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Please put more jokes here

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    A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
    "Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
    So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
    "Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
    "Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
    "Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
    "Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."


      What food will decrease a woman's sex drive by 70 per cent?

      Wedding cake.


        Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
        The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
        The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
        "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
        The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."


          The priest in Tipperary is settling down for a nightcap one windy night when there is a gentle tap on the door.
          He opens it and there is Mary O'Doole , shivering in the cold.
          'Come in, come in, daughter,what are you doing out on a night like this?'
          'Well father, its like this. I got married last saturday'
          'I know my daughter, I was there. I performed the ceremony'
          'Oh thats right, thats right. So you did father.'
          'How can I help you Mary?'
          'Well father, as you know my dad died when I was young'
          'And I have no brothers, just two sisters'
          'And I have no male cousins or other male relatives'
          'Yeeess. I think I see where you are heading Mary'
          'Well father, I never saw a man without his clothes on before last Saturday night'
          'Yes. Do you have any specific question Mary'
          'Father. Whats that thing that dangles down between his legs?'
          'Ah, thats his penis my daughter, also known as his w1lly, c ock, or knob. Dong, rod, pole or chopper'
          'Oh, So THATS his knob !!'
          'OK Mary please pop around any time, I am always here'
          'No, No father. There's more. Whats that big purple thing thats stuck on the end of his knob - er penis'
          'Ah, thats his glans my daughter, also known as his bell,tub-end or his helmet'
          'Oh, So THATS his tub-end'
          'OK Mary please pop around any time, I am always here'
          'No, No father. There's more. What are those two round things about eighteen inches from his tub-end - er glans'

          'Well for your sake my daughter, I hope they're the cheeks of his fking @rse'

          ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work


            A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all
            one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf
            As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed
            her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?"
            he asked.

            "Yes, I am." replied the sobbing girl.
            Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the
            edge. "Look, nothing's worth that. ..... I'll tell you what; I'm sailing
            off for Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a
            new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck,
            bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look
            after me - if you know what I mean? You just have to keep very quiet so
            that you won't be found".

            The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her
            on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her
            lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her
            until dawn.
            Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine
            inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to
            find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

            The girl came clean, "I've stowed away to get to Australia. One of the
            sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and
            water every night and he's screwing me."
            The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, "He certainly
            is love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry


              No jokes today, BP?

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                Originally posted by TheFaQQer View Post
                No jokes today, BP?

                I refer the (dis?)honourable member to my previous post :-


                Though why this thread is in light relief and atw's lunch threads are in general etcetc...


                  A contractor is driving down the M40 at 2am on his way to a gig, when he gets caught short.
                  Busting for a sh11te he pulls over, drops his kecks and does a two pounder by the side of his car.
                  Suddenly he sees the refelction of blue flashing lights. eek, he pulls his pants up , fastens his belt , then graps his AA roadmap and covers his turd with it, then stands up.
                  The policeman walks up, 'broken down sir? I can hear the engine running'
                  'er no. I havnt broken down'
                  'Dont you know its illegal to stop on the motorway unless its an emergency. The penalty is £80 and three points'
                  'er, but it WAS an emergency'
                  'you see officer, I was driving along and this fly was buzzing around the car. Round and round my head, buzz buzz buzz. It was hypnotic and sending me to sleep, so I had to pull over'
                  'The policeman looks doubtful. Whats you roadmap doing over there ?'
                  'er, well. I used it to trap the fly'
                  So the policeman pulls his truncheon out, crouches down
                  'Ok I will count to three, you pull the map away and I'll cosh the little bugger. one Two THREE'
                  WALLOP. The pair of them get splattered with sh11te.
                  'er did you get it?'

                  'No, but I think I gave it a hell of a fright'

                  ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work


                    1. Teaching Maths In 1970
                    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
                    4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

                    2. Teaching Maths In 1980
                    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is
                    4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

                    3. Teaching Maths In 1990
                    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

                    4. Teaching Maths In 2000
                    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

                    5. Teaching Maths In 2007
                    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20.

                    What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )

                    6. Teaching Maths 2017
                    أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟


                      A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago”.

                      “Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

                      After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."