• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
    formal, impeccably planned state visit to England. At Heathrow, a
    300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush
    strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

    They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central
    London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six
    magnificent white matching horses. As they ride toward Buckingham
    Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering
    Britons lining the streets, all is going well. But suddenly the right
    rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending,
    eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British
    Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes
    the coach.

    Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their
    best to ignore the whole incident but then the Queen decides that's
    ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please
    accept my regrets....I'm sure you understand that there are some things
    that even a Queen cannot control".

    George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "You Majesty, please don't
    give the matter another thought......you know, if you hadn't said
    something I would have thought it was one of the horses."


      A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
      report her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

      She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy
      hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is
      good to the children."

      The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches,
      chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

      The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants HIM back?"


        I woke early one morning,
        The earth lay cool and still
        When suddenly a tiny bird
        Perched on my window sill,
        He sang a song so lovely
        So carefree and so gay,
        That slowly all my troubles
        Began to slip away.
        He sang of far off places
        Of laughter and of fun,
        It seemed his very trilling,
        brought up the morning sun.
        I stirred beneath the covers
        Crept slowly out of bed,
        Then gently shut the window
        And crushed his flucking head.
        I'm not a morning person


          A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As
          he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his
          stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After
          a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm
          sorry, but your dog is dead."

          "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done
          any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

          With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments,
          he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went
          right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After
          a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook
          his head and said, "Bark". The veterinarian then took the
          Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who
          also checked out the poor dog on the table.

          The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped
          off the table and ran out of the room.

          The veterinarian handed the man a bill for £600. The dog's
          owner went postal. "£600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This
          is Outrageous!"

          The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken
          my word for it, it would have been £50, but with all the Lab
          work and then a cat scan..."


            A Memo from Finance Dept.
            It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning
            in time sheets that specify large amounts of 'Miscellaneous Unproductive
            Time'(code #5000).

            To FD, unproductive time is not a problem. What is a problem, however, is
            not knowing exactly what you are doing with your unproductive time. The
            newly installed Activity Based Costing Financial System requires
            additional information to achieve its goals.

            Attached below is a sheet specifying an Extended Task Code List based on
            observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify
            with greater precision what you are doing during your unproductive time.
            Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about
            any difficulties you may encounter.

            Extended Task Code List

            Code Description

            5001 Surfing the net - non business related
            5002 Surfing the net - business related
            5010 Reading/writing social email
            5013 Sharing social e-mail (see codes #5005, #5004)
            5014 Collecting jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
            5015 Forwarding jokes and other humorous material via e-mail
            5016 Faxing jokes and other humorous material to friends not on e-mail
            5200 Photocopying private material
            5201 Photocopying pornographic material
            5202 Photocopying body parts
            5316 Meeting to chat
            5317 Obstructing communications at meetings
            5318 Attempting to sound knowledgeable while in meetings
            5319 General diversionary activities to maintain consciousness in
            5320 Waiting (unspecified)
            5321 Waiting for break
            5322 Waiting for lunch
            5323 Waiting for end of day
            5324 Waiting for end of week
            5325 Waiting for end of month
            5326 Waiting for boss to leave
            5327 Waiting for something to happen
            5328 Waiting for helpdesk to answer
            5329 Waiting for Unix Admins to do something

            5330 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker
            5331 Vicious verbal attacks directed at co-worker (co-worker not
            5390 Covering for incompetence of co-worker
            5391 Explaining to co-worker how he/she should cover for you
            5400 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is not interested in learning
            5401 Explaining concepts to co-worker who is stupid
            5402 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you
            5403 Explaining concepts to co-worker who hates you because you wouldn't
            sleep with them
            5481 Buying snacks
            5482 Eating snacks
            5483 Going to kitchen to make tea / coffee.
            5484 Mopping up spilt tea/coffee from desk
            5500 Filling out time sheets
            5501 Inventing time sheet entries
            5503 Scratching
            5504 Sleeping
            5505 Wandering aimlessly along corridors in the hope of finding someone
            to talk to
            5510 Feeling bored
            5600 Bitching about lousy job (see code #5610)
            5601 Bitching about low pay (see code #5610)
            5602 Bitching about long hours (see code #5610)
            5603 Bitching about co-worker (see codes #5322, #5323)
            5604 Bitching about boss (see code #5610)
            5605 Bitching about personal problems
            5610 Searching for a new job
            5640 Miscellaneous unproductive bitching
            5701 Not actually present at job
            5703 Working from home
            5704 Suffering from eight-hour flu
            6102 Ordering carry-out
            6103 Waiting for food delivery to arrive
            6104 Taking it easy while digesting food
            6200 Using office resources for personal profit
            6201 Stealing office goods
            6202 Making excuses after accidentally destroying office goods
            6203 Using office phone to make long-distance personal calls
            6206 Gossiping
            6207 Shuffling uncomfortably when gossip subject enters office
            6208 Planning social events
            6209 Recovering from social events
            6210 Feeling sorry for self
            6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching
            6222 Pretending to enjoy job
            6223 Pretending to like co-workers
            6224 Pretending to like important people
            6225 General sucking-up
            6238 Miscellaneous unproductive fantasising
            6601 Running own business on company time (see code #6604)
            6602 Complaining
            6603 Complaining that you're too busy to worry about redundancy
            6604 Writing a book in company time
            6605 Planning a holiday on company time
            6611 Staring into space (see code #6616)
            6612 Staring at computer screen (blank)
            6613 Staring at screen saver
            6614 Editing settings on screen saver
            6615 Videoconferencing
            6616 Transcendental meditation
            6700 Walking round site (internal) with piece of paper
            6701 Walking round site (external) with clip-board
            6702 Looking important (general)
            7400 Talking with divorce lawyer on phone
            7401 Talking with plumber on phone
            7402 Talking with garage on phone
            7403 Talking with doctor on phone
            7404 Talking with masseuse on phone
            7405 Talking with house painter on phone
            7406 Talking with personal therapist on phone
            7407 Comparing company cars
            7419 Talking with miscellaneous paid professional on phone
            7425 Talking with mistress/toy boy on phone (also see code #7400)
            7435 Placing bets on phone
            7931 Asking co-worker for aid in illicit activities
            8000 Recreational drug use
            8001 Non-recreational drug use
            8003 General desperation
            9000 Putting things in boxes for a desk move
            9001 Taking things out of boxes after a desk move
            9002 Searching for things lost during a desk move.
            9003 Stealing things to replace things lost during a desk move


              Diary of a blonde...sad...very very sad!

              Dear Diary,


              Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
              for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs
              separately." The neighbours were nice enough to loan me some extra


              Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve without
              So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for


              A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly before steaming the
              It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the
              rice any.


              Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, "Prepare
              ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving."
              Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the


              I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put all ingredients in
              bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
              When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


              Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
              dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.


              Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find
              was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in
              the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much
              to my disappointment.

              Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager
              for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could
              just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate


                Fred and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier
                miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all sorts of

                Fred asked if Mars had a stock market if they had laptop computers and
                how they made money. Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just
                how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen. The male Martian responded "Pretty
                much the way you do."

                A discussion ensued and finally the couples decided to
                swap partners for the night (for the sake of science, of course). Maureen
                and the male Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian stripped.
                Maureen was disappointed to find that he had a teeny weenie member about half
                inch long and just quarter inch thick.

                "I don't think this is going to work,"said Maureen.
                "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?"
                "Well," she replied, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
                "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With
                each slap his member grew until it was impressively long.
                "Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."
                "No problem," he said and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member
                grew wider and wider.

                "Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
                The next day the couples joined their normal partners and went their
                separate ways. As they walked along Fred asked, "Well was it any good?" "I
                hate to say it," said Maureen "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
                "It was
                horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my
                forehead and pulling my ears.


                  A man is driving down the road. A woman is driving down the same road from
                  the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
                  window and yells "PIG!!"
                  The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!"
                  They each continue on their way; and, as the man rounds the next curve, he
                  crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
                  If only men would listen.


                    A man goes to the doctor.

                    Receptionist: "Can we help?"
                    Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
                    Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
                    Man: "I've got somefink wrong wiv me pr1ck."
                    Receptionist blushes and asks him to wait.

                    After the doctor has examined the man, he says "By the way, when my
                    receptionist asks what your problem is, please don't embarrass her
                    like that, she is only trying to find out if you need an examination
                    or just a repeat prescription. Next time, tell her, er ... oh, say
                    there is something wrong with your elbow."

                    Some time later the problem recurs and the man returns to the
                    surgery, where there is a different receptionist.

                    Receptionist: "Can we help?"
                    Man: "I wanna see the doctor".
                    Receptionist: "What is the problem?"
                    Man (remembering the doctor's advice): "I've got somefink wrong wiv
                    me elbow."
                    Receptionist: "What is the matter with it?"
                    Man: "I can't p1ss out of it."


                      Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They
                      came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go
                      into the castle.

                      Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful
                      women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what
                      man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves
                      having sex many times a day with the many beautiful

                      After a week, the king of the castle and his army of
                      men came back. As he walked into his castle he found
                      the three men with his women. Upset the king ordered
                      his army to capture the three men and line them up
                      against the wall. Then the king said that each of them
                      would be severely punished according to their

                      The king goes up the first man and demands to know his occupation.

                      The first man replies..."Fireman."

                      The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis."

                      Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation.

                      Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer."

                      The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis."

                      Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

                      With a huge smile on his face the man replied,
                      "Lollipop salesman."