do you like them?"

              Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played.
              Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns
              red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you
              wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true."

              Carmella answers, "Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."

              Giorgio gasps and says ......"Thanka God... I thought I had a crack in
              my $300.00 BALI leather shoes. How do you like them?"

              Comment


                ===
                Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick
                packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the
                picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

                When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Roy give me the
                bottle opener'

                'I didn't bring it' says Roy.' I thought you packed it'.

                Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?'.
                Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

                So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
                Andy beg Roy to go back for it.

                But he refuses saying - "You'll eat all the sandwiches".

                After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that
                they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

                So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still
                isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise.
                Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

                Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
                and just as they and are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
                and shouts....

                "I KNEW IT!!...I'M NOT F**KIN' GOING."

                Comment


                  Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court.
                  He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's
                  voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

                  One day revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
                  Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

                  Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon
                  Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to
                  arrange it.

                  Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

                  The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and
                  poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

                  Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
                  Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
                  Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special
                  saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that
                  tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work
                  as the antidote to cure the itch.

                  The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician
                  then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder,
                  which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
                  worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

                  The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer
                  left satisfied and touted as a hero.

                  Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the
                  Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession
                  now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing
                  that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King
                  shooed him away with no payment made.

                  The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same
                  itching powder into the King's loincloth.

                  The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...


                  Moral Of The Story: Pay Your Bills

                  Comment


                    Metaphors from students' essays
                    Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two
                    other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

                    His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
                    alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

                    McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper
                    bag filled with vegetable soup.

                    Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
                    sneeze.

                    The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots
                    when you fry them in hot grease.

                    The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop
                    after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

                    The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a
                    thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm
                    scene in a play.

                    The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.

                    Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel
                    trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted
                    shut.

                    Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

                    The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil,
                    this plan just might work.

                    The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from
                    not eating for a while.

                    "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a
                    student on £1-a-beer night.

                    Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who
                    can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

                    She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a
                    dog makes just before it throws up.

                    The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one
                    slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

                    It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids
                    around with their power tools.

                    She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.

                    She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
                    room-temperature British beef.

                    She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing
                    legs.

                    It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally
                    staple it to the wall.

                    Comment


                      Q: what did John Major say to Norma if he was going to be late from the
                      office ?
                      A: I'm just going out for a Curry

                      Q: Why did J.M. not give Ms Curry a job in the cabinet ?
                      A: because he already gave her one on the back bench.
                      (It wouldn't be the first time she'd had a major noddy-up.....)

                      someone should have told JM that curry has a habit of repeating on you.

                      What's Grey and Smells of Curry? John Major's noddy.

                      Comment

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