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    The blonde reported for her University final examination, which
    consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the
    examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and
    then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and
    starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and
    No for Tails.

    Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is
    sweating it out.

    During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the
    coin, swearing and sweating.

    The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
    "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking
    my answers."

    Comment


      Do not read if you are squeamish...

      CHICKEN
      A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York
      emergency room complaining of abdominal pains.
      During an examination, doctors found that the
      woman's labia were pinned together with old safety
      pins. Further inside, they found the dismembered
      body of a chicken. The woman explained that she
      inserted the chicken pieces,
      convinced that they would grow into a baby.

      INNER SKELETON
      A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital
      in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains.
      X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch
      long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a
      decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the
      womb and was never expelled from her body.

      OUCH!
      A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency
      room covered in bloody restaurant towels.
      The man had his around his waist, and the woman
      had hers around her head. They eventually
      explained to doctors that they had gone out that
      evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
      passion, the woman crept under the table to
      administer oral sex to the man.
      While in the act, she had an epileptic fit,
      which caused her to clamp down on the man's
      member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
      and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and
      stabbed her in the head until she let go.

      BLIND DRUNK
      A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
      complaining of severe pain while trying to
      remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
      come out half way, but they always popped back in.
      A nurse tried to help using a suction pump,
      but without success. Finally, a doctor examined
      him and discovered that the man did not have his
      contact lenses in at all. He had been trying
      to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

      GROWING SEASON
      An old woman in a North Carolina ER
      complained of green vines growing from her
      vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato
      trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly
      remembered that she had inserted it two weeks
      previously, because she thought that her
      uterus was falling out.

      PRICKLY PAIR
      In Michigan, a man came into the ER with
      lacerations to his penis. He complained that
      his wife had "a rat in her pussy" and it bit him
      during sex. After an examination of his wife,
      if was revealed that she had a surgical
      needle left inside her after a recent
      hysterectomy.

      LAST STAND
      A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty
      complaining of a permanent erection. He
      admitted to doctors that while on holiday
      in Cuba, he frequented many brothels,
      and in one he was given some erectile
      cream to keep him hard. He was told to use
      it sparingly. However, since he was having
      so much fun, he kept using more and
      more. By the time he came to casualty, all the
      blood vessels in his penis were swollen and
      his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors
      could do nothing except prescribe painkillers,
      and told him that it would return to
      flaccidity in a few days. They also told him
      to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because
      it was going to be his last.

      YUK!
      A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept
      returning to hospital with an infection
      around her stomach (the hole where the tube from
      her colostomy bag is inserted). There was also
      a mysterious whitish ooze emanating from it.
      After eventually inquiring into her private
      life, the doctors found out that she led an
      active sex life. "And," she told them, "when
      we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets
      his kicks out of removing the bag and using
      my stomach."

      JUICY LUCY
      In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple
      discharge from her vagina. She thought it
      might have something to do with the
      diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her.
      "I followed all the instructions to the
      letter," she told her doctor, "and used it
      with the jelly." When asked which kind
      of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."

      BRUSH AFTER MEALS
      A very unhygienic patient was being treated
      by two nurses for a burst vein in his stomach.
      While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
      screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the
      man's chest. They had been breeding between
      his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
      feed further down his body.

      CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
      A World War II veteran came into a London
      clinic with a haemorrhoid problem. One painful
      pile would often hang down from the man's anus
      and he was in the habit of pushing it back up
      with an artillery shell. On this occasion,
      the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove
      it but the man told them the shell was still
      live. So the hospital called in the army bomb
      disposal squad, who built a lead box around the
      man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be
      removed.

      Comment


        WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

        Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her
        inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick
        up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her
        car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed,
        with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer
        who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
        walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were
        now open, and she looked very strange.

        He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd
        been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her
        brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics,
        who broke into the car because the doors were locked and
        Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
        finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
        dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister
        had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded
        like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
        her head. When she reached back to find out what it was,
        she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She
        initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to
        hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed
        and came to her aid.

        And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

        Comment


          HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?

          "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff.
          Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like
          sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
          Allan, age 10

          "No person really decides before they grow up who
          they're going to marry. God decides it all the way before,
          and you get to find out later who you're stuck with."
          Kirsten, age 10

          WHAT IS THE BEST AGE TO GET MARRIED?

          "Twenty-three is the best age because you know the
          person FOREVER by then!"
          Cam, age 10

          "No age is good to get married at. You got to be a
          fool to get married!"
          Freddie, age 6

          HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

          "Married people usually look happy to talk to other people."
          Eddie, age 6

          "You might have to guess based on whether they seem to
          be yelling at the same kids."
          Derrick, age 8

          WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
          COMMON?

          "Both don't want no more kids."
          Lori, age 8

          WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

          "Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to
          get to know each other. Even boys have something to say
          if you listen long enough."
          Lynnette, age 8

          WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS
          TURNING SOUR?

          "I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all
          the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all
          the dead columns."
          Craig, age 9

          WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

          "When they're rich!"
          Pam, age 7

          "The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want
          to mess with that."
          Curt, age 7

          "The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you
          should marry them and have kids with them ... It's the
          right thing to do."
          Howard, age 8

          THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE
          OR MARRIED?

          "I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing ...
          I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to
          be all grossed out!"
          Theodore, age 8

          "Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't
          want to change no diapers ... Of course, if I did get
          married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my
          mother and have her come over for some coffee and
          diaper changing."
          Kirsten, age 10

          WHAT PROMISES DO A MAN AND A WOMAN MAKE
          WHEN THEY GET MARRIED?

          "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness
          and illness and diseases together."
          Marlon, age 7

          HOW TO MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK

          "Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks
          like a truck!"
          Ricky, age 7

          "If you want to last with your man, you should wear a
          lot of sexy clothes ... Especially underwear that is red
          and maybe has a few diamonds on it."
          Lori, age 8

          GETTING MARRIED FOR A SECOND TIME

          "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try
          more than one to find a live one."
          Angie L., age 10

          Comment


            Top 10 rejection lines given by Men
            (and what they actually mean...)


            10. I think of you as a sister.
            (You're ugly.)

            9. There's a slight difference in our ages.
            (You're ugly.)

            8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
            (You're ugly.)

            7. My life is too complicated right now.
            (You're ugly.)

            6. I've got a girlfriend.
            (You're ugly.)

            5. I don't date women where I work.
            (You're ugly.)

            4. It's not you, it's me.
            (You're ugly.)

            3. I'm concentrating on my career.
            (You're ugly.)

            2. I'm celibate.
            (You're ugly.)

            1. Let's be friends.
            (You're ugly.)

            Comment


              There are two newly wedded couples sunbathing on a virtually
              deserted beach in the Caribbean. One husband says to the other
              ?So you just got married then??
              2nd Husband: ?Yeah, and so far it is great?
              They both look at each other knowingly. The two wives are
              chatting and go off swimming together.
              1st Husband: ?I bet I can shag my wife more times than you tonight.?
              2nd Husband: ?No way man, I can keep my lady happy til dawn every
              night!?
              1st Husband: ?Ok then loverboy lets make it an official competition,
              but we'll have to use some kind of code in front of the girls.?
              2nd Husband: ? Alright, We'll spend our evening with our girls,
              then at breakfast, order the amount of toast corresponding to
              your number of shags.?
              1st Husband: ?Its a deal?
              AT BREAKFAST:
              Waiter: ? What would you like for breakfast madam??
              1st wife: ?A continental breakfast please with grapefruit.?
              Waiter: ? And for you sir?
              1st husband: ? A full English and....... 8 pieces of toast please?
              The husbands look at each other and grin.
              Waiter: ?Madam??
              2nd Wife: ?I'd like a continental with a pot of tea please?
              Waiter: ?Sir??
              2nd Husband: ? A full English please.... and .......8 toasts please?
              The two husbands chuckle slightly and the waiter turns to leave but is
              interrupted by Husband No. 2. ?Oh and waiter, could you make two of
              mine brown please??

              Comment


                A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
                getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
                make.

                The reason that they have not been intimate is because she is very
                flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her.
                The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is
                flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several
                miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also
                wants to make a confession. He said below his waist is just like a baby,
                and if the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it's okay with him.

                The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind,
                and she also believed there are other things far more important than
                sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.
                They went on to Vegas and got married.
                On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as
                a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the
                guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

                After she became conscious the guy asked, "I told you before we got
                married, why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was
                just like a baby". The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

                Comment


                  BrilloPad 1,128
                  darmstadt 49
                  Colemanisor 34
                  Money Money Money 22
                  daviejones 21

                  and that is the end of my joke files

                  I will post other from time to time as I am sent them - or I might do an internet search.

                  Comment


                    Congrats. A quality effort sir.

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by Pondlife View Post
                      Congrats. A quality effort sir.
                      thank you kind Sir. I will try to keep this thread fluffed at least once a week.

                      Comment

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