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Please put more jokes here

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    Recent barbie additions:

    CHERIE BLAIR BARBIE - mouth is printed on upside down and Mattel
    have added a pair of Action Man grasping hands which work whenever
    money is anywhere near!

    FFION HAGUE BARBIE - comes with useless balding twat Ken doll (for
    limited period only)

    ANN WIDDICOMBE BARBIE - 3 times the amount of plastic used!

    QUEEN MUM BARBIE - comes complete with Zimmerframe, Gin bottle and
    is completely indestructible

    PRINCESS MARGARET BARBIE - with wheelchair, gin bottle and likey to
    be available for a very limited period

    MARGARET THATCHER BARBIE - becomes fashionable to get it out the
    toy cupboard every 4 years or so

    PRINCESS DIANA BARBIE - Never goes out of fashion, comes flatpacked.

    FERGIE BARBIE - comes with a wide range of interchangeable bald twat Ken
    dolls.

    SOPHIE WESSEX BARBIE - comes complete with foot pre-inserted in mouth

    DIVORCED BARBIE (comes with all of Ken's accessories)
    TEENAGE SINGLE PARENT BARBIE ("social cheque" from Mattel mailed each
    month)
    ESSEX BARBIE (with cheap makeup, short skirt, heel chain and high heels)
    LESBIAN BARBIE (Barbie with a butch)
    LIPSTICK LESBIAN BARBIE (actually no different in appearance from regular
    Barbie)
    BULIMOREXIA BARBIE (also no different in appearance from regular Barbie)
    BRUNETTE BARBIE (the only Barbie with a brain, glasses optional)
    QUANTUM PHYSICIST BARBIE (yeah, right)
    BOW-WOW BARBIE (the ugliest Barbie you've ever seen)
    PUNK BARBIE (has rings in all sorts of strange places)
    NAVY PILOT BARBIE (comes with a body bag, wrecked fighter jet sold separately)
    STREET PORTER BARBIE press a button and she talks
    ZOE BALL BARBIE press a button and she talks
    WOMBLE BARBIE this model is now discontinued
    CANCER PATIENT BARBIE (remove the wig and Barbie's bald)
    REFUGEE BARBIE can be squeezed down to less than an inch in size
    FEMINIST BARBIE (has unshaved legs and armpits)
    BATTERED WIFE BARBIE (comes with a restraining order to serve to Ken)
    BARBIE BOBBIT (with knife, Ken had better watch out)
    MONICA BARBIE Out of stock, can't sell them fast enough.
    LADY PENELOPE BARBIE comes with hooks to attach strings
    BAG LADY BARBIE (Complete with supermarket trolley; wearing everything she
    owns.)

    Comment


      TRAINING COURSES

      New courses are now available under Employment Training, designed to
      heighten awareness of the need for Human Resources Development in a
      variety of skills appropriate to the challenges likely to be faced in
      the 21St Century.

      SELF IMPROVEMENT COURSES

      S110 Creative Suffering

      S111 Overcoming Peace of Mind

      S112 Ego Gratification through Violence

      S113 Whine your way to Alienation

      S114 Guilt without Sex

      S115 Feigning knowledge - A Career advancement strategy

      S116 Keeping facts out of your management structure

      S117 Carrying a piece of paper whilst walking briskly

      S118 Effective Stupidity

      S119 Discovering Clockwatching

      S120 How to appear interested

      S121 The Art of Problem Making

      BUSINESS AND CAREER COURSES

      BC10 Money can make you rich!

      BC11 Packaging, Marketing and selling your child

      BC12 How to profit from your own body

      BC13 The under achievers guide to very small business opportunities

      BC14 Tattooing your colleagues as a supplement to your income

      BC15 Credit card purchases with your Kidney donor card

      BC16 Stressed for Success

      BC17 Indecision - Which way now?

      FITNESS AND HEALTH

      FH10 The Joys of Hypochondria

      FH11 High Fibre Sex

      FH12 Skate your way to regularity

      FH13 The repair and maintenance of your virginity

      FH14 Optical bodily functions

      FH15 Standing up to Hemorrhoids

      FH16 Preventative self-abuse

      CRAFT COURSES

      CR10 Needlecraft for junkies

      CR11 Drawing genitalia in soft pastel shades (Spring time only)

      CR12 Orchestrated flatulence appreciation

      CR13 Making others panic

      CR14 Enhancing others reputations

      CR15 Introduction to backstabbing

      CR16 Recycling bodily waste

      HOME ECONOMICS COURSES

      HE10 Sinus Drainage in the open plan office

      HE11 Advanced dandruff sculpture

      HE12 Interesting bathroom fungi

      HE13 Identifying toilet smells


      For further details and course dates ask the Bastard in your Department

      Comment


        A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to
        be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They
        all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

        The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her
        nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost
        making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to
        relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but
        everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to
        be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that
        had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern
        voice, "Skippy!"

        The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her
        face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain
        again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and
        longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled,
        "Dammit Skippy!"

        Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later
        the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think
        about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

        Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
        "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she craps all over you!"

        Comment


          A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some
          money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for
          ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
          took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped
          you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
          your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper
          bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide
          on the north side of the playground. Signed, a
          blonde."
          The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
          sent him home to show it to his parents.

          The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough,
          a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
          blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a
          note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow
          blonde?"

          Comment


            Originally posted by wendigo100 View Post
            There are two guys talking.

            The first one says: “You know, the day I met you, I thought you were a c***. And every time we’ve met since I thought you were a c***. And it can’t just be me, because everyone who’s ever met you thinks you are a c***, and probably everyone who will ever meet you will think you’re a c***. In fact, you’ve got to be the second-biggest c*** in the world.”


            The second guy thinks about this for a while.

            “So the day you met me you thought I was a c***?”

            “Yep.”

            “And every day since you’ve thought I was a . . .”

            “Right.”

            “And everyone I’ve ever met thinks I’m a . . .”

            “You got it.”

            “And everyone I will ever meet will think I’m a . . .”

            “Uh-huh.”

            “So how comes,” he says, triumphantly, “I’m only the second biggest c*** in the world?”

            ...



            ...
















            The first guy looks at him with total contempt. “Because you’re a c***,” he says.
            don't get it

            Comment


              scientists testing the claim that beer contains female hormones gave 100 men 8 pints of beer.
              every one of them became emotional, talked excessively without making sense, couldn't drive and refused to apologise when wrong.

              why did dorothy get lost in Oz?
              she had three men giving directions.

              police stopped an elderly lady driving very slowly on the A12.
              she said "but the last sign said 12"
              the passenger was cowering and looked very unwell, "are you ok madam?" asked cop.
              not really she replied "we've just come off the A132"

              Comment


                One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah me old china, I wants you
                to make me a new Ark".

                Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want
                after all you're the boss".

                God then adds - "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a
                couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

                "TWENTY DECKS!", screams Noah, "TWENTY DECKS! ... Well, OK Big Man,
                whatever you say, should I fill it up with animals just like last time?"

                "..... "Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right....... this time I
                want you to fill it up with fish".

                "Fish?" Queries Noah, stunned. "FISH?"

                "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want wall to wall,
                floor to ceiling - CARP!"

                Noah looks to the skies, "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right.
                You want a New Ark?"

                "Check".

                "With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

                "Check".

                "And you want it full of Carp?".

                "Check"

                "But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
                the end of his tether.

                "Dunno" says God.
                "I just fancied a .... Multi-Storey Carp Ark !!!"

                Comment


                  Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
                  John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

                  Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
                  John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

                  The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
                  Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
                  Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
                  Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
                  Both Presidents were shot in the head.

                  Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
                  Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

                  Both were assassinated by Southerners.
                  Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

                  Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
                  Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

                  John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
                  Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

                  Both assassins were known by their three names.
                  Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

                  Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Kennedy.'
                  Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

                  Booth ran from the theatre and was caught in a warehouse.
                  Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

                  Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

                  And here's the kicker .....

                  A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
                  A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

                  Comment


                    There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They
                    lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

                    One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole
                    and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

                    The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said,
                    "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

                    As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of
                    the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the
                    two bigger moles were in the way.

                    Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The
                    only thing I can smell is molasses."

                    Comment


                      For those not familiar with the great game - Sledging - an Aussie term for
                      insults aimed at batsman by the fielding side to unsettle him.


                      1.

                      'G'on avergoyermug'
                      'Rattle your dags chief'
                      'We're not playing for sheep stations mate.' (all said by bowlers to annoying
                      blocking batsmen)

                      2. 'How's the wife and my kids?' (wicketkeeper to new batsman). Alternatively,
                      'Your missus is a dud root mate.'

                      3. 'Oi blue, you've got tulip on the end of your bat' (batsman looks at bottom of
                      his bat) 'No, mate, the other end, *****.'

                      4. 'Better ease off a bit mate, this one's still on the tit.'
                      (captain to fast bowler as green-looking batsman takes guard)

                      5. 'There's two pieces of tulip together.' (bowler,loudly, as the two batsman
                      meet for mid-wicket conference)

                      6. 'Back to the nets, idiot.' (Ian Healy to any young batsman out quickly)

                      7. 'What's the difference between a Pom and a bucket of tulip? The bucket,
                      dickhead.' (bowler to any English batsman)

                      8. Right mate, we've got him four floors up, now take him to the sixth.'
                      (bouncer threat)

                      9. 'Skip, let's put a chocolate éclair down, see if he comes out for that.'
                      (spin bowler trying to lure stolid, fat batsman out of his crease)

                      10. 'Arsewipe.'

                      11. 'I'll put a bell in it then maybe you'll hit it, *****'
                      'Looks like your gonna get a few years use out of that plank' (both used by
                      exasperated bowler to batsman who continually plays and misses)


                      Occasionally it backfires:

                      12. 'It's four years since I last saw you, and you still haven't improved.'
                      (Merv Hughes to Robin Smith, after a couple of iffy strokes)
                      'Neither have you.' (Smith to Hughes after he'd just twatted him for four)

                      13. 'I've been waiting for two years to have another bowl at you' (Shane Warne
                      to the spin-vulnerable South African Daryll Cullinan.)
                      'Looks like you spent most of them eating.' (Cullinan's reply)

                      And the best yet - any Aussie to any Pom:
                      'What d'you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a Pommie's dick?'
                      'A cricketer'

                      Comment

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