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Please put more jokes here

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    A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

    'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

    'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

    'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars, and men.'

    'What's your name?' she asked.

    He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'


      You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

      On your left side is a drop off.

      On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

      In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way

      and you can't seem to overtake them..

      Behind you is a stampede of horses.

      What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

      Get your drunken ass of the merry-go-round!


        Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
        as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
        next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
        together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

        The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
        'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
        could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

        'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
        man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still
        clasping his hands together at his groin.

        At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
        She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
        loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
        She administered tender and artful massage for several long
        moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

        He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.


          You find out very interesting things when you have sons, like ….

          1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

          2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

          3.) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

          4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.

          5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

          6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

          7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh”, it’s already too late.

          8.) Brake fluid mixed with White King makes smoke, and lots of it.

          9.) A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

          10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.

          11.) ‘Play Dough’ and ‘microwave’ should not be used in the same sentence.

          12.) Super Glue is forever.

          13.) No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

          14.) Pool filters do not like Jelly.

          15.) VCR’s do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

          16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

          17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

          18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.

          19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

          20.) The fire department in East Melbourne has a 3-minute response time.

          21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

          22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

          23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

          24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

          25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the White King and brake fluid.


            A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.

            He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

            As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.

            The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

            'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There i s silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
            from a distant corner..

            'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'


              Two female hippies talking at Glastonbury

              'Hey man, you ever been picked up by the fuzz ?'

              'No man, but I've been swung around by the left tit'

              ("")("") Born to Drink. Forced to Work


                Did you ever stop and wonder......
                Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

                Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'


                  A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

                  Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

                  Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island.

                  After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
                  One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

                  As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
                  But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

                  After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

                  A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

                  The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
                  She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

                  When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

                  Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

                  'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
                  Where are we going? And what’s with this hand basket?


                    A man riding his Harley was rolling along a California beach when
                    suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

                    The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

                    The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

                    The biker thought about it for a long time.

                    Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand
                    women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothings wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

                    The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?


                      Originally posted by SallyAnne View Post
                      A beautiful, woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

                      After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

                      "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

                      "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

                      "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

                      Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

                      "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

                      boom boom!