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    Originally posted by BA to the Stars View Post
    BUSINESS PHILOSOPHY


    SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some
    milk.

    FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks
    the other and then throws the milk away.

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
    income.

    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
    harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the
    other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to
    analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to
    your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your
    brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an
    associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax
    exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are
    transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public buys your bull.

    FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a
    riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

    JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
    one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the
    milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

    GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they
    live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

    ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they
    are. You decide to have lunch.

    RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you
    have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

    CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking
    them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity,
    and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

    IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them
    that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you
    and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are
    part of a Democracy.

    WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very
    attractive.

    AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate
    GORDON'S NEW LABOUR GOVERNMENT:

    You have no cows, but you have hypothetical MOO and are taxed accordingly.
    Last edited by Denny; 24 January 2008, 13:34.

    Comment


      An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
      The man says, "Give me three cold Guinness Stouts please."
      So the bartender brings him three cold brews and the man proceeds to
      alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He
      then orders three more.
      The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order
      three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you
      a fresh cold one."
      The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia
      and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night
      we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness
      Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
      The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
      Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in
      and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
      The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like
      to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
      The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

      Comment


        Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the
        welcoming ceremony the boss says: `You`re all part of our team now. You can
        earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to
        eat. Just don`t trouble the other employees`. The cannibals promise not to
        trouble the other employees.

        Four weeks later the boss returns and says: `You`re all working very hard,
        and I`m very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
        however. Do any of you know what happened to her?` The cannibals denied all
        knowledge of the missing cleaner.

        After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others
        `Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?` A hand raises hesitantly, to which
        the leader of the cannibals says `You fool! For four weeks we`ve been eating
        Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice
        anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!`

        Comment


          This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many
          books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the
          necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

          After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make
          a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice
          boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

          Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
          Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.
          Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO
          FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

          The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite
          end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her
          hole. The voice came once more, even louder: "THERE ARE NO
          FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

          She stopped, looked skyward, and said, " Is that you, Lord?"

          The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!"

          Comment


            SIGNS SPOTTED AROUND THE WORLD

            People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
            with their English-speaking tourists.

            Cocktail lounge, Norway:
            LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

            At a Budapest zoo:
            PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
            TO THE GUARD ON DUTY

            Doctors office, Rome:
            SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

            Hotel, Acapulco:
            THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

            Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
            COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
            PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

            Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
            WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM
            MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE
            HIM WITH VIGOR

            Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
            DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

            Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
            TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT

            In a Nairobi restaurant:
            CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

            On the grounds of a private school:
            NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

            On an Athi River highway:
            TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

            On a poster at Kencom:
            ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP

            In a City restaurant:
            OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS

            One of the Mathare buildings:
            MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.

            A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
            DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS

            In a Pumwani maternity ward:
            NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

            In a cemetery
            PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
            GRAVES

            Sign in Japanese public bath:
            FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.

            Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
            GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
            BED.

            Hotel notice, Tokyo:
            IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
            SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO HAD NOTIS

            On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
            OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

            In a Tokyo bar:
            SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS

            In a Bangkok temple:
            IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

            Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
            PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

            Hotel brochure, Italy:
            THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM
            ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE

            Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
            THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET
            THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

            Hotel elevator, Paris:
            PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

            Hotel, Yugoslavia:
            THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID

            Hotel, Japan:
            YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

            In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
            YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
            COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

            Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
            NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
            ASCENSION.

            Taken from a menu, Poland:
            SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN
            THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE
            COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION

            Supermarket, Hong Kong:
            FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

            From the "Soviet Weekly":
            THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
            PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

            In an East African newspaper:
            A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
            THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS

            Hotel, Vienna:
            IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER

            A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
            IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
            DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
            UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

            Hotel, Zurich:
            BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
            THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE

            An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
            TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

            A laundry in Rome:
            LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
            TIME.

            Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
            TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

            Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
            WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

            In the window on a Swedish furrier:
            FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN.

            The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
            GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

            In a Swiss mountain inn:
            SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

            Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
            WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

            On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
            IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.

            And in Hitchin, Hertfordshire, on a fence
            BEWARE OF FENCE

            Comment


              > TECHNOLOGY
              >
              > Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping
              > sound. The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The two
              > others look astonished. "Oh", he says, "I have a microchip under the skin
              > of my arm and that's my pager."
              >
              > A moment later there is a ringing sound. The second man lifts his arm to
              > his ear and starts talking. When he is done he explains, "I have a
              > microchip in my arm and that's my mobile phone."
              >
              > The third man feels somewhat left out and steps out of the sauna. After a
              > few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper sticking out from
              > between his buttocks. The two others look astonished. "Oh, I'm just
              > getting a Fax" he explains.

              Comment


                From Daily Express 06/09/01

                If you're going to rob banks, at least find out what they do. David Potchen,
                39, stormed into Centier Bank in Lowell, Indiana, the other day armed with a
                shotgun and demanding two Big Macs. Bank workers hit the panic button and
                soon the building was surrounded by cops.

                "We don't know what's inside his head," Mike Arredondo, the local sheriff,
                told reporters as a tense siege played out.

                The four-hour standoff finally ended when police gave the robber two Big
                Macs. He surrended peacefully. And full.

                Comment


                  Why do the French eat so much garlic?

                  So the deaf and blind can hate them as well.

                  Comment


                    Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went
                    missing for six days.

                    Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting
                    on the seventh day.

                    He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

                    God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly
                    pointed downwards through the clouds,

                    "Look Michael, look what I've made."

                    Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

                    "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it.

                    I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place
                    of balance."

                    "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

                    God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth,


                    "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great
                    opportunity and wealth

                    while Southern Europe is going to be poor;

                    the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

                    Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
                    there is a continent of black people,"

                    God continued, pointing to different countries.

                    "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
                    be very cold and covered in ice."

                    The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large
                    landmass in the top corner

                    and asked, "What's that one?"

                    "Ah," said God.

                    "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.

                    There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an
                    exquisite coastline.

                    The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and
                    humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

                    They'll be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving,

                    and they will be known throughout the of world as diplomats and
                    carriers of peace.

                    I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice
                    hockey players

                    who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

                    Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed;
                    "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"

                    God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards
                    I'm putting next to them...."

                    Comment


                      Three religious truths:

                      1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
                      2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
                      faith.
                      3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at
                      Hooters.

                      Comment

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