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    A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
    "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really
    doesn't bother me too much.

    They never smell and are always silent. As a matter
    of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been
    here in your office.

    You didn't know I was farting because they don't
    mell and are silent."

    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come
    back to see me next week."

    The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says,
    "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my
    farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

    "Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared
    up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


      When interviewed last night over the death of Rod Hull, Emu was
      said to be speechless.


        > An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return
        > found 4 males in her car.
        > She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
        > proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that
        > she knows how to use it and that she will, if required.....
        > so get out of the car.
        > The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but
        > got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded
        > to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got
        > into the driver's seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit
        > the ignition.
        > Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further
        > down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the
        > police station.
        > The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself
        > in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the
        > counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a
        > car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman......
        > no charges were filed.


          Q. What's the fastest way to a man s heart?
          A. Through his chest with a sharp knife

          Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?
          A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

          Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?
          A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for

          Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
          A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

          Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
          A. The porcupine has ****** on the outside.

          Q. When do you care for a man's company?
          A. When he owns it.

          Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
          A. Three, if you slice them very thinly.

          Q. Why do men get married?
          A. So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

          Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
          A. His hand caught fire.

          Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
          A. Put the remote between his feet.

          Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
          A. So they can find their way back to the house.

          Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
          A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married
          women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.


            A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech

            The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him
            with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a
            problem you don't think you can solve," he said

            Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales
            took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his
            wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took
            out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

            The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at
            the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press
            and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the
            problem was soon behind him.

            About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in
            sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his
            previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The
            message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly

            After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again
            fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door
            and opened the third envelope.

            The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."


              A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital
              when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining
              consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical
              joker, sitting at his bed side.

              He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't
              worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the
              hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and
              both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you."

              The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and
              said, "Well what did you name them?"

              The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

              The husband said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with
              for my son?"

              The brother replied, "Denephew."


                There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep
                mountain road.

                The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
                Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against
                the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.

                They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but
                otherwise unharmed.

                The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee,
                have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop
                a solution."

                The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method
                never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take
                the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

                The programmer said "I think your both wrong! I think we should all
                push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."


                  1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
                  oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
                  most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid
                  cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both
                  eaten by a killer whale.

                  2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a
                  carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions.
                  After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an
                  ax leaving her mentally retarded.

                  3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
                  world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down
                  eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust,
                  his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been
                  cut off.

                  4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
                  frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
                  towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the
                  deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
                  back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been

                  happily listening to his Walkman.

                  5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
                  sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
                  two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded,
                  trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

                  And the capper.......

                  6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
                  letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
                  Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


                    A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went

                    through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
                    higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
                    airplane. The
                    next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

                    "So, did you jump?" the father asked.

                    "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
                    sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
                    got up and
                    just walked out of the plane!"

                    "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

                    "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
                    and throw them out the door."

                    "Did you jump then?" asked the father.

                    "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man

                    left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
                    told me to get
                    off the plane or he'd kick my butt."

                    "So, did you jump?"

                    "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the

                    door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump
                    Master is
                    this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me,
                    are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the
                    Jump Master
                    pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten
                    long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump
                    out that door,
                    or I'm sticking this little baby up your a*s.'"

                    "So, did you jump?" asked the father.

                    "Well, a little, at first."


                      > "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"
                      > The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
                      > immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug.
                      > They make love like never before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and
                      > SHAKING
                      > uncontrollably and when it was over, much to her husband's surprise,
                      > FAINTED!
                      > After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite

                      > astounded says: "Darlin, you sure never moved like that forty years
                      ago or
                      > ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember. The women, gasping for breath,
                      > able to speak, says: