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Please put more jokes here

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    Originally posted by xoggoth View Post
    Ok! Enough of basking in the praise, now GET ON WITH YOUR WORK and post more jokes!

    He said... Want a quickie?
    She said...As opposed to what?

    He said... "Shall we try a different position tonight?"
    She said..."That's a good idea.... you stand by the ironing board while I
    sit on the sofa and fart. "


      When I was younger I hated going to weddings.
      It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly
      types used to come up to me, poking me in the
      ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

      They stopped that sh*t after I started doing the same
      thing to them at funerals.


        Something from the ark...

        Bloke goes to a dentist.

        Dentist says, "Say aaaahh."

        Bloke says, "I haven't sat down yet."

        Dentist replies, "Someone ran over my dog."


          Wicked nursery rhymes

          Mary had a little lamb
          Her father shot it dead.
          Now it goes to school with her,
          between two hunks of bread.

          Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
          Her clothes all tattered and torn.
          It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
          But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

          Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
          Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
          What have you got there?
          Said the Pieman unto Simon,
          Pies, you prat.

          Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
          Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
          All the kings horses and all the kings men,
          said "**** him, He's only an egg."

          Mary had a little lamb
          It ran into a pylon.
          10,000 volts went up it's a**
          and turned it's wool to nylon

          Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
          Kissed the girls and made them cry.
          When the boys came out to play,
          He kissed them too, cause he was gay.

          Jack and Jill
          Went up the hill
          to have little fun.
          Jill, that dill
          Forgot her pill
          and now they have a son.


            Green Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not

            A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during recent
            cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from

            a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was
            hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and
            the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

            The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to
            see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He
            got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that
            time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the
            snake had bitten him and he fainted. His wife thought he had a heart
            attack, so called an ambulance.

            The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started
            carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa
            and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the
            stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

            The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a

            neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a
            rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it
            was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But in
            relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake

            wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the
            sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there passed out tried to use
            CPR to revive her.

            The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
            store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband
            in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and
            cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

            An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required

            hospitalization. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw
            her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she
            assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen, brought
            back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

            By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the
            whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to
            arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened
            over a little green snake.

            They called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

            Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch. One of the
            policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg
            of the end table that was on one side of the sofa. The table fell over and
            the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the
            drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through
            the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up
            and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and

            smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.

            Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house
            was blazing. Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving
            fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the
            street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the
            electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

            Time passed - Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was
            rebuilt, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.
            About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold

            snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should
            bring in their plants for the night. She shot him.


              Rugby Bloopers
              For those of you who ever had any doubts about men who enjoy the
              rough and tumble of rugby read on

              The best quotes from Sky TVs rugby man, the ubiquitous Murray Mexted!

              "You don't like to see hookers going down on players like that."

              "He's looking for some meaningful penetration into the backline."

              "Spencer's running across field calling out, come inside me,
              come inside me."

              "I can tell you it's a magnificent sensation when the gap
              opens up like that and you just burst right through."

              "I don't like this new law, because your first instinct when
              you see a man on the ground is to go down on him"

              "Darryl Gibson has been quite magnificent coming inside Andrew
              Mehrtens, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of the same today."

              "There's nothing that a tight forward likes more than a loosie
              right up his backside"

              "Everybody knows that I have been pumping Martin Leslie for a
              couple of seasons now."


                Women's Most Embarrassing Moments...
                I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
                loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
                An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He
                was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as
                best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came
                back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
                I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
                wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
                adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well
                that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
                Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and
                suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was
                shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection
                in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
                I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was
                unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several
                minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at
                the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him
                and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
                My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety
                of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter
                asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
                My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
                beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
                A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
                around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to
                find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he
                had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told
                him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask
                her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class.
                Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
                investigate, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
                out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he
                said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come
                and pick me up from school."


                  alternate meanings for various words.

                  The following were some of the winning entries:

                  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

                  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

                  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

                  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
                  have gained.

                  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
                  absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

                  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

                  Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

                  Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

                  Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up
                  after you are run over by a steamroller.

                  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

                  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

                  Semantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying
                  for the priesthood,including such things as gluing the pages
                  of the priest's prayer book together just before vespers.

                  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by
                  a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

                  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
                  Yiddish expressions.

                  Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

                  Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your
                  soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

                  The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers
                  to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, sub-
                  tracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
                  Here are some recent winners:

                  Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
                  the reader who doesn't get it.

                  Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

                  Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

                  Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
                  purpose of obtaining sEURx.

                  Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.

                  Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

                  Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all
                  these, really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth
                  explodes and it's like a serious bummer.

                  Glibido: All talk and no action.

                  Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
                  smarter when they come at you rapidly.

                  Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Taxation
                  Office, which lasts until you realize it was your money to
                  start with.

                  And, best of all...

                  Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid AND an a**hole


                    > Just Following Directions...
                    > A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
                    > "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
                    > this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
                    > at least 5 pounds."
                    > When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
                    > pounds.
                    > "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
                    > The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
                    > drop dead that 3rd day."
                    > "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
                    > "No, from skipping."


                      1.What do you call a handcuffed man?

                      2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
                      calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
                      3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
                      Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
                      4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.
                      5. How do men exercise on the beach?
                      By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

                      6. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
                      Make him wear shoes.
                      7. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
                      He buys two cases of beer instead of one
                      8. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
                      ONE ..........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to
                      around him.
                      9. What did God say after creating man?
                      I can do so much better.
                      10. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
                      Telling you his real name.
                      11. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
                      Put the remote control between his toes.
                      12. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
                      "My wife says..."
                      13. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
                      So men can understand them.
                      14. Why did God create man before woman?
                      Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating
                      15. Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
                      To stop the snoring before it starts.
                      16. Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
                      To keep them from grazing.
                      17. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
                      Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
                      18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
                      Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
                      19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
                      When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already here.