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Please put more jokes here

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    A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a
    graveside committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with
    no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got
    himself lost, making several wrong turns. He arrived a half-hour late,
    the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch. The
    pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
    Taking out his book, he read the service. As he was returning to his
    car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him
    it's a septic tank."


      Two female cats are sitting on the fence shooting the breeze when a really
      good-looking male cat walks by and winks at them.
      "Oh baby, did you get a load of that one?" one of the cats says.
      "I wouldn't mind sharing a dead rat with him!"
      "Oh, forget about him," her friend tells her. "I went out with him once,
      and all he did was talk about his operation."


        A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with
        a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried
        and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to
        head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old
        gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could
        accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not
        being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.

        To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't
        hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't
        waste much time.

        Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man
        found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree
        right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the

        After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old
        man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the
        ball right over that tree."

        With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung
        hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk
        and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it
        had originally lay.

        The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I
        was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."


          A man comes out of the bathroom naked and approaches his wife for sex.

          She uttered, as usual, "I have a headache".

          The man delightfully replies "That's okay honey, I was just in the
          bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin."

          "Do you want to take it orally, or as a suppository?"...........


            According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently
            was faced with a unique problem . . . . .

            A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
            on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press
            their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of lip prints.

            Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the
            girls would put them back.

            Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
            all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

            She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for
            the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
            difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man
            to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a
            long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror
            with it.

            Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


              Secrets to a Happy Marriage from a Male Point of View

              1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
              2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
              3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
              4. It is important that these three women never meet.


                A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a
                young woman with three small children running around her. He asked
                her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her
                if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he
                mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she
                certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer
                was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse."
                The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because
                everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's
                bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual
                intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how
                you use it?" "We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."


                  A doctor walked into a bank. As he was about to write a cheque, he pulled out a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realising his mistake, he looked at the object with annoyance and said: ‘Oh well, that’s just great… Some asshole’s stolen my pen.


                    A love-starved spinster is so desperate, she goes to a local newspaper office and asks to put an advert in the lonely hearts’ column.
                    ‘Certainly, madam’, the assistant says. ‘We charge a minimum of £1 per insertion.’ ‘You don’t say,’ says the spinster, looking excited. ‘Well then, here’s £20 and to hell with the advertisement.’


                      A young little blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her
                      mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. All the other
                      girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! It's
                      good, innit?"

                      "Yes darling, very good."

                      "Is that because I'm blond?"

                      "Yes darling, it's because you're blond."

                      Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at
                      school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but
                      listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K! It's good innit?"

                      "Yes darling, very good."

                      "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

                      "Yes darling it's because you're blond."

                      Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming.
                      Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She proceeds to
                      flash her impressive 36 D at her mummy. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"

                      "No darling, it's because you're 25."