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Please put more jokes here

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    Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other’s dog was just sitting there, with absolutely no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master had downed.
    "What ‘s wrong with your dog?" the first hunter asked. "The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I had ever seen!"

    "Well," the other hunter replied, "His name is Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard to get the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge. Now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."


      When a woman wears a leather dress,
      A man's heart beats quicker,
      his throat gets dry,
      he goes weak at the knees,
      and he begins to think irrationally.

      -Ever wondered why?

      .....Because she smells like a new car.


        A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

        In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was
        questioning Seamus.

        'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
        asked the solicitor.

        Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
        loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

        'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just
        Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
        'I'm fine!'?'

        Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...'

        The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after
        the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
        Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

        By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and
        said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
        favourite cow, Bessie'.

        Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
        However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

        Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

        'Now what would you say? '


          If Star Wars Was Set In Glasgow

          Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.

          Obi-Wan Kenobi would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts. People trying to start a fight with him would addess him as winky-Nobby.

          Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd'

          R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted/dumped in front of a speeding train/set on fire.

          Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'.

          The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record I Love Scotland sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.

          Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps. And you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6.

          The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be - alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks, or - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.

          Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular:-

          Han Solo

          "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
          "Ah'm tulipin' ma sel' here boy"
          "Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
          "Come right ahead then c**ts! Fight the f**ing lot o ye!"
          "There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
          "The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
          "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
          "Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
          Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker:

          "The Force is strong in this one"
          "Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
          Princess Leia

          "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you?"
          "Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
          "This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
          "Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
          Admiral Motti

          Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
          "You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
          Obi Wan

          I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
          "F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
          Luke to the Emperor

          "Your overconfidence is your weakness."
          "Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
          It's Deja-vu all over again!


            Bet laugh i've had in a while

            Cheers KW


              Originally posted by HYpno27 View Post
              Bet laugh i've had in a while

              Cheers KW

              Thank you.

              Another line I heard in the same vein from a scottish comedy show.

              Captain Kirk (in a broad scots accent) "Set your stunners to malky"
              It's Deja-vu all over again!


                A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down.

                The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

                The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here.'

                The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.

                The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she w ill have to leave and return to her seat.

                The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here.'

                The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

                The pilot says, 'you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde.'

                He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, 'oh, I'm sorry.' and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy..

                The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

                "I told her, 'first class isn't going to Toronto".
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                  Remembered this and thought of you all. Sorry if it's been posted before.

                  David Beckham gets up one morning, has a shower, puts on his favourite outfit and goes downstairs for breakfast. Victoria says ‘Morning David, you’re looking good!’

                  David replies, ‘Thanks, Victoria - looking good, feeling great!’

                  Then Victoria says, ‘But you do smell a bit, David’.

                  David says, ‘That’s odd. I just had a shower! Still, never mind, better to get off to training.’

                  So off he goes, and on the pitch he’s doing some great moves, and the coach says, ‘Hey David, you’re looking good today!’

                  David replies, ‘Thanks, Coach – looking good, feeling great!’

                  Then Coach says, ‘But you do smell a bit.’

                  David says, ‘That’s odd. Victoria said exactly the same thing!’

                  So Coach says, ‘Perhaps you should pop in and see the Doctor.’

                  David says ‘Good idea!’ and heads over the team Doctor.

                  He knocks on the door and walks in and the Doctor says, ‘Hey David, you’re looking good today.’

                  David replies, ‘Thanks Doc, looking good, feeling great! But…’

                  Doc interrupts, ‘But you do smell a bit.’

                  So David replies, ‘Well, Doc, that’s what I’m here about – Victoria and Coach said the same thing, and I don’t get it. I look good. I feel great. But I smell a bit’

                  Doc says, ‘Well that is odd. I’ve never heard of that before. I’d better look it up in my medical dictionary. Here we are. Looks good. What was it next? Feels great. Here it is. Smells a bit. I’ve got it David.

                  You’re a c**t.’


                    Human DNA

                    /* HUMAN_DNA.H
                    For many years molecular biologists have been mystified by the fact that very little of an organism's DNA seems to serve any useful function.

                    I have solved the mystery.

                    The reason why only 30% of human DNA performs any useful function is that the rest of it is comments.

                    Once we decode a typical human genome, we see that the contents begin as follows:

                    /* HUMAN_DNA.H
                    * Human Genome
                    * Version 2.1
                    * (C) God

                    /* Revision history:
                    * 0000-00-01 00:00 1.0 Adam.
                    * 0000-00-02 10:00 1.1 Eve.
                    * 0000-00-03 02:11 1.2 Added penis code to male version. A bit messy --
                    * will require a rewrite later on to make it neater.
                    * 0017-03-12 03:14 1.3 Added extra sex drive to male.h; took code from
                    * elephant-dna.c
                    * 0145-10-03 16:33 1.4 Removed tail.
                    * 1115-00-31 17:20 1.5 Shortened forearms, expanded brain case.
                    * 2091-08-20 13:56 1.6 Opposable thumbs added to hand() routine.
                    * 2501-04-09 14:04 1.7 Minor cosmetic improvements -- skin colour made
                    * darker to match my own image.
                    * 2909-07-12 02:21 1.8 Dentition inadequate; added extra 'wisdom' teeth.
                    * Must remember to make mouth bigger to compensate.
                    * 4501-12-31 14:18 1.9 Increase average height.
                    * 5533-02-12 17:09 2.0 Added gay option, triggered by high population
                    * density, to try and slow the overpopulation problem.
                    * 6004-11-04 16:11 2.1 Made forefinger narrower to fit hole in centre of
                    * CD.

                    /* Standard definitions

                    #define SEX male
                    #define HEIGHT 1.84
                    #define MASS 68
                    #define RACE caucasian

                    /* Include inherited traits from parent DNA files.
                    * Files must be pre-processed with MENDEL program to provide proper
                    * inheritance features.

                    #include "mother.h"
                    #include "father.h"

                    #infndef FATHER
                    #warn("Father unknown -- guessing\n")
                    #include "bastard.h"

                    /* Set up sex-specific functions and variables
                    #include <sex.h>

                    /* Kludged code -- I'll re-design this lot and re-write it as a proper
                    * library sometime soon.
                    struct genitals
                    #ifdef MALE
                    Penis *jt;
                    /* G_spot *g; Removed for debugging purposes */
                    #ifdef FEMALE
                    Vagina *p;

                    /* Initialization bootstrap routine -- called before DNA duplication.
                    * Allocates buffers and sets up protein file pointers
                    DNA *zygote_initialize(Sperm *, Ovum *);

                    /* MAIN INITIALIZATION CODE
                    * Returns structures containing pre-processed phenotypes for the organism
                    * to display at birth.
                    * Will be improved later to make output less ugly.
                    Characteristic *lookup_phenotype(Identifier *i);

                    ...and so on.

                    [ Note that God uses three-space tabs ]


                      Subject: FW: Sorry to any natural blondes but some of these are quite funny!
                      BLONDE LOGIC
                      Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
                      The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

                      CAR TROUBLE
                      A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
                      She says, 'What's the story?'
                      He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
                      She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

                      SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

                      RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
                      The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

                      AT T HE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. 'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
                      The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
                      The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
                      'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
                      'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

                      KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
                      Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
                      'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

                      BLONDE ON T HE SUN
                      A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
                      The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
                      The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
                      The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
                      To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

                      IN A VACUUM
                      A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
                      She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

                      FINALLY, T HE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
                      Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
                      ' HE LLLOOOOOOO.....,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'