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Please put more jokes here

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    A lady walked into a pet shop. She wanted to buy a pet for her husband's
    birthday.
    "I'd like to buy a pet for my husband," she told the pet shop owner.
    "It'shis birthday."
    "I thought you already had a nice pet," said the pet shop owner.
    "Um, well, that didn't quite work out," said the woman.
    "Wouldn't your husband really like a nice kitty or puppy?" asked the pet
    shop owner.
    "No, no," said the woman. "I told you before, that won't do."
    "Well," said the pet shop owner, "I did just get something else from the
    Great White Hunter."
    "How big does it get?" asked the woman, skeptically.
    "Never gets bigger than a cat."
    "Does it eat a lot?"
    "No, in fact, it only eats what you tell it to eat. Here, I'll show you."
    And the pet shop owner went into the back room and returned with a small
    cage. Inside was a fuzzy little creature with a face as cute as a
    puppy's,fur as soft as a rabbit's, and a tail as fluffy as a cat's.
    "OOOH!" exclaimed the woman. "What is it?"
    "This," said the pet shop owner, "is a Wooleybooger."
    "A Wooleybooger?"
    "That's right. Here, watch."
    The pet shop owner pulled a mouse from the mice cage and put it in the
    cagewith the Wooleybooger. The Wooleybooger ignored it completely, until
    the pet shop owner said,
    "Wooleybooger - MOUSE!"
    In a flash, the Wooleybooger grabbed the mouse and gobbled it up.
    "Oh, but I wouldn't have to feed it mice all the time, would I?" asked the
    woman.
    "Like I said, it eats what you tell it to eat. Here, look." The pet shop
    owner took a half-eaten cheese sandwich and stuck it in the cage.
    "Wooleybooger - SANDWICH!"
    And the Wooleybooger ate the sandwich down in the blink of an eye.
    "But is it gentle?" asked the woman.
    "Sure," said the pet shop owner, and he opened the cage door. The
    Wooleybooger walked out and proceeded to rub against the woman's arm,
    making a soft humming noise.
    "That settles it," said the woman. "I'll take it."
    When she got home she made the Wooleybooger comfortable in the bedroom,
    while she went to prepare a birthday dinner.
    Later that evening, after a wonderful dinner, a little dancing, and a
    moonlight stroll, the woman's husband began to feel amorous, no doubt, to
    show his "appreciation" for his wife's efforts at making his birthday
    happy. They fell into bed and began some passionate lovemaking.
    Suddenly, the husband felt something warm and furry against his legs.
    "What's in the bed, here?" he asked, puzzled.
    "Oh, my, I nearly forgot. It's your new pet. Happy birthday, honey."
    "Well, what is it? A puppy?"
    "No, sweetheart, it's a Wooleybooger!"
    "HA!" laughed the husband, "Wooleybooger - MY ASS!"

    Comment


      A dustman is going along the street picking up the wheely bins and
      emptying them into his dustcart.
      He gets to one house where the bin has not been left out so he has a
      quick
      look for it in the front garden and then in the back garden. Still not
      being able to locate the bin he knocks on the door.
      No answer,so he knock again.
      Eventually a Japanese bloke answers..
      "Harro" says the jappy chappy.
      "Alright mate,where's your bin?" asks the dustman.
      "I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke looking perplexed.
      Realising that the Japanese fellow has misunderstood,the binman smiles
      and
      says "No mate,where's your dustbin ?"
      "I dust bin on toilet,I told you" says the Japanese bloke.
      "Mate" says the binman "You misunderstand me.. where's your wheely bin?"
      "Ok OK" says the Jap " I wheely bin having wank"

      Comment


        S.C. Anderson
        PO Box 1302
        Minnetonka, MN 55345

        Superior Health Insurance
        ATTN: Claims Review
        1423 W. 90th St.
        New York, NY 05016

        Dear Sir:

        This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
        detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
        Hospital.Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
        21(a)(3)of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original
        form, I put ``Stupidity''. I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague
        and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading
        up to my hospitalization.
        I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick
        biteto eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care
        of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise
        my
        trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
        places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I
        immediately, and with unneccesary force, returned the lid back to its
        normal position.
        Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my
        body, which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and
        its main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump
        back. It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are
        firmly attached to an unmoveable object, it is not a good idea to jump in
        the opposite direction.
        Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
        However, my slamming of it had been sufficent to allow the locking
        mechanism to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
        subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the
        lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extrcating myself.
        Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
        Embarassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
        concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational
        manner as I could. An employee from the resturaunt quickly arrived and
        decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store
        manager. Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock
        the device with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device,
        she could not get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the
        EMS (as indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).
        After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two
        police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot''
        news team. The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this
        was obviously a rescue operation. The senior member of the team
        discovered that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall
        that could only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery
        was by means of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the
        one that I was in. (Since the value of the property destroyed in his
        examination was less than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my
        claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time,
        came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall with the
        propane torch that was in the rescue truck.
        The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced
        to attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to
        think of such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device
        from the wall several things would also inevitably happen. First, the
        air inside of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the
        device to suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing
        things in an oven. Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of
        heat causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if
        thrown into a hot skillet. And, third, molten metal would shower the
        inside of the device as the torch cut through.
        The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to
        cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough
        for a small pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then
        loaded me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on
        your form.
        Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a
        full explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought
        best described my actions that led to my hospitalization.

        Sincerely,
        S. Anderson

        Comment


          There are 10 types of people in the world.

          Those that understand binary and those that don't.

          Comment


            Problem: I am thirsty and in need of refreshment.

            Man Solution: Drink beer.

            Woman Solution: Spend five hours deciding which flavour of Bacardi Breezer to drink, worry about getting fat, count calories in each flavour, get stressed as blokes have bought six rounds by this point, have a glass of water as it's 11pm sulk for the week because you got left out and had to drive.

            Problem: I feel bloated and uncomfortable.

            Man Solution: Fart As Loudly as possible. Celebrate by having a beer.

            Woman Solution: Spend £12 on Wind-eze and other such quack medication because ladies don't fart apparently. Sulk because he saves the biggest fart until you're in bed together.

            Problem: My feet hurt.

            Man Solution: Find a pub and take the weight off them. Have a beer whilst you're at it.

            Woman Solution: Spend £250 on new shoes. Never wear them as they're uncomfortable when new.

            Problem: I am hungry. Man Solution: Eat food. Any food. Preferably hot enough to generate a beer thirst.

            Woman Solution: Spend seven hours finding suitable low-calorie food that satisfies your taste buds, spend hours cooking and preparing it. Sulk when bloke arrives stinking of beer with a Donner Kebab.

            Problem: I am depressed.

            Man Solution: Drink beer with your mates, talk about how great breasts are and forget what the problem was.

            Woman Solution: Cry. For no reason whatsoever. Ring bloke. Get upset with him for something he didn't do/doesn't remember doing/wasn't physically capable of doing. Ring friend make her cry too.

            Problem: I am bored and have no money.

            Man Solution: Have a beer - that's what you spent your money on right?

            Woman Solution: Count your collection of unworn shoes, tidy house, shout at bloke for being messy, watch Bridget Jones/Titanic/Girlie Film. Cry about something meaningless and unimportant, cry more because you don't know why you're crying. Think how wonderful bloke is as he gives you a loving cuddle, until you notice that he smells of beer and is actually relying on you to hold him upright. Shout a bit and cry some more.

            Comment


              The Pope was finishing his sermon and ended it with the Latin
              phrase, "Tuti Hominus" -- Blessed be mankind.

              A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They
              said, 'We noticed that the Pope blessed all mankind, but not
              womankind.'

              The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,

              "Tuti Hominus et tuti Feminus." Blessed be mankind and womankind.

              The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said
              they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind and asked if
              he could also bless all the homosexuals. The Pope said, "Sure."

              The next day he concluded his sermon with:

              "Tuti hominus et tuti Feminus et tuti Fruity"

              Comment


                Why do men fart louder than woman?

                Woman can't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure.

                Comment


                  > Apparently, there is talk of a film being made about the life of Dr
                  > Harold Shipman, and Robert de Niro has agreed to play the leading
                  > role. The film is going to be call Old Dear Hunter!

                  Comment


                    An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter
                    at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
                    bloodcurdling screams.

                    "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the
                    holes bored into her shoulder blades for her wings."

                    The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
                    conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.

                    "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening"?

                    "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
                    the halo."

                    "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off to hell."

                    "You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."

                    "Yes, but I've already got the holes for that," says the old lady.

                    Comment


                      I've heard that Dr Shipman has taken up boxing in prison, apparently his
                      defence isn't up to much, but he's got a lethal jab.

                      Comment

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