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Please put more jokes here

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    16 year old Stephen , a pupil at one of England's leading fee paying
    schools, returned from school for his Christmas holidays in what
    appeared to be some measure of discomfort. When quizzed by his mother,
    he said that he had received a "low blow" during a game of rugby and was
    sure that the passage of time would heal all ills.

    Unfortunately this proved not to be the case and on his third day home
    he was unable to walk. His mother insisted he visit the family doctor, a
    demand to which the incapacitated Stephen succumbed.

    On arrival at the surgery Stephen carefully removed his underwear to
    reveal that his scrotum was swollen to nearly four times it's natural
    size and was bruised almost entirely black with a number of small
    puncture wounds to the right hand side showing clear signs of
    established infection.

    The doctor, realising that he was not personally equipped as a GP to
    properly treat such a "sporting" injury immediately called an
    ambulance to take his patient to hospital. Stephen was rushed into
    hospital where he immediately underwent surgery to properly investigate
    and remedy the injury.

    The infection was advanced and Stephen ended up having his right
    testicle removed as the infection appeared to have spread into the
    gland. To his surprise, the surgeon removed what were later identified
    as "a large number of brown glass splinters" from the boy's scrotum and
    the highly infected (and now ex) testicle. It was the surgeon's opinion
    that these had been "introduced" to Stephen's nether regions at the time
    of the injury.

    Realising that this was not as it had first appeared, Stephen's
    mother asked what kind of assault he had been a victim of with the
    intention oftaking serious issue with his not inexpensive school as to
    how such an accident could occur. In an effort not to make a fuss
    Stephen admitted to the following episode.

    At an unofficial end of term Christmas party after lights out,
    Stephen had drunkenly accepted a bet with the boys in his dorm that he
    could not fit both his testicles into a medium sized Marmite jar. With
    drunken confidence, and in order to win a large sum of money from his
    fellow students, Stephen did indeed manage to perform the trick.

    However, such is the shape of a Marmite pot that Stephen was not able
    to remove the pot after winning his money. Much to the enjoyment of the
    rest of the party-goers he crept off to the bathroom to try to remove
    the pot. Having been unable to remove the pot for two days and in
    extreme discomfort, Stephen took drastic measures and went to the empty
    rest room and with a hammer smashed the pot.

    Yes that's right, he smashed a glass pot from around his testicles
    with a hammer! Unsurprisingly, this was not a clinical operation and
    also where the damage was really done.

    As they say... Marmite, you either love it or you hate it!


      One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days
      he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything
      during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted
      a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it.

      Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that
      moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. In court,
      he plead innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he
      didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The
      judge ruled in his favor.

      In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you
      to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald
      eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?"

      The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping
      crane and a spotted owl!"


        Wow! This is amazing
        Try this. It's really quite amazing. Try not to cheat by looking at the
        Stare at the following and see if you can find the hidden image...

        You'll be quite amazed when it comes into view. (start as close to the
        screen as you can and then move back about 30 cm)

        !!!///////****\|||||{{{{{######****>>>>>>""""""x"x"&&&^^^<<< """"~??~~??{{{{{
        }{}{}{}{}{}{}{}%%%%~~~~~@!!!~~==?????&&??===~!~!~! ~!=====++(*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^
        *)??????????%%%%*<<{{{{{{===**++++*****+++++++++++ +++?????????????//////////
        ///% >

        Remember what you saw and scroll down to the bottom for the answer.
        If you had trouble and didn't see it, try getting closer to the screen and
        relax your eyes.

        Scroll down to compare the answer to what you saw.


        NOTHING, you stupid twat, get back to work. I can't believe you fell for
        that one. I hope someone walked by and witnessed you with your nose against
        the monitor!


          Clones are people two

          As I said before, I never repeat myself

          Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce

          Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

          Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding

          Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

          Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

          I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

          Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder

          Don't hit a man with glasses.....Use your fist

          I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

          Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after

          I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

          I intend to live forever - so far, so good

          If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

          Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

          Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

          Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

          The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

          When everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane

          Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

          Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you

          If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

          24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

          If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

          Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

          Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire

          When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

          Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film

          Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

          If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

          Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

          What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

          Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

          I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone

          I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

          I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

          Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

          Reread carefully to make sure you don't out a word

          How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

          Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them

          Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

          Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

          Support your right to bare arms! Wear short sleeves!

          For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

          So what's the speed of dark?

          Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

          Black holes are where God divided by zero.

          All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

          Excuses are like asses everyone's got 'em and they all stink.

          I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck up my nose.


            2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume
            counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and
            smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's
            it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?"
            At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is
            French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm
            to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does
            that smell like come to you?"


              DIY - Tool Definitions, sadly all true


              Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
              kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we
              are trying to hit.

              Mechanics knife

              Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons; works
              particularly well on boxes containing newly trimmed seats and other
              expensive soft furnishings.

              Electric drill

              Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
              age, but works better when drilling holes in floor pans, particularly
              above fuel tanks.


              One of a family of tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
              human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
              to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.


              Used to round off bolt heads and when nothing else is available, excellent
              for transferring intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

              Oxyacetylene Torch

              Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in the
              garage or vehicle no matter how much care you took to remove everything

              Drill press

              A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of
              your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across
              the garage, splattering it all over that freshly painted part.

              Rotary Wire wheel

              Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under the bench at
              the speed of light. Also removes flesh in about the time it takes to
              shout, "Ouc...."

              Bolt & Stud extractor

              A tool that snaps off in engine blocks and is ten times harder than any
              known drill bit.

              Body filler spatula

              Theoretically a useful kitchen tool for spreading mayonnaise in sandwiches
              which seems to end up spreading filler, but mainly useful for scraping
              doggy poo off your boots.

              Timing light

              A stroboscopic instrument excellent for illuminating oil and grease build

              Hydraulic Engine hoist

              A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps, wiring and
              throttle linkages.

              12" Long Screwdriver

              A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined
              screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

              Battery Electrolyte Tester

              A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery across the
              bodywork into the toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
              doornail, just as you thought.

              Inspection Light

              The mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of Vitamin D, the
              sunshine vitamin not otherwise found when working under Jaguars. Its main
              purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate as 105mm
              howitzer shells in the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
              its name is somewhat misleading.

              Phillips Screwdriver

              Normally used to stab lids of old oil cans and splash oil all over your
              shirt, but also to round off Phillips screw heads.


                A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
                hurts wherever she touches it.
                "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
                She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
                She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
                Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
                The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?
                She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
                I thought so," he says.
                "Your finger is broken."


                  Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

                  Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

                  The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

                  After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

                  As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting "Hi Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

                  "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

                  The airport became very quiet, everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.


                    An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"


                    A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


                      A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

                      Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

                      The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"


                      A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

                      One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


                      A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment the boy replied, "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"