• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Three men are sitting in the maternity ward of a
    hospital waiting for the imminent birth of their
    respective children.

    One is an Englishman, one a Welshman and the other
    a Jamaican. They are all very nervous and pacing
    the floor.

    All of a sudden the doctor bursts through the double
    doors saying "Gentlemen you won't believe this but
    your wives have all had their babies within 5 minutes
    of each other."

    The men are beside themselves with happiness and joy.
    "And", said the doctor, "They have all had little

    The fathers are ecstatic and congratulate each other
    over and over. "However we do have one slight problem,
    " the doctor said. "In all the confusion we may have
    mixed the babies up getting them to the nursery and
    would be grateful if you could join us there to try
    and help identify them."

    With that the Englishman raced past the doctor and
    bolted to the nursery.Once inside he picked up a
    dark skinned infant saying, "There's no doubt about
    it, this boy is mine!"

    The doctor looked bewildered and said, "Well sir
    of all the babies I would have thought that maybe
    this child could be of Jamaican descent."

    "True", said the Englishman, "but one of the
    other two is Welsh and I'm not taking the risk."


      This chain letter was developed by virile men in order to make
      their sex life even more fantastic.

      As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
      and you can only win.

      Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your best friends who are
      just as virile as you. Then anaesthetise your wife/girlfriend,
      put her in a large carton (don't forget some ventilation
      holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your
      list. Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you
      will receive 823,542 women through the post.

      Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

      0.5 miss worlds
      2.5 models
      463 wild nymphos
      3,234 good-looking nymphos
      20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
      40,198 bi-sexual women

      In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
      inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off.
      And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
      be one of those that come back to you.


      One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead
      of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the
      old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old
      migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.
      On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
      with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live
      with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain

      While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place
      above me has already received 837 women and is lying in
      hospital suffering from exhaustion. Outside his ward are 452
      more packages.


      This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
      sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
      about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
      can screw her. No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
      unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not
      hesitate: send this letter today to at least 9 of your friends.

      PS. This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
      they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
      may soon undertake.


        1. 'E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
        used only for company business.'
        (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

        2. 'As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
        using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
        employees will receive their cards in two weeks.'
        (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

        3. 'What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will
        (Lykes Lines Shipping)

        4. 'This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
        important interfere with it.'
        (Advertising/Marketing Manager, United Parcel Service)

        5. 'Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.'

        6. 'No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been
        working on it for months. Now, go act busy for few weeks and I'll let
        know when it's time to tell them.'
        (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)


          Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
          eaten by his fellow partygoers.

          Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

          It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
          a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
          b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
          c. After wrecking your boss' car.
          d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
          e. When your Date is using her teeth

          Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
          of jail within 12 hours.

          If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
          forever, unless you actually marry her.

          The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running
          late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have
          to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic
          1-10 scale.

          Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
          Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

          No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man
          (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

          On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the

          While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30
          minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her
          gal pals' significant d*ck-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the
          law requires
          (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short
          straw on that one).

          When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may
          always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
          who's playing.

          You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
          to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
          flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

          It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
          on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and
          it's free.

          Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

          Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

          If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

          Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
          until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
          as much beer as the other sports watchers.

          You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
          girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
          it into a ceiling fan.

          A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
          sober enough to fight.

          Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
          but not both. That's just plain mean.

          If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
          his choice of beer.

          Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except
          if she's withholding sex pending your response.

          Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
          a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
          b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
          c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
          d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?

          Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
          urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
          almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

          Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
          able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if

          The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
          carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
          is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
          mistake it was.


            On having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last
            having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.

            Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green,
            festering sore growing on his penis.

            He went to the doctor, Doctor Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient
            and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the
            cure was complete amputation.

            Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.

            Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.

            Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must
            right away.'

            Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an
            doctor. They must deal with this all the time.

            He went to Doctor Chu Wong.

            Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said,
            Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not

            Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall
            off on
            its own.'


              A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect,they end up
              leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
              apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy
              bears. Hundreds of teddy bears all set up neatly around the room - small
              bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a
              little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is
              kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,
              especially one that's so extensive, but she thinks it's kind of cute and
              decides not to mention this to him.

              She turns to him, they kiss and then immediately have their way with each
              other. After an intense amount of passion, they are lying there together in
              the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well,so how was

              The bloke says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."


                A baby was born so advanced in development he could talk.

                He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my
                doctor?" he asked.

                "Why, yes, I am," said the doctor.

                The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the

                He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

                "Yes, dear, I am," said the mother beaming.

                "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he

                He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

                "Yes, I am," his father proudly answered.

                The baby motioned him closer, then poked him on the forehead with his
                index finger. "Hurts, doesn't it!"


                  Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.

                  'David,' he says, 'I'm worried about your performance the last
                  few games. You've been hopeless, completely off form.'

                  'Sorry, boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've
                  got a few problems at home.'

                  'Oh dear,' says Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh
                  and Brooklyn okay?'

                  'Oh they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's
                  really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't
                  concentrate on my football and it's really messing me up.'

                  'Whatever's the matter, David?' says Fergie.

                  'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. You see I'm
                  really stuck on this jigsaw and...'

                  'A jigsaw?!!!' shouts Alex. 'You're fu**ing up every time you
                  play because of a bloody jigsaw?!!!'

                  'Yeah, boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my head
                  in!' says David in that horrible whining voice. It's really hard
                  and it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really good on the
                  box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everything but I just
                  can't get it right and it's doing my head in and I even had my
                  hair cut to try and cool my brain down and...'

                  'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You've got to get a grip.
                  It's affecting our games and nothing is as important as
                  Manchester United's success, other than Roy Keane's wages,

                  'Yeah, boss,' says David, 'but it's this picture of a tiger and
                  it looks really good on the box and I really want to finish it
                  but it's really hard and it's doing my head in and it's this
                  picture.. and it's a tiger and it's hard.... and I can't make
                  the bits fit and, er, it's really hard, er, boss and, er, it's
                  a tiger, er,... on the box...er...boss.'

                  Ferguson waits until even Beckham realises he's repeating
                  himself and has got nothing else to say - which took a bit
                  longer than usual.

                  'David,' he says, with that conceited, irritating, smug smile
                  he uses for self-congratulatory post-match interviews. 'Bring
                  the tiger jigsaw in and let's have a look at it. For Christ's
                  sake, we've got to get you back to playing football.'

                  'Oh thanks, boss,' says David, 'that'd be really helpful 'cos
                  it's really hard and it's a picture of a tiger and it's doing
                  my head in, that tiger is.'

                  So David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.

                  'Here it is, boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the
                  box. 'Look, boss, it's this tiger, right, and it's a really good
                  picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really
                  hard and it's doing my head in and it's this picture here of a
                  tiger,' and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all over
                  Ferguson's desk. Ferguson looks at what's on his desk and the
                  faint dusty cloud now hanging over it. He looks up and says.....

                  'David, put the Frosties back in the box and **** off.'


                    'David, put the Frosties back in the box and **** off.
                    Mods !

                    This thread is for jokes, not true stories !
                    Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.

                    C.S. Lewis


                      Two scousers are riding along the East Lancs Road on a motorbike. They
                      break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if
                      he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift.

                      He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling
                      balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he
                      knows but is unable to repair it.

                      Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
                      scousers he has to leave. "Hey, c'mon our kid," they say, "gissa lift...".
                      The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
                      20,000 bowling balls.

                      The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the
                      back, will he take them? The driver agrees. They finally manage to squeeze
                      themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon, so the driver
                      shuts the doors and gets off on his way.

                      By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC
                      Plod pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is
                      carrying to which he replies "Scouse Eggs".

                      The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He
                      opens the back door and quickly slams it shut and locks it. He gets onto
                      his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

                      The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
                      "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - two have already hatched
                      and the b*stards have managed to nick a motorbike already".