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    Be grateful God doesn't have voice mail.....

    Imagine praying and hearing the following:

    "Thank you for calling Heaven. Please select one of the following options:

    Press 1 for Requests
    Press 2 for Thanksgiving
    Press 3 for Complaints
    Press 4 for all other inquiries

    I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners
    right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer
    it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line. If you
    would like to speak to:

    God, press 1
    For Jesus, press 2
    For the Holy Spirit, press 3

    If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,
    press 4.

    To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then
    enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.
    (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code

    For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3-1-6

    For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the
    earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait
    until you arrive.

    Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up
    and try again tomorrow.

    This office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

    Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after
    hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

    Have a nice day! "


      Politics is like window-cleaning. No matter the side you are on, dirt is always
      on the other side.
      (Aldo Cammarota)


        Old man and Old Lady are sitting in bed one night and the Old Man says to
        Old Lady "What do you want for your birthday ?" "Oral Sex" says the Old
        Lady. So dutifully the old man slides down the bed, slips under the duvet
        and heads for the spreading legs. A couple of seconds later, the Old Man
        re-appears, holding his nose and says "What is that terrible smell ?" The
        Old Lady replies "Arthritis" "Arthritis doesn't smell" says the Old Man. "It
        does when you can't wipe your arse!!" replies the Old Lady.


          A little girl goes to the barber shop with her
          father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while
          her dad gets his haircut.
          The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna
          get hair on your muffin."
          "I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."


            A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in
            his stomach.

            She commented, "I don't think that's going to help."

            "Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."



              1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add
              one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an
              additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per

              2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She
              is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

              3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear
              heavy breathing again.

              4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a
              pound. Apparently you have to show up.

              5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures
              out what I am doing.

              6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he
              would have put them further up our body.

              7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who
              annoy me.

              8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

              9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

              10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small

              11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump
              right out of my glass.


                Priory Clinic Voicemail:

                If you have delusions of grandeur - press the star key now
                If you have a cannibas addiction - press the hash key now

                Irish Samaritans Voicemail:

                If you are about to commit suicide - press 1
                If you've already committed suicide - press 2

                Recruitment Agency voicemail:

                Our opening hours are between 7pm Friday and 7am Sunday.


                  Gotta pee...

                  Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

                  Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

                  One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

                  Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

                  She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

                  After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

                  The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!"

                  "That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that said.....

                  "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"


                    In a Tokyo Hotel:
                    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do
                    such thing, please not to read notice.

                    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
                    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
                    you will be unbearable.

                    In a Leipzig elevator:
                    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

                    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
                    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
                    more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is
                    then going alphabetically by national order.

                    In a Paris hotel elevator:
                    Please leave your values at the front desk.

                    In a hotel in Athens:
                    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
                    11 A.M. daily.

                    In a Japanese hotel:
                    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

                    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
                    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
                    composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

                    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
                    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of

                    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
                    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

                    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
                    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
                    form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the
                    country people's fashion.

                    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
                    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

                    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
                    Drop your trousers here for best results.

                    Outside a Paris dress shop:
                    Dresses for street walking.

                    In a Rhodes tailor shop:
                    Order your summer?s suit. Because of big rush we will execute customers in
                    strict rotation.

                    From the Soviet Weekly:
                    There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters
                    and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

                    A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
                    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of
                    different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
                    they are married with each other for that purpose.


                      At a recent computer expo someone reportedly compared the computer
                      industry with the
                      automobile industry, suggesting that if the car industry had kept up
                      technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving £25
                      that do 1000 miles to the gallon.

                      The car industry fought back with the following:-

                      Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

                      Every time they repainted the lines on the road would you want to buy a
                      new car.
                      Occasionally your car would die on the motorway for no apparent reason,
                      you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

                      Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and
                      and you would have to re-fit the engine. For some strange reason, you
                      would accept this too.

                      You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought
                      "Car95" or "CarNT".
                      But then you would have to buy more seats.

                      Someone would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five
                      times as
                      fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the

                      Some car owners would get expensive upgrades to their cars, which would
                      make their cars run much slower.

                      The oil, fuel and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
                      single "general car fault" warning light.

                      New seats would force everyone to have the same sized backside.

                      The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

                      If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.