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    Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply
    and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship
    until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

    "We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

    "Why?" gasped Declan.

    "Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, are a
    mere crab, and a poor one at that, and crabs are the lowest class of
    crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only
    walk sideways."

    Declan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and
    to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

    That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far
    and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to
    join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

    Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters
    all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose
    from his throne.

    Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and
    all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw
    after another!

    Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally
    looked King lobster in the eye.

    There was a deadly hush.............................

    Finally, the crab spoke...

    "Fluck, I'm p**sed."


      Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed
      that his room is not yet ready.

      "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We
      are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you
      will have to share the room with others", he is told
      by the doorman.

      Einstein says that this is no problem at all and
      that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So
      the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert
      is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.

      "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

      "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss

      "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

      "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss

      "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

      "That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays
      at the theater!"

      Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's
      hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm
      sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

      Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do
      you think interest rates are headed?"


        Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his
        wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to
        live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with
        him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
        Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey,
        now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make
        love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love.
        Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had
        only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder
        and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
        She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
        Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he
        tossed and turned until he was down to only four more
        hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
        "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
        His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen
        Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't".


          A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when
          he stumbles upon
          a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and

          "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me
          running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much
          better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint,
          tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

          Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit
          again says,

          "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
          health. Come running with us through the pretty forest,
          you'll see, you'll feel So good!"

          The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and
          all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit
          and giraffe.

          The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up
          and the rabbit again says,

          "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your
          health! ... Come running with us through the sunny forest,
          you will feel so good!"

          The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to
          beat the sh!t out of the rabbit.

          As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at
          him and ask,

          "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to
          help us all!"

          The lion answers, "That little f^cker! He makes me run
          around the forest like an idiot every time he does a pill!"


            Bob Hope was on 'Surprise Surprise', and bragged that despite his 97 years
            of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
            After the show, Cilla said, "Bob, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love
            to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
            So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Bob says, "If
            you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have
            even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left
            hand and my penis in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but
            says, "Okay."
            He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex.
            Then Bob says, "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an
            hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your
            left hand, and my penis in your right hand." Cilla is now used to the
            routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.

            Once its all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Cilla asks "Bob, tell me,
            does my holding your testicles in my left hand and your penis in my right
            stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
            Bob replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a Scouser, she stole my


              >>Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
              >>One was a architect, the second man was an accountant, the third
              >>man was a chemist, the fourth was an IT contractor.
              >>To show off, the architect called to his dog. "T-square, do your
              >>T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and
              >>promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
              >>Everyone agreed that was pretty smart, just like his owner.
              >>But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to
              >>his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff!"
              >>Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
              >>He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.
              >>Everyone agreed that was good, just like his owner.
              >>But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his
              >>dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!"
              >>Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of
              >>milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard
              >>and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.
              >>Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive, just like his owner.
              >>Then the three men turned to the IT Contractor. and said, "What
              >>can your dog do?"
              >>The IT Contractor called to his dog and said, "Chargeable, do your
              >>Chargeable jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
              >>on the floor, ****ed the other three dogs, and wrote out an invoice


                A Day Out In Wales
                4 bus loads of English go to South Wales for the day. They have a lovely
                day and visit many parts of the principality. They start off in the Gower
                and then off to Dan Yr Ogaf for the stalagmites and a nice lunch.

                They have a nice chit-chat about how much they have enjoyed the day and
                then decide to stop off in a typical Welsh club on the way back to the
                bridge and they end up in Merthyr and promptly pile out of the coaches and
                proceed to completely pack out the place.

                They are greeted warmly and decide to have food as well as Allbright.

                The owner is ecstatic by the takings and goes up to the organiser and says
                "Thank u evvvver so much wus, U iz always welcome ere mun."
                "As a way of extending this welcome you are all welcome to join us
                in the weekly game of bingo".

                Everyone cheers and they all buy at least 6 books each. The owner cannot
                believe it and just before the balls are called addresses the locals and
                the guests;

                "May I thank our guests this evening and wish them well on their journey.
                Thanks to their joining us I can announce to everyone that we have record
                prizes this evening"
                "100 pounds a line and 750 pounds a full house"
                " Good luck and enjoy yourselves. Right then here we go, eyes down look in."

                "On its own , Pedwar"


                  'Big Brother' humour...

                  "God!! There are 9 of us in here.....!!! It does not seem to be as many
                  as at the start!!!..." - Helen

                  "I dreamed last night when I was asleep..." - Helen

                  "There's less people in the house than we started with" - Helen

                  "Do I look chubby, I'm worried if I'm nominated as I'll have lots of
                  pictures taken of me. I just won't eat anything on Friday". - Helen

                  "The problem is you're so similar - but in different ways." - Amma

                  "I was nervous and I'm never nervous" - Paul

                  "If there were less people in here it would be less crowded." - Dean

                  "You do have 5 fingers don't you?" - Helen

                  "I think I'm the only Welsh person in here" - Helen

                  On her G.C.S.E's: "God!! How come you lot have got loads and I have only
                  got 2" - Helen

                  "I probably sound Welsh on the telly" - Helen

                  Dean playing "The Look of Love" with Amma singing along, Helen : "Is
                  that one of your songs, Dean?"

                  "I love blinking, I do!" - Helen

                  "It would have to be - like - half a trained dog" - Amma

                  "What is a Liberal Democrat?" - Helen

                  "Is the jelly cooked" - Helen

                  "This is big brother, a meteorite has landed in the garden. You have 2
                  minutes to get dressed..."Helen: "dressed? what as in clothes?"

                  "Yeah, you know Jack Daniels... he does all the magic stuff!" - Helen

                  Bubble was balancing the 3 juggling balls on Brian's head as he was
                  reading a book on the sofa and Helen said: "that's fantastic that is,
                  does he know?"

                  Helen, the first one in the hot tub- (Sun behind clouds, cold outside)
                  "It's just like being in Spain!"

                  "What does insanity MEAN???" - Helen

                  Brian: "What if she's (Helen) got an IQ of 25?" Helen: "Actually, I'm
                  only 23"

                  Stuart: "What's Deans greatest fear?" Bubble: "Going insane" Helen: "No
                  it isn't, its insanity he's scared of"

                  "Those infrared cameras can see under your duvet covers" - Helen

                  "I've heard that when men's willies are erect they are all the same size"
                  - Helen

                  "I don't like telling clients (her hairdressing customers) that I teach
                  dancing because they might think I'm being big headed". - Helen

                  Josh: "I've had 4 wet dreams... I wake up in the morning covered."
                  Helen: "Covered in what?"

                  Dean told the group how fans had stalked members of his band. Helen
                  seemed shocked. "I've never been stalked. It doesn't happen in Wales,"

                  "... They're self-indulged with themselves..." - Helen

                  " I fancy cheese on toast " A while later... "I fancy something to eat
                  but I'm not sure what I fancy " - Helen

                  "What's in kidney beans?" - Helen

                  (when Helen was cutting Paul's hair) Helen: "I don't think any camera is
                  on me right now" Paul: "yeah except for the one right in front of us!"

                  Helen: "Oh yeah" "Jimmy, Isn't that the name of a baby Kangaroo?" -

                  Brian to Helen, "Did you make any mistakes cutting people's hair?" Helen,
                  "When I was training, I cut someone's necklace off".

                  Helen to Dean, "Can you play the Vengaboy's are coming?" Dean, "No".

                  "How much Chicken is there in Chick Peas?" - Helen


                    An Essex girl goes to the council to register
                    for child benefit.

                    "How many children?" asks the council worker

                    "10" replies the Essex girl

                    "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

                    "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,
                    Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

                    "Doesn't that get confusing?"

                    "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing
                    in the street I just have to shout WAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAYNE GO
                    TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

                    "What if you want to speak to one
                    individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

                    "That's easy," says the girl...

                    "I just use their surnames"


                      DAGENHAM - With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic
                      market down 11 percent since 1996, Ford unveiled a new instant-win airbag
                      contest on Monday.

                      The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed
                      impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all
                      of the company's 2001 cars.

                      "Car accidents have never been so exciting," said Ford vice-president of
                      marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2001 sales
                      significantly. "When you play the new Ford Instant Win Airbag Game, your
                      next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to the FA Cup Final in
                      Cardiff, or a year's worth of free Esso Unleaded."

                      Though it does not officially begin until Feb. 1, 2001, the airbag
                      promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback
                      overwhelmingly positive.

                      "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to
                      myself,'Oh, boy, this could be it - I could be a big winner!'" said
                      Cambridge's Bernard Freeman, who lost his wife but won £50 on Sunday when
                      the Escort Si they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed
                      into an oncoming truck. "When the car stopped rolling down the embankment,
                      I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood
                      and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!"

                      "It's really addictive," said Plymouth resident Peter Noods, speaking from
                      his hospital bed, where he is listed in critical condition with severe
                      brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. "I've already crashed
                      four cars trying to win those Cup Final tickets, but I still haven't won.
                      I swear, I'm going to win those tickets-even if it kills me!"

                      Noods said that as soon as he is well enough, he plans to buy a new Mondeo
                      LX and drive it into a tree.

                      Ford officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well
                      received. "In the past, nobody really liked car crashes, and
                      that's understandable. After all, they're scary and dangerous and,
                      sometimes, even fatal," Ford CEO Paul Offerman said. "But now, when you
                      drive a new Ford car or Iveco truck, your next serious crash could mean
                      serious cash. Who wouldn't like that?"

                      Offerman added that in the event a motorist wins a prize but is
                      killed, that prize will be awarded to the next of kin.

                      According to Ford's official contest rules, odds of winning the
                      grand prize, a brand new 2001 Ford Focus Cosworth, are 1 in 43,000,000.

                      Statistical experts, however, say the real chances of winning are
                      significantly worse. "If you factor in the odds of getting in a serious
                      car accident in the first place-approximately 1 in 720,000 - the actual
                      odds of winning a prize each time you step in your car are more like 1 in
                      31 trillion."

                      Further, even if one is in an accident, there is no guarantee
                      the airbag will inflate. "I was recently broadsided by a drunk driver in
                      my new Galaxy," said Cardiff resident Dick Yaknasty. "My car was
                      totalled, and because it was the side of my car that got
                      hit, my airbag didn't even inflate. But what really gets me is
                      the fact that the drunk driver, who rammed my side with the front of his
                      2001 Mondeo, won a £100 gift certificate. That's just wrong."