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Please put more jokes here

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    It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
    Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher
    greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
    American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me

    She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba,
    who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

    "Now," said the teacher, "Who said 'Government of the people,
    by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

    Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed.
    Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than
    you do."

    As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard
    a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

    "Who said that?" she demanded.

    Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.


      A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
      detectives. To test their skills in recognising a suspect, he shows
      the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is
      your suspect, how would you recognise him?"

      The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because
      the only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because
      the picture shows his profile."

      Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the
      picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your
      suspect, how would you recognise him?"

      The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be
      too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

      The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two??
      Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture
      of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

      Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the
      third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how
      would you recognise him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving
      me a
      stupid answer."

      The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,
      "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

      The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't
      know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an
      interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
      and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his
      office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a
      beaming smile on his face.

      "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in
      fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an
      astute observation?"

      "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses
      because he only has one eye and one ear."


        An Irish bloke goes to the doctor "Dactor, it's me
        ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

        So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and
        takes a look. "Incredible". he says, "there is a
        £20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases the
        twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note
        appears. "This is amazing" exclaims the Doctor "What
        do you want me to do?.

        "Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the

        The doctor pulls out the tenner and another
        twenty appears, and another and another etc...

        Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.

        "Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is
        dare den?.

        The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1990 exactly."

        "Ah, dat'd be roit. I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."


          The out-of-province couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny
          hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town
          folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

          "That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some wood for
          the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite
          and finds his wife in tears.

          One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom is
          blue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

          "Some of those lumberjacks from town came over and told me they don't
          allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!"

          "Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He rides into
          town and finds the lumberjackss in a bar. "Who is the jerk who painted my
          wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

          A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a double edged axe in his hands.
          "I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

          The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the first coat of
          paint is dry."


            A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about
            a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

            The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog,
            he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

            One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We
            all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that
            whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

            Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a
            contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute
            sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie,"
            and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

            There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was
            beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a
            deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."


              ...lots to groan over here...

              How do crazy people go through the forrest?
              They take the psycho path.

              What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

              What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
              A stick.

              What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
              Nacho Cheese.

              What do you call Santa's helpers?
              Subordinate Clauses.

              What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
              Quatro sinko.

              What do you get from a pampered cow?
              Spoiled milk.

              What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

              What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
              A nervous wreck.

              What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
              Anyone can roast beef.

              Where do you find a dog with no legs?
              Right where you left him.

              Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
              Because they have big fingers.

              What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
              The location of the dirt bag.

              Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
              Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.

              What do you call a man with a car on his head?

              What do you call skydiving lawyers?

              What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop clop clop?
              An Amish drive-by shooting"

              How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce the same?
              Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.


                Tributes have been pouring in over the death of Stanley Matthews

                Kevin Keegan said he was 'a legend'

                George Best described his talent as 'sublime'

                David Beckham said' I loved his turkey drummers. They're bootiful'


                  > The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol
                  > bottles, such as:
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
                  > whispering when you are not.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing
                  > like a jerk.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the
                  > same boring story over and over again until your friends want
                  > to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
                  > ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in
                  > the morning.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what
                  > the hell happened to your pants.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in
                  > the morning and see something really scary (whose species and
                  > or name you can't remember).
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
                  > inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
                  > you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
                  > really big guy named Chuck.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you
                  > are invisible.
                  > WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people
                  > are laughing WITH you.
                  > WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the
                  > time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps
                  > of time may seem to literally disappear.


                    A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam
                    in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
                    The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a

                    The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the
                    whole bread?"

                    The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
                    breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

                    The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only
                    eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle
                    them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The
                    American had a smirk on his face.

                    The Canadian listened in silence.

                    The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

                    Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

                    Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In
                    the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the
                    peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
                    them into jam and sell it to Canada."

                    The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

                    The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

                    The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with
                    the condoms once you've used them?"

                    "We throw them away, of course."

                    Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put
                    them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum
                    and sell them to the United States."


                      If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
                      produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
                      (Hardly seems worth it)

                      If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
                      produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
                      (Now that's more like it)

                      A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes (In my next life I want to be
                      a pig)

                      Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
                      (Still not over that pig thing)

                      Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
                      pleasure. (Is that why Flipper is always smiling)

                      Only humans and horses have hymens.

                      The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

                      Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
                      left-handed people.
                      (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

                      The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's
                      own weight and it always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.
                      (From drinking little bottles of ....?)

                      Polar bears are left handed.
                      (Who knew..who cares?)

                      The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
                      rank No 1 for the animal having the most taste buds.
                      (What can be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

                      The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
                      (It's like a human jumping the length of a football field)

                      A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
                      starves to death. (Creepy).

                      The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
                      attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
                      the males head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....)

                      Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
                      (In my next life I still want to be a pig....quality over

                      Butterflies taste with their feet.
                      (Oh, geez)

                      An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
                      (I know some people like this)

                      Starfish don't have brains.
                      (I know some people like this too).

                      After reading all these, all I can say is....LUCKY PIGS