Reply to: Please put more jokes here

[LondonManc]

If we don't call the Indian Covid strain Vindaflu, is it even worth talking about it?

[vetran]

I've been looking all over the Vagina Museum for my wife but I still can't find her.

Last thing she said to me was, "I'm going to the clitoris exhibition."

[vetran]

Panto quality !

Working in a stem-cell research laboratory, I’ve just crossed a skunk with a goose, and now have a litter of six for sale.


Warning: they don’t half honk.

[xoggoth]

I have a soft spot for the wife, it's a peat bog just outside Ardross.

PS Found that while Googling "halfords windscreen wipers"

?

[vetran]

Who are the most optimistic people in the world ?

People who eat Cadbury's chocolate , They're glass-and-a half full.

[vetran]

What if porn had commercials. '" Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back after a short message about erectile dysfunction'".

[vetran]

I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit.

Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.

[vetran]

Does anyone know what cockney rhyming slang used before Scooby-Doo came along because I haven't got a...

[vetran]

Ariana Grande...
A coffee from Starbucks that Millennials drink?

Miley Cyrus...
A Persian distance?

Justin Beaver...
A moment of Beastiality?

Taylor Swift...
A quick cloth cutter?

Lady Gaga...
A time of the month when a woman is extra crazy?

Kanye West...
A compass direction to spicy pepper?

Kardashian...
A Russian breed of speedy dog?

Katy Perry...
A wine for cats?

[vetran]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked a small donation for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

[vetran]

Everybody is beautiful in their own way. It just takes a lot of alcohol to see it in some.

[vetran]

THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC -

The Pessimist;
I got furloughed then lost my job, the price of toilet rolls and hand sanitiser went through the roof, I couldn't go to Marbella, I couldn't get a Big Mac, the cinema and Wetherspoons were shut, Xmas was tulip and my Nan died.

The Optimist;
Everyone had such nice clean hands!

[vetran]

I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe!!

[vetran]

Arrived home today and saw my wife was packing.

Honestly... I don't even think she's got a gun licence.

[vetran]

Boris Johnson apologies unreservedly for the Ballymurphy massacre....

..that happened when he was 7.

Hopefully he is just getting warmed up for all the other tulip he is actually responsible for.