Please put more jokes here

[ChimpMaster]

I'm pished after a good lunch in the City and need some entertainment. Dancing girls would be great but as they're not around I'll have to settle for this.

[SallyAnne]

Bagpuss is hot!

[SallyAnne]

A beautiful, woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."


boom boom!

[wobbegong]

On the TV the other night . . .

This guy knocks at the door, the door opens and there is a twelve year old boy standing there wearing stockings, suspenders and a lacey bra, holding a glass of red wine in one hand and a large cuban cigar in the other.

Somewhat taken aback, the guy says "Oh, erm, is your Mother in?", and the boy says "What d'you f**king think?"

[ChimpMaster]

But seriously, jokes only, not personal stories.

[Chugnut]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

[SallyAnne]

One Saturday afternoon, Paddy goes into a bar. He orders 3 pints of Guiness, stands at the bar, drinks all 3, then leaves.

The next week, he does the exact same thing.

He carries this one for months, until one day the manager of the bar pulls him to one side.

"Paddy" the manager asks "why do you always order 3 pints at the same time?"

"Well" Paddy replies "I'm one of 3 brothers. We grew up together and we always came out for a pint with each other on a Saturday afternoon - that was our thing, you know.
But we got old, got married, and now my eldest brother Shamus lives in Australia, and my youngest brother Liam lives in America.
But every Saturday afternoon we all go to our local pub, buy 3 pints of Guiness, and it feels like we're having a pint with each other - like the old days".

A tear wells in the bar managers eye at this very moving story, and continues to serve Paddy every Saturday afternoon.

One Afternoon, 5 years later, Paddy walks into the bar and only orders 2 pints of Guiness. The bar manager looks distraught "Oh god Paddy, what's happened?"

"Aye, aye, it's Shamus..." Paddy shakes his head

"Oh god paddy - is he...? is he...?"








"Aye" Paddy hangs his head "He's on anti biotics"




(wearing coat, got taxi to bridge, throwing self off)

[Xenophon]

What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

Dam(n).

[Clownio]

Tax officer arrives at a synagogue to do their annual audit. Unable to find anything wrong with their accounting practices he starts to quiz the Rabbi on other matters. First he asked "I notice you get through a lot of candles. What do you do with all the wax, are you re-using it to make new candles, thereby avioding tax on buying new candles?"
"No", said the Rabbi, "We save up all the candle wax and send it back to the factory. When they have enough they send us a discounted box of recycled candles back"
"OK then", said the inspector, "What about the Matzo Balls" You must have a lot of waste there as well, are you re-using the left-overs and avoiding Tax?"
"I'm afraid not", said the Rabbi, "Again we save up all the unused ingredients and send them back to the factory. When they have enough they send us a discounted batch of Matzo Balls back"
"Right", said the Inspector, "I notice you do a lot of circumcisions, what do you do with all the four-skins you cut off?"
"Well", said the Rabbi, "We save them all up and send them off to the Inland Revenue, and once a year they send us a complete prick back"

[freakydancer]

Jamie Oliver - "Doctor, every time I look at myself in the mirror I get aroused"

Doctor "I think I know what the problem is"

Jamie Oliver "Really? what is it?"

Doctor - "You're a c**t"