• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • FREE workshop: Preparing contractors for Autumn : Weds 29th Sep at 7.15pm. More details here.

Please put more jokes here

Collapse
X
  •  
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    COLORADO DIVISION OF WILDLIFE ALERT

    They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells
    on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They
    also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a
    bear.

    It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. People
    should recognize the difference between black
    bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are smaller and
    contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

    Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

    Comment


      A man and woman have been going out for a few weeks, but they've not had
      sex yet. she's starting to get a bit restless, and one day she asks him if
      there's
      any reason why he hasn't wanted to sleep with her.

      Coyly, he says "well, i've never slept with a woman before, and, stupid I
      know, when I was little, my mum told me that women's fannies sometimes
      have teeth and they'll bite you knob off if you're not doing it right. so
      it's made me nervous."

      Chuckling, she says "well, i don't have any teeth down there. if you want
      to be sure, why don't you go down and have a look?"

      "Oh, that'd be great. I'd like to shag, but i'd need to be sure first..."

      So she strips and he gets right up close to inspect her. he comes up after
      a couple of minutes, looking relieved.

      "See, I told you, no teeth." she says.

      "yeah," he replies, "mind you, I'm not surprised, judging by the state of
      your gums." ..

      Comment


        Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them.

        One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and had a
        sudden inspiration. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun
        away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear.

        "We're gonna walk into the bar, order beers and drink them down. When the
        bartender asks for payment, I'm gonna stick this hot dog out my fly.

        You are gonna drop to your knees and start sucking on it. The bartender
        will be so grossed out that he'll immediately throw us out of the bar,"
        said the lad.

        They entered a bar and the gambit worked like a charm.

        After the seventh bar they were both extremely drunk.

        One of them started complaining, "Sheesh, I'm starting to get bad bruises
        from dropping down on my knees."

        His companion slurred, "You think you got problems? I lost the hot dog
        four bars ago!

        Comment


          BILL GATES BUYS A HOUSE

          Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

          Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and £75 a call thereafter. It's been over 90 days, so, this'll cost you £75, okay?"

          Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated."

          Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

          Bill: "Well, we won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

          Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a stacker."

          Bill: "A stacker?"

          Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit around twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

          Bill: "Mmmmm, I dunno... Well, let's go on to issue number two: This is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

          Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

          Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

          Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

          Bill: "You're kidding!?"

          Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

          Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

          Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

          Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

          Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

          Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

          Contractor: "Hey, nobody's making you buy it."

          Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

          Contractor: "Oh, in your next house -- which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. It was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

          Comment


            At the height of the French Revolution, Robespierre, the man most
            responsible for the Reign of Terror, was determined to capture a bold and
            elusive count who was the head of an effective resistance movement near
            Versailles. Finally, the count was captured, but all efforts to persuade
            him to reveal the names of his associates failed.

            He was offered life imprisonment, plus the safety of his family. Still, he
            would not answer. They tried the rack, but he continued to refuse to talk.
            Finally, he was taken to the guillotine.

            At the very last moment, his nerve failed and he cried out, "I'll talk!
            I'll talk! I'll tell all!"

            Alas, the blade had already been released , and it severed the count's
            head clean as a whistle.

            Robespierre was outraged by the news and gave his executioner a terrific
            bawling out. "How often do I have to caution you," he thundered, ...

            "Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken!"

            Comment


              Overtaking a speeding car on the motorway, the policeman was amazed to
              look inside and see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

              He wound down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

              "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

              Comment


                Inland Revenue
                This is allegedly a real letter which somebody posted to the Taxation
                office in IRELAND explaining why they had not paid Tax for several years.

                Dear Sirs,

                Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have
                given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy
                reflection of what has gone before. You say you thought the account
                could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it
                hadn't. Well, here are the reasons:

                In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine
                harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter,
                two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989 the
                bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no
                insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses
                went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor
                bugger
                to death. In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried
                to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant
                and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives. In
                1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be
                castrated
                to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the
                bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the
                ******* eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses.
                Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest.
                They are now married and trying for children. In 1992 my wife ran
                away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins
                as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down
                expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for
                more children's allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me
                to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought
                my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out
                of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife tulip the bed,
                I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors
                off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the ******* knackerer
                who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me,
                which he did because I had to pay for the ****er's funeral expenses.
                The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize
                bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and
                took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch
                and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy
                for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase)
                a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded
                and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land
                inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned
                rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep. It surprises me
                very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don't pay up. If you can
                think of anything I've missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get
                money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's hole with
                a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's tulip to pass your way
                and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me
                this final demand.

                Yours for more credit
                Paddy Murphy

                Comment


                  A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
                  counter and said "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.".
                  The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just
                  got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
                  chauffeur/bodygaurd for his nypho daughter. You'll have to drive around in
                  a big black mercedes,
                  uniform provided.Because of the long hours of this job meals will also be
                  provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her
                  overseas holidays. The salary package is ?200,000 a year.".
                  The scouser said "Nah, you're bulltulipting me!".
                  The man behind the counter said "Well you ******' started it!".

                  Comment


                    As a trucker stops for a red light on a cold Essex
                    winter morning, a blonde driver in a following car catches up. She jumps
                    out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
                    lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
                    losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
                    the street.

                    When the truck stops for another red light, the girl
                    again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs
                    up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers
                    the window. As if they've never spoken, She
                    says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are
                    losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
                    trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

                    At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
                    All out of breath, she gets out of her car,
                    runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers
                    the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,
                    and you are losing some of your load!"

                    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and
                    races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
                    out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her
                    window, and as she lowers it, he says...

                    "Hi, my name is Kevin, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!

                    Comment


                      Last month in preparation for the Earth Summit currently being hosted by
                      South Africa, the UN conducted a world-wide survey. The only question
                      was:-

                      "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
                      food shortage in the rest of the world?"

                      The survey was a huge failure....

                      In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant.

                      In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

                      In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

                      In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

                      In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solutions" meant.

                      In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant.

                      And in the USA, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

                      Comment

                      Working...
                      X