Please put more jokes here

[Advocate]

Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Let me just try and translate th.....

[BrilloPad]

WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Swiss Tony]

Why has no one invented bubble wrap where the bubbles are filled with helium so that your packages are lighter and cheaper to post?

[Swiss Tony]

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

[Swiss Tony]

I like going bowling; I always make my name '3 Testicles' on the board.

That way the TV occasionaly says "Congratulations 3 Testicles! You got a spare."

[TheFaQQer]

It’s really difficult to find what you want on eBay.
I was searching for cigarette lighters and it found over 15,000 matches.

[thunderlizard]

Why has no one invented bubble wrap where the bubbles are filled with helium so that your packages are lighter and cheaper to post?

You're wrong, I've got some of that...now, where's it gone?

[Swiss Tony]

After the birth of our first child, my wife said she'd never experienced anything more painful than childbirth.

Well, she's obviously never tried to eat a Toblerone straight from the fridge.

[Swiss Tony]

Harry Potter chat-up lines:

Could I get my basilisk into your chamber of secrets?

Engorgio! Oh wait I don't need magic to enlarge this!

I wanna be your Dumblewhore.

Let's go deep into your Forbidden Forest.

Baby I'm tighter than Gringott's security and I'd love to take you down and show you the vaults.

Hey baby, I may be a Gryffindor, but something in my pants is a Slytherin.

Get your cloak, you've pulled.

Looked in the Mirror of Erised and saw you baby. Then I went to the Room of Requirement and it was full of tissues.

Wanna learn to speak troll? I'll get you grunting in no time.

Before me and my last girlfriend used to go up there, the Shrieking Shack was just called the Shack.

[Swiss Tony]

Tea is for mugs