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Please put more jokes here

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    A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be
    able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the pheasant, "But I haven't
    got the energy."

    "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
    "They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and
    found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of
    the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
    branch. And so on. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
    at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed
    into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
    of the tree.

    Bulltulip might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!!!


      Chinese Proverbs

      Confucius say...
      Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

      Confucius say...
      Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

      Confucius say...
      Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

      Confucius say...
      He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

      Confucius say...
      Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with
      solution in hand.

      Confucius say...
      Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

      Confucius say...
      Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

      Confucius say...
      Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

      Confucius say...
      Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.

      Confucius say....
      Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

      Confucius say...
      Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting
      on pants.

      Confucius say...
      Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not
      feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

      Confucius say...
      Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

      Confucius say...
      Rape impossible. Woman run faster with skirt up, than
      Man with pants down.

      Confucius say...
      He who run behind bus get exhausted.

      Confucius say:
      Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

      Confucius say...
      Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

      Confucius say...
      He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

      Confucius say...
      Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger

      Confucius say...
      Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is ******* Nuts.


        A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition
        to find contestants who could come up with words that were not
        found in any English Dictionary yet could still use these words
        in a sentence that would make logical sense, the prize being a
        return trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many
        callers, the following two standing out :

        DJ: QFM, what's your name?

        Caller: Hi me name's Dave.

        DJ: Dave, what is your word?

        Caller: Gaan spelt G A A N

        DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
        Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English
        Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to
        Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would
        make logical sense?

        Caller: Gaan **** yourself!

        At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that
        there is no place for that sort of language on a family show.
        After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following

        DJ: QFM, what's your name?

        Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.

        DJ: Jeff, what is your word?

        Caller: Smee spelt S M E E

        DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct,
        Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English
        Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to
        Bali, is, what sentence can you use that in that would
        make logical sense?

        Caller: Smee again! Gaan **** yourself !


          "The Gift"

          A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new
          sweetheart's birthday,and as they had not been
          dating very long, after careful deration, decided
          a pair of gloves would strike the right note:
          romantic, but not too personal.
          Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
          he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white
          gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties
          for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed
          up the items and the sister got the gloves and
          the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking
          the contents, the young man sealed the package
          and sent it to his sweetheart with the following

          "I chose these because I noticed that you are not
          in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the
          evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
          would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
          but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

          "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
          them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
          for the past three weeks and they were hardly
          soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she
          looked really smart.

          "I wish I was there to put them on for you the
          first time, as no doubt other hands will come
          in contact with them before I have a chance to
          see you again. "When you take them off, remember
          to blow in them before putting them away as they
          will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

          "Just think how many times I will kiss them during
          the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me
          on Friday night.

          All my love.

          "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down
          with a little fur showing."


            The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a
            farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas
            insurance agent.

            Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you
            had never felt better in your life?"

            Farmer: "That's right."

            Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
            seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

            Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had
            a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was
            all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought

            under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say I've never

            felt better in my life.


              Darwin Awards :-

              1. A 27 year old woman from France lost control over her car on a
              highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree seriously injuring
              her co-driver and killing herself. Accidents like this occur quite
              often and usually don't qualify for a Darwin award nomination. This
              accident is special because the drivers attention for the road was
              distracted by her Tamagotchi which hang on the car keys and
              beeped for food. Wanting to save the Tamagotchis life the French
              woman ignored the road and killed herself.

              2. Apparently, in Brazil, 3 people were flying in a plane at low
              altitude, when another plane approached. For a lark, they decided
              to "moon" the other plane. Somehow, in the execution of this
              maneuver, they lost control of the plane and crashed. They were
              all found dead with their pants around their ankles.

              3. A police officer in Ohio responded to a call that was made to
              911. She had no details before arriving except that someone
              was reporting that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the
              officer found this man face down on the couch, naked. When she
              rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR if necessary
              she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
              arrived and removed the man (who was and still is dead) the police
              made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man
              had made a hole between the cushions. After flipping the couch
              over they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man
              would put his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and
              between 2 ELECTRIC SANDERS (with out the sand paper
              obviously). According to the story, after he had his orgasm the,
              ahem, discharge shorted out the sander electrocuting him to death.

              4. (AP) LOS ANGELES - Police officials would not release the
              name of a Pacoima man who was found dead yesterday after
              responding to complaints from neighbors that a bad smell was
              coming from his apartment. Upon entering the apartment, officers
              were surprised to see that every square inch of the apartment,
              including appliances and even the inside of the toilet, were covered
              with pornographic images cut from magazines. "The visual effect was very
              unsettling," said Officer Hradj of the Pacoima Police. "Because
              everything looked the same, You could not tell where one wall ended and a
              doorway began." The surprises did not end there, however. Police described
              the man as having "concocted a wire- frame around his head" upon which the
              man had taped various pornographic images, apparently so he could freely
              move about his apartment without ever losing his close-up view of nude
              bodies. Small slits had been cut into the paper so he could find his way,
              but according to Hradj, "he had almost no peripheral vision. He could
              see a thing." The man was found nude with this wire frame entangled in a
              hanging lamp "We think he had been dusting," said another police officer,
              "because a feather duster was lying nearby, and his head gear had somehow
              become caught in the lamp, which was chained to the ceiling. " The
              man allegedly choked to death trying to extricate himself from his
              predicament. According to his apartment manager, the white male in his
              mid-30's never left his apartment, and had food delivered weekly.
              Funeral services are planned for next week. His next of kin
              requested that his name be withheld.

              5. In an Inuit village, a young man was searching for a way of
              getting drunk for free because he had no money to buy alcohol. So
              he mixed gasoline with milk to get his buzz. After he drank it he
              became ill and vomited on the fireplace in his house which in turn
              ignited his vomit and burned his house down killing him and his

              6. A recent suicide was found as follows: 34 yr. old white male
              found in the basement of his home died of suffocation. He was
              approximately 6'2" and 225 lb. He was wearing a pleated skirt,
              wig, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig.
              It appeared that he was trying to create a school girls uniform
              look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter
              canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The
              other end of the hose was connected to a hollow wooden piece of
              a bed post approximately 12 inches long and 3 inches in diameter.
              This bedpost was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown,
              and was the cause of his suffocation. It was difficult to explain the
              circumstances of his death to his family members


                Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed
                a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.
                They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of
                respect and propriety, the Liverpool fan took off his hat and
                placed it over her right breast. The Newcastle fan took off
                his hat and placed it over her left breast. Following their
                lead, the Manchester United fan took off his hat and placed
                it over her crotch. The police were called and when the
                officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted
                up the Liverpool hat, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
                Next, he lifted the Newcastle hat, replaced it, and wrote down
                some more notes. The officer then lifted the Man Utd hat,
                replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a
                third time, and replaced it one last time. The Man Utd fan was
                getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or
                something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and
                looking?" Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised.
                Normally when I look under a Man Utd hat, I find an arsehole."


                  This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe
                  he'd like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet
                  shop in search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot
                  sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy
                  says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
                  "I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
                  "Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
                  understood what I said and answered me."
                  "I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly
                  intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
                  "Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this;how do you hang onto your
                  perch without any feet?"
                  "Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since
                  you asked I'll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this
                  wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it cause of my
                  "Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"
                  "Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse wit
                  competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports,
                  physics, philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought
                  to buy me. I am a great companion."
                  The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford
                  "Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
                  "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20
                  just make an offer." The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out
                  with the parrot. Weeks go by.
                  The parrot is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great
                  pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The
                  guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot
                  says, Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up
                  close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not,"
                  says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the mailman."
                  "What?" says the guy.
                  "Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today your
                  wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
                  "What happened then?" asks the guy.
                  "Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and
                  began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
                  "Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
                  "Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to
                  look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and
                  The parrot pauses for a long time. "What happened? What happened?"
                  says the frantic guy.
                  "I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."


                    A husband and wife are driving and they get pulled over by a policeman.The
                    policeman gets to the car and asks for the man`s license.The man
                    replies,"Why do you need my license? What did I do wrong?"The policeman
                    answers,"You were travelling 45 mph in a 30 mph zone." "Come on, officer,"
                    the man replies,"You know I was only going 35.""No you weren`t!" quips the
                    wife, "I told you you were speeding! I toldyou not to go fast. I knew you`d
                    get a ticket!""Shut Up!" grunts the husband.The policeman continues,"I`m
                    also am charging you for going through ared light.""Officer," the man
                    explains, "you know as well as I, that light wasyellow - not red."The wife
                    pipes in, "No, it was most definitely red - I told you it wasred - I told
                    you."At this point the husband is infuriated. He yells at his wife,
                    "SHUTUP!"The policeman exclaims, "Hey! stop yelling at your wife!" He
                    thenturns to the wife and asks, "Does he always talk to you this way?"She
                    calmly replies, "No, only when he`s been drinking."


                      A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a
                      beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
                      "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
                      The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks
                      him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck,
                      and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says
                      OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
                      As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
                      glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and belt
                      at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out
                      a shotgun and blows the guy away.
                      The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
                      worry, the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley, and are in season
                      now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes
                      his beer, gets back in his truck, And heads back onto the freeway.
                      Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door
                      breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and
                      sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all
                      engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has
                      ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what
                      happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling
                      several of them instantly.
                      A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
                      screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought
                      nerds were in season." "Well, sure." said the patrolman, "But you can't
                      bait 'em."