• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

    Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "Sure will," said the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

    "Yep," said the old man, "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

    "You bet it will," said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    "Wow!" said the cowboy; "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got any more tips?"

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

    "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

    "No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.


      Stephen Spielberg is casting for a new film based around the great composers. Anyway to give the film a twist and some "oomph" he decides to cast the parts to the great action heroes of today. He calls Stallone, Arnie, Bruce Willis and Seagal into his office to hear who they would like to play:

      "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
      "Chopin has always been my favourite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him."
      "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
      Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" So Arnold says ...
      "I'll be Bach!"


        A German fisherman made the catch of his life when he reeled in a South
        American two-foot-long Amazonian piranha weighing 6.6 pounds on the
        picturesque river Neckar, just outside Heidelberg.

        Meelis Tammre and Anna Zilberberg of Estonia have won the world
        wife-carrying championships in the Finnish village of Sonkajarvi after
        having having come second three times before. They covered the
        254-metre track, including two hurdles and a chest-deep water pool, in
        64 seconds watched by 6,000 people. Meelis won his wife's weight in

        In a brutally honest eulogy, Rev Orlando Bethel branded the late Lish
        Taylor a 'drunkard and a fornicator' who was 'burning in hell' at an
        Alabama funeral. When his microphone was switched off, the preacher
        produced a megaphone and called the bereaved 'whoremongers', after
        which they attacked him and dragged him down the aisle.

        Ulf Buck, a blind German clairvoyant from Meldorf, is reading his
        clients' futures by feeling their naked bottoms - he says buttocks have
        similar lines to those on the hand which can be read and can give
        information about his clients' personalities as well as their future
        wealth, happiness and health.

        Sniffing bees are to be used to assess strawberries for ripeness and
        flavour before they arrives on supermarket shelves. The £300,000 trial
        is being backed by Sainsbury's and the Department for Environment, Food
        and Rural Affairs. A pilot study conducted using fruit flies proved
        that insects were able to detect signs of deterioration in a single
        cherry tomato among a whole batch before any symptoms appeared.

        A Canadian political leader had to get out and push when his car broke
        down in a parade watched by thousands of spectators. Tory leader and
        former Prime Minister Joe Clark was in a 1967 Buick Wildcat convertible
        taking part in the annual Calgary Stampede. He had to push it 10
        blocks, to the cheers of the crowds.

        A German company is selling shirts made partly from silver which it
        claims don't smell even if wearers sweat on them. Silvertex GmbH from
        Neuenhagen near Berlin is making the shirts with a 5% silver content.
        Henri Dunoyer, mayor of the posh resort of La Grand-Motte in Southern
        France, has brought in a new law against smelly tourists. It allows
        police to stop people leaving the beach in swimwear for an odour check.
        Anyone found to be too smelly will be ordered to cover up or get a

        A South Carolina baseball team is trying to promote itself by setting a
        record for the lowest turn-out at a professional game. Nobody was
        allowed to watch the Charleston Riverdogs' game against the Columbus
        Redstixx on Monday. The gates were padlocked on Nobody Night until the
        end of the 5th innings and a party held outside the ballpark, including
        discounted food and beer. Past promotional stunts have included
        Vasectomy Night (which was cancelled at the last minute) and Tonya
        Harding Bat Day.

        The pilot of budget airline Ryanair flight from Stansted to Dublin
        asked passengers to load bags into the plane's hold because of a
        shortage of baggage handlers would have caused a two hour delay. He
        managed to enlist the help of three male passengers who saved the day
        by loading the luggage - the flight took off 50 minutes late.

        The first national lottery to be held in Afghanistan in more than a
        decade got off to an inauspicious start Monday when organizers failed
        to hand over the prizes. Up for grabs are a top prize of a Corolla
        car, followed by a motorcycle, a Japanese TV, a Chinese bicycle and a
        top cash prize of about $30 (almost a month's pay for many Afghans).
        Scores of punters turned up at the National Stadium clutching their
        tickets after local television and radio said they should be there on
        time to find out the winning numbers - but "There's been some delay,"
        officials said. They did not elaborate.

        A wife in Muncie, Indiana learned of her husband's bigamy while
        reading the weddings page in her local paper. Police say they've
        charged her husband with bigamy.


          a little psychological test for you to do, and please do not scroll down
          and look at the answer until you've taken the test... you will only spoil
          the fun. Here it goes...

          The main character in the story is a girl. When she was at the funeral of
          her own mother, she met this guy, who was also there, but she did not know
          who he was. Anyway, this guy just happened to be her absolute dream guy...
          and she fell in love with him at once...

          A few days later the girl killed her own sister. When the Police asked her
          why she had killed her sister... what do you think her answer was?

          Give your answer before scrolling down.


          She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.

          If youanswered this correctly, go to the police and tell them to lock
          you up.

          This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one
          killer has the same mentality as another. Many arrested serial killers took
          part in this test and answered it correctly.

          If you didn't answer correctly- good for you.

          If any of your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your


            > Captured
            > A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce
            > tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that
            > we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to
            > build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
            > The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison,
            > the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.
            > The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a
            > pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows
            > his brains out.
            > The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs
            > and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing
            > himself all over-the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.
            > There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled,
            > and screams, "What are you doing???"
            > The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, a$$
            > hole!"


              > Interfaith Meeting
              > A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
              > interfaith meeting.
              > The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and
              > I'll have a basketball team."
              > The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing,
              > boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
              > To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas haven't't got a clue. I have 17
              > wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."


                > Husband & Wife
                > Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her
                > husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills
                > and told her to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
                > The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that
                > evening. That night they made out.
                > The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really
                > got it on.
                > The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.
                > A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress. The woman's
                > son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing, the son
                > replied, "Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my as$hole hurts, and Dad is out
                > naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"


                  > Having Problems
                  > A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better
                  > times. He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry,
                  > but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your dick is burned out; you
                  > only have 30 erections left in your pen!s."
                  > The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is waiting for him at the
                  > front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He
                  > tells her what the doc told him. She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We
                  > shouldn't waste that; we should make a list!" He replies, "Yes, I already
                  > made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."


                    > A Sailor
                    > A Sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid
                    > without much success.
                    > "I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you
                    > sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."
                    > "Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
                    > "Interesting and probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde. "Let's
                    > go to my place and try them out."
                    > So they did and after the first screwing the blonde says, "Boy that was
                    > sure nice. Now that I'm rested and still horny I want to try the other
                    > one."
                    > Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp,
                    > weary dick, looked at it, and sadly declared, "Well, I'll be damned. He's
                    > pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"


                      A woman is giving a party for her grand daughter, and has gone all out,
                      caterer, band, hired a clown, you name it. Just before the party starts, two
                      bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells
                      them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Grateful,
                      they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well with
                      the children having a wonderful time, but the clown has not shown up.
                      Finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will
                      probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and
                      unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. Just then, she
                      happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels
                      across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does
                      midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and
                      says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen
                      such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
                      performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" The other
                      bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.
                      HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"