• Visitors can check out the Forum FAQ by clicking this link. You have to register before you can post: click the REGISTER link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. View our Forum Privacy Policy.
  • Want to receive the latest contracting news and advice straight to your inbox? Sign up to the ContractorUK newsletter here. Every sign up will also be entered into a draw to WIN £100 Amazon vouchers!

Please put more jokes here

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts


    We need = I want
    It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
    Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
    We need to talk = I need to complain
    Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
    I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
    You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
    You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
    I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period
    Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
    This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
    I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
    I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
    Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
    I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
    Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
    How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going
    to like
    I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on
    Is my bum fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
    You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
    Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
    Yes = No
    No = No
    Maybe = No
    I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
    Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to
    Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
    goes to sleep
    I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
    All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
    we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to
    look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look great in the
    bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


    The same old thing = Nothing
    Nothing = Everything
    Everything = My PMS is acting up
    Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain the butt
    I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam



      "I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
      "I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
      "I'm tired" = I'm tired
      "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have
      sex with you
      "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have
      sex with you
      "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
      "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
      "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
      "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you
      "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
      "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
      are you going through now?
      "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
      "I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
      "I love you" = Let's have sex now
      "I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
      "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before
      "Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
      person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
      "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
      with other guys
      "I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any f**king dress and
      let's go home!


        Subject: The Taxi Driver

        A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend
        to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing
        left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip

        If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
        So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab

        He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
        promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
        credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc.
        but to no avail.

        The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have
        fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman
        was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to
        catch his flight.

        One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
        regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he
        won big.

        Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
        casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

        Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,
        but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down
        on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could
        make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

        The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
        ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
        "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get
        the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each
        cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same

        When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and
        asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied
        "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.
        Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
        gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


          Excerpt from a recent live radio interview on one of the regional Welsh

          A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a Youth club:

          Interviewer: So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with
          these children on this adventure holiday?

          Mr Jones: We're going to teach them climbing, abseiling, canoeing,

          Interviewer: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

          Jones: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range.

          Interviewer: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
          activity to be teaching children?

          Jones: I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range
          discipline before they even touch a firearm.

          Interviewer: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

          Jones: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one are

          Needless to say, the interview was terminated almost immediately......


            Heaven or Hell

            There once was a consultant who lived her whole life without ever taking
            advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that
            every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking
            down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
            Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
            Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St.Peter. "Before you get settled
            in though it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
            never once had an consultant make it this far and we're not really sure what
            to do with you."
            "No problem, just let me in." said the consultant. "Well, I'd like to, but
            I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell
            and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend
            an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay
            in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules..."
            And with that St. Peter put the consultant in an elevator and it went
            down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the consultant found herself
            stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
            In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
            friends - fellow consultants that she had worked with and they were all
            dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on
            both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round
            of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an
            excellent steak and lobster dinner.
            She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
            had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The consultant was having good
            time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her
            hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went
            up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting
            for her.
            "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."
            So the consultant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and
            playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it
            her 24 hours were up and St.Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day
            in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your
            eternity." The consultant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I
            never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all,
            but I think I had a better time in Hell."
            So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the consultant went
            down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found
            herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She
            saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
            putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
            "I don't understand," stammered the consultant, "yesterday I was here and
            there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced
            and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my
            friends look miserable." The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because
            yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."


              'Twas The Night Before Implementation
              (author unknown)

              'Twas the night before implementation,
              And all through the house,
              Not a program was working
              (Not even a browse).

              The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
              With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
              The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
              While visions of enquiries all dances in their heads.

              When out of the scope their arose such a clatter,
              I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
              And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
              But a super-programmer (with a six-pack of beer).

              His resume glowed with experience so rare,
              He turned out great code with a bit-pusher's flair.
              More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
              And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
              "On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
              On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!"

              His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
              From weekends and nights in front of a screen.
              A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
              Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

              He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
              Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk;
              And laying his finger on the <Enter> key,
              The system came up and worked perfectly.

              The updates updated; the deletes they deleted.
              The inquiries inquired; and closing completed.
              He tested each whistle, and tested each bell;
              With nary an abend, all had gone well.

              The system was finished, the tests were concluded
              (The users' last changes were even included).
              And the user exclaimed, with a snarl and a taunt;
              "It's just what I asked for, but not what I want!"


                A college professor, who was previously a sailor, was very aware that
                ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered in what
                gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he
                set up two groups of computer experts.

                The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each group
                was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in
                the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to
                give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

                The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
                in the masculine gender because:

                1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
                2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
                3. They are suppose to help you solve problems, but half the time they
                are the problem.
                4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited
                a little longer you could have had a better model.

                The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred
                to in the feminine gender because:

                1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
                2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
                is incomprehensible to everyone else.
                3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
                4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
                half your paycheck on accessories for it.


                  A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
                  On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the
                  bed sheets as her husband undresses.

                  He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be

                  "My darring,I know dis you firt time and you flighten...
                  I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do
                  anyting you want. What you want"

                  "I wanna numma 69", she replies.

                  He responds, "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"


                    HOROSCOPES for the new year
                    > Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)
                    > You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
                    > You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly
                    > because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
                    > Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)
                    > You are a pioneer type and think most people are pratts.
                    > You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You
                    > do nothing but p*ss off everyone you come in contact with.
                    > You are a complete waster, fool and an irrelevance.
                    > Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
                    > You have a wild imagination and often think you are being
                    > followed or the police have planted a homing device up your
                    backside. You have minor influence on your friends, lack
                    > confidence and are a general moron.
                    > Taurus (April 23- May 22)
                    > You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
                    > determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
                    > stubborn and bullheaded. In reality you are just a useless
                    > and unattractive blockhead.
                    > Gemini (May 23- June 22)
                    > You are a quick and intelligent thinker. The only reason people
                    > like you is because you are a cheap and easy lay. You are
                    > inclined to expect too much for too little i.e. you are a tightarse.
                    > Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
                    > Cancer (June 23- July 22)
                    > You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
                    > problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting
                    > things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't
                    > be worth a squat. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
                    > Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
                    > You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an
                    > idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate
                    > criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves,
                    > enjoy masturbation and are ratsh*t in bed.
                    > Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
                    > You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your nit-picking
                    > attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are
                    > cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing.
                    > Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
                    > Libra (Sept 23- Oct 22)
                    > You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing
                    > with reality. If you are a male you are probably queer.
                    > Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most
                    > Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
                    > Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
                    > You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and
                    > cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
                    > because of your total lack of ethics. You are despised by
                    > everyone. Most Scorpios are murdered.
                    > Sagittarius (Nov 23- Dec 22)
                    > You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
                    > tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The
                    > majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless
                    > piece of sh*t.
                    > Capricorn (Dec 23- Jan 22)
                    > You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are
                    > basically chickensh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of
                    > any importance. You should kill yourself.


                      The following article was published in the Brisbane Courier-Mail, 10/10/98:

                      "The charges against me of drunken and dangerous driving are clearly unjust,"
                      GP Andrew Swindells told a Brisbane court, after calling himself as an expert
                      witness in his own defence. "I happen to be a medical specialist in this matter, and
                      shall prove that I was mentally unconscious at the time of the incident, and
                      therefore not responsible for my own actions.
                      "The problem began as I was leaving a Christmas party, where I had been drinking
                      for several days. I had intended to leave my car where I'd parked it and call a cab,
                      but I tripped, fell, and was struck on the head by a large terracotta pot. This left me
                      in what we doctors call an 'automatistic' state, which meant that my body began
                      operating like a robot. I could still perform well-remembered tasks, but I was in fact
                      mentally unconscious. This explains why I then got into my car and drove off at high
                      speed on the wrong side of the road, straight through several red lights. You have
                      already heard from the police that, when they arrested me, I gave them the wrong
                      name, an incorrect address and said I'd been at work instead of at a party. That sort
                      of amnesiac behaviour is typical of a man who is mentally unconscious, not drunk."

                      After listening to this expert defence testimony, magistrate Michael Halliday
                      declared "I accept without hesitation the evidence given by the defendant with
                      regard to his own health condition. I am fully satisfied that he was not acting
                      voluntarily or consciously. Case dismissed."