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    A young boy had just got his driving licence. He asked his
    father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of
    the car.

    His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring
    your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair
    cut, then we will talk about it."

    A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if
    they could discuss his use of the car.

    His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought
    your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you
    didn't get hair cut!"

    The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've
    been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses
    had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long

    His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they


      Due to certain complaints this joke has the facility to insert your own hair

      A <choose your hair colour> had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.
      Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch
      and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!"
      trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on
      by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

      "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the <choose your hair colour> chirped.

      "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he
      surveyed the wrecked car.

      "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the <choose your hair colour> began.
      "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in
      front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I
      swerved to
      the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there
      was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

      "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off ... "there isn't a tree
      on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back
      and forth."



        A Company Chairman was given ticket for a performance of Schubert's
        Unfinished Symphony. Being unable to go, he passed the invitation to
        the Company's Work Study Consultant. The next morning, the Chairman
        asked him how he had enjoyed it and, instead of a few plausible
        observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

        a. For considerable periods, the oboe players had nothing to do. The
        number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole
        orchestra, thus eliminating peaks of inactivity.

        b. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
        unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be
        drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this
        should be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

        c. Much effort was absorbed in the playing of demisemiquavers. This
        seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes
        should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it
        should be possible to use trainees and low grade operators.

        d. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
        that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
        passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours
        to twenty minutes.

        In the light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert
        given attention to these maters, he would probably have had time to
        finish his Symphony.

        A Work Study of similar symphonies according to these suggestions
        would permit various concerts each evening. Each second concert hall
        in the town would thus be free for other purposes. The resulting
        energy saving would be an important secondary effect.


          A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his
          cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?"

          "Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

          His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

          "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4
          worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"


            The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they
            were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what
            they were having.

            "Goat," the little boy replied.

            "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

            "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the
            old goat for dinner today as any other day.'


              A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in
              a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come
              work for him as his valet.

              "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the Army," the
              general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."

              Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the
              ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle
              shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's
              wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for


                Three beggars are begging in New York City.

                The first one wrote "beg" on his broken steel cup and he received ten
                bucks after one day.

                The second one wrote "beg.com" on his cup and after one day he received
                hundreds of thousand dollars. Someone even wanted to take him to NASDAQ.

                The third one wrote "ebeg" on his cup. Both IBM and HP sent
                vice-presidents to talk to him about a strategic alliance and offered
                him free Hardware and professional consulting while Larry Ellison claimed on
                CNBC that ebeg uses 95% Oracle technology and i2 announced
                begTradeMatrix a b2b industry portal to offer supply chain integration in the

                Cisco just announced that virtually all ebeg traffic runs over their


                  One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I wants you to Make
                  me a new Ark"
                  Noah replies, "Nay probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all,
                  you're the boss!"
                  But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a
                  couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other."
                  "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, ok Big man, what ever you say, should I fill
                  it up with all the animals just like last time?"
                  "..... Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right ....... this time I want you
                  to fill it up with fish" God answers.
                  "Fish?" Queries Noah.
                  "Yep, fish ... well, make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall,
                  floor to ceiling - Carp!"
                  Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my mate, let me get this right, you want a New
                  "With 20 decks, one on tope of the other?"
                  "And you want it full of Carp?"
                  "Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of
                  his tether.
                  "Dunno" says God

                  "I just always fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"


                    Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the
                    end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of
                    people with no obvious signs of injury.
                    He goes to greet the first and the chap replies:
                    "FAIR fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the
                    puddin'.race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch,
                    tripe, or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o'a grace As lang 's my arm."
                    Tony, being somewhat confused(easily done)goes to the next
                    patient and greets him. The chap replies:
                    "Some hae meat, and canna eat, And some wad eat that want
                    it, But we hae meat and we can eat, And sae the Lord be
                    The third starts rattling off as follows:
                    "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's
                    in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi
                    bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, Wi
                    murdering pattle!"
                    Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort
                    of ward this is. A mental ward?
                    "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."


                      >A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
                      > Her 9
                      >year old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the
                      >closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts
                      >lover in the closet with the little boy.
                      > The little boy says, "Dark in here"
                      > The man says, "Yes, it is."
                      > Boy: "I have a baseball"
                      > Man: "That's nice"
                      > Boy: "Want to buy it?"
                      > Man: "No, thanks."
                      > Boy: "My dad's outside"
                      > Man: "OK, how much?"
                      > Boy: "$25."
                      > In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
                      >are in
                      >the closet together.
                      > Boy: "Dark in here"
                      > Man: "Yes, it is"
                      > Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
                      > Remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
                      > Boy: "$75"
                      > Man: "Fine"
                      > A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your
                      >glove. Let's
                      >go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
                      > The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
                      > Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
                      > Boy: "$100"
                      > The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
                      >that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
                      >and make you confess."
                      > They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
                      >booth and he closes the door.
                      > The boy says, "Dark in here."
                      > The Priest says, "Don't start that tulip again!"