• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts


    ELEMENT: Woman
    SYMBOL: Wo
    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40-200kg
    OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas


    1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
    2. Boils at nothing; freezes without known reason.
    3. Melts if given special treatment.
    4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
    5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore.
    6. Yields if pressure applied in correct places.


    1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious
    2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no
    known reason.
    4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity increases greatly by
    saturation in alcohol.
    5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.


    1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    2. Very effective cleaning agent.


    1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the
    natural state.
    2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.


    1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be
    maintained at different locations as long as specimens do
    not come into direct contact with each other.


      A fly is hovering about twelve inches above the surface of a lake. A trout
      sees the fly and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches,
      I can jump out of the water, snatch him up, and have myself a nice lunch."
      A bear is crouched near a tree on the edge of the lake. He sees the fly and

      the trout and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the

      trout will jump out of the water, and I can dash in and grab him and have
      myself a nice lunch."
      A hunter is standing on the other side of the lake. He sees the fly, the
      trout, and the bear, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six
      inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will come running
      into the lake, and I can get a nice clean shot at him and have myself some
      bear meat for lunch."
      A mouse is hiding on the ground next to the hunter. He sees the fly, the
      trout, and the bear, and sees a cheese sandwich dangling from the hunter’s
      bag, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop just six inches, the
      will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into the lake, and this
      hunter will open fire, causing the sandwich to fall and giving me a heckuva
      A cat is lying nearby in the grass. He sees the fly, the trout, the bear,
      the hunter, and the mouse, and says to himself, "If that fly would drop
      six inches, the trout will jump out of the water, the bear will rush into
      lake, the hunter will open fire, the sandwich will fall, the mouse will
      grab the
      sandwich, and I can sneak up on the mouse and have myself a nice lunch."
      Lo and behold, it happens. The fly drops six inches, the trout jumps out of

      the water, the bear rushes into the lake, the hunter opens fire, the
      sandwich falls, the mouse grabs the sandwich, and the cat lunges for the
      misses, and falls into the lake.
      What is the moral of the story?
      A lots needs to happen for the pussy to get wet


        The following is said to be an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via e-mail, which, of course, is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
        Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat) ?

        Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student however, wrote the following:

        'First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

        This gives two possibilities:

        1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

        2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

        So, which is it ?

        If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you', and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God'.

        The student is said to have recived an A+.


          SALAD DODGER.
          excellent phrase for an overweight person.

          * SWAMP-DONKEY
          A deeply
          unattractive person.

          * TESTICULATING.
          Waving your arms around and
          talking bollocks.

          * BLAMESTORMING.
          Sitting round in a group,
          discussing why a deadline was missed or a
          project failed, and who was

          * SEAGULL MANAGER.
          A manager who flies in, makes a lot
          of noise, craps on everything, and
          Then leaves.

          * ASSMOSIS.
          process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
          sucking up
          to the boss rather than working hard.

          * SALMON DAY.
          The experience
          of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
          screwed and die.

          * CUBE FARM.
          An office filled with cubicles.

          * PRAIRIE
          When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and

          people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also

          applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

          Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn

          into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home

          with the kids or start a 'home business'.

          * SINBAD.
          working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

          * AEROPLANE
          One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

          The fine art of whacking the crap out of
          an electronic device to get it
          to work again.

          * ADMINISPHERE.

          The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and

          file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly

          inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
          This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' -

          paperwork and processes.

          * 404.
          Someone who's clueless. From the
          World Wide Web error message '404 Not
          Found' meaning that the requested
          document could not be located.

          * AUSSIE KISS.
          Similar to a French
          Kiss, but given down under.

          * OH - NO SECOND.
          That minuscule
          fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
          made a BIG mistake
          (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

          * GREYHOUND.
          A very short skirt, only
          an inch from the hare.

          * JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
          A young man of substandard
          intelligence, the typical adolescent who
          works in a burger restaurant. The
          'no-stars' comes from the badges
          displaying stars that staff at fast-food
          rest au rants often wear to
          their level of training.

          The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive
          when viewed from
          the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth

          * MONKEY BATH .
          A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself
          in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
          Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

          * MYSTERY BUS.
          The bus
          that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
          toilet after
          your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people
          the pub is
          suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

          * MYSTERY TAXI.

          The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake

          up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter
          bed instead.

          * BEER COAT.
          The invisible but warm coat
          worn when walking home after a booze cruise
          At 3:00am .

          * BEER
          The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after
          cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how

          you got here, and where you've come from.

          * BREAKING THE SEAL.

          Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After

          breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be

          required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

          * TART
          Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

          TRAMP STAMP
          Tattoo on a female

          * PICASSO BUM.
          A woman whose
          knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
          got 4 buttocks


            A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.

            'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

            'Well, my 1st husband was a Sales Representative; he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

            'My 2nd Husband was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

            'My 3rd Husband was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get it up and running.

            'My 4th Husband was in Logistics; even though he knew he'd got the right equipment, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

            'My 5th Husband was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

            'My 6th Husband was in Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

            'My 7th Husband was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

            'My 8th Husband was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

            'My 9th Husband was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

            'My 10th Husband was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........ God I miss him.

            'But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

            'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?

            'You're a plumber....So this time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED'


              THE PERFECT DAY

              FOR HER

              8.15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

              8.30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.

              8.45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice
              and croissants; open presents - expensive jewellery
              chosen by thoughtful partner.

              9.15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

              10.00 Light work out at club with handsome funny
              personal trainer.

              10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.
              12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor

              12.45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and
              notices she has gained 7kg.

              1.00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

              3.00 Nap.

              4.00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is
              from secret admirer.

              4.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from
              strong but gentle hunk who says he rarely gets to work
              on such a perfect body.

              5.30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe,
              parade before full length mirror.

              7.30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing,
              with compliments received from other diners/dancers.

              10.00 Hot shower (alone).

              10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp,
              new, white linen).

              11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

              11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

              FOR HIM

              6.00 Alarm.

              6.15 Blow job.

              6.30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports

              7.00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast,
              all cooked by naked buxom wench.

              7.30 Limo arrives.

              7.45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport.

              9.15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.

              9.30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job

              9.45 Play front nine (2 under).

              11.45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a
              bottle of Dom Perignon.

              12.15 Blow job.

              12.30 Play back nine (4 under).

              2.15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys).

              2.30 Fly to Monte Carlo.

              3.30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female
              crew (all nude).

              4.30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light

              5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle

              6.45 tulip, Shower and Shave.

              7.00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;
              marijuana and porn legalised.

              7.30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953),
              big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on
              a pair of tits.

              9.00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of
              wall-size TV as you watch international match of the
              day; England beating Germany 11-0.

              9.30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian

              11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and
              a cleansing ale.

              11.30 A night cap blowjob.

              11.45 In bed alone.

              11.50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and
              forces the dog to leave the room.


                A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.
                He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell
                her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves..."Do you
                know how they make these rubber gloves?"

                She said, "No?"

                "Well," he spoofed, "Down in Mexico they have this big building
                set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked
                according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank,
                dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the
                latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel
                off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate'
                and start the process all over again."

                And she didn't laugh a bit! Five minutes later, during the
                procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst
                out laughing.

                The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought
                about how they must make condoms!"


                  Mejia was trying to get a job in India, the personnel manager said 'Muzibar, you have passed all the tests except one, Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'

                  Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'

                  The manager said,
                  'Make a sentence using the words
                  Yellow, Pink and Green .'

                  Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said,
                  'Mister manager, I am ready'

                  The manager said, 'Go ahead.'

                  Mujibar said,
                  'The telephone goes green,green,green,green, and I pink it up, and say, ' Yellow ' , this is Mujibar.'

                  Mujibar now works at a call center.

                  No doubt you have spoken to him.
                  I know I have.


                    A bloke in a wheelchair enters 'Stars In Their Eyes' and goes on stage
                    to Matthew, who asks him his name, to which he answers 'Simon'
                    "and why are you in this wheelchair?" asks Matthew.
                    "Well, two years ago my uncle and I were involved in a car crash.
                    My uncle was killed instantaneously and I was trapped for 6 hours before the
                    emergency services could cut me free. Unfortunately they had to
                    amputate both my legs. The good news was that they managed to save my uncles
                    legs and transplant them onto me, and in 6 months the doctors tell me I
                    should be walking.
                    "Excellent" says Matthew, "and who have you come as tonight?"
                    "Tonight, I'm going to be........Simon & Halfuncle"


                      Eminem's tour of Australia is to go ahead despite concerns about a
                      sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an
                      irresponsible attitude to sex and violence and of course, the
                      dungarees. But Eminem said despite these shocking idiosyncrasies he
                      was willing to judge Australians for himself.