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Please put more jokes here

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    This morning I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who
    Called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
    Time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

    I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
    Rekindling a little of that "old magic".

    "Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

    "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
    And a bit grayer and thinner on top than when you last saw me.

    Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."

    She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".

    "Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a guy with a waistline
    that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle
    Tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am
    Developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

    She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that
    Tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a
    Great lover.

    Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

    So I told her to f**k off.


      On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

      The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”


        One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realising his intentions she says,

        "Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."

        Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.

        "Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"


          A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.
          Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.
          "Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"
          "I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."


            A man decides to start a farm. So he walks into town to buy some animals. At the farmers' market he first asks for a rooster.
            "We don't call them roosters here," the clerk says snootily. "We call 'em cocks."
            So the man buys one cock, then points at another animal and asks: "What do you call that?"
            The clerk replies: "That's a pullet."
            The man agrees to buy one.
            Finally, he asks for a donkey.
            The clerk replies: "We don't call them donkeys, we call 'em asses, but we only have one left and he's very temperamental."
            "What's wrong with it," asks the man, who is determined that he must have a donkey.
            "Once in a while it will stop walking and it won't budge unless you scratch it behind the ears," says the clerk.
            The man decides to buy it anyway, and pays for all the animals before starting his walk home.
            On the way, the donkey suddenly stops and doesn't move.
            But the man has his arms full with the rooster and pullet, so has to stop a woman who is passing by to ask for help.
            "Pardon me," he asks politely, "would you mind holding my cock and pullet, while I scratch my ass?"


              While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
              The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
              But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
              So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
              Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
              Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
              "Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
              So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"


                Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

                “Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…
                If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”


                  After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
                  Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'


                    A defence lawyer says to his client: "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is your blood test came back and the DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's shirt."
                    "Damn," says the client. "What's the good news?"
                    "Your cholesterol is down to 140."


                      A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
                      As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
                      Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
                      The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
                      'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
                      'Your turn,' says the man.
                      'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'