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Previously on "Please put more jokes here"

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  • LondonManc
    replied
    If we don't call the Indian Covid strain Vindaflu, is it even worth talking about it?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I've been looking all over the Vagina Museum for my wife but I still can't find her.

    Last thing she said to me was, "I'm going to the clitoris exhibition."

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Panto quality !

    Working in a stem-cell research laboratory, I’ve just crossed a skunk with a goose, and now have a litter of six for sale.


    Warning: they don’t half honk.

    Leave a comment:


  • xoggoth
    replied
    I have a soft spot for the wife, it's a peat bog just outside Ardross.

    PS Found that while Googling "halfords windscreen wipers"

    ?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Who are the most optimistic people in the world ?

    People who eat Cadbury's chocolate , They're glass-and-a half full.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    What if porn had commercials. '" Don't bust that nut yet, we'll be right back after a short message about erectile dysfunction'".

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I'm in line for a promotion and huge pay rise at the Ministry of Defence where I work, after finally perfecting the invisibility suit.

    Well they think I have, I've just not turned up for three weeks.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Does anyone know what cockney rhyming slang used before Scooby-Doo came along because I haven't got a...

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Ariana Grande...
    A coffee from Starbucks that Millennials drink?

    Miley Cyrus...
    A Persian distance?

    Justin Beaver...
    A moment of Beastiality?

    Taylor Swift...
    A quick cloth cutter?

    Lady Gaga...
    A time of the month when a woman is extra crazy?

    Kanye West...
    A compass direction to spicy pepper?

    Kardashian...
    A Russian breed of speedy dog?

    Katy Perry...
    A wine for cats?

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Today a man knocked on my door and asked a small donation for the local swimming pool.

    I gave him a glass of water.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Everybody is beautiful in their own way. It just takes a lot of alcohol to see it in some.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC -

    The Pessimist;
    I got furloughed then lost my job, the price of toilet rolls and hand sanitiser went through the roof, I couldn't go to Marbella, I couldn't get a Big Mac, the cinema and Wetherspoons were shut, Xmas was tulip and my Nan died.

    The Optimist;
    Everyone had such nice clean hands!

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe.

    I don't care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe!!

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Arrived home today and saw my wife was packing.

    Honestly... I don't even think she's got a gun licence.

    Leave a comment:


  • vetran
    replied
    Boris Johnson apologies unreservedly for the Ballymurphy massacre....

    ..that happened when he was 7.

    Hopefully he is just getting warmed up for all the other tulip he is actually responsible for.

    Leave a comment:

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