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Please put more jokes here

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    Top marks this week go to the government agency in Scunthorpe who updated
    their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing
    profanity or obscene language of any kind. All was fine, till they realised
    that no-one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they
    installed the software... They
    checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright
    spark pointed out that all their email addresses are
    "[email protected]"


      From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes a true story.

      Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood tavern.
      Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated
      he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few
      minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

      After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man
      managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes
      as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

      Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off it was a fine, dry
      night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched
      on the

      He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, then remained still for a few more
      minutes as more vehicles left.

      At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the
      The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
      the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and
      carried out a breathalyzer test. To officers amazement the breathalyzer
      indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

      Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
      Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

      "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


        Famous Last Words: The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
        Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
        (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the
        radio in the 1920s)


          A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful
          pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies
          and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he
          notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious
          intention of having lunch.

          The dog thinks, "Begob, I'm in deep tulipe now." (He was an Irish
          setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and
          immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
          approaching cat.

          Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that
          was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

          Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of
          terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the
          leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

          Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
          tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
          protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog sees him heading
          after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

          The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
          a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a
          fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
          happen to that conniving canine."

          Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and
          thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog
          sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them

          And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that
          monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to
          bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"


            Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they
            get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't
            step on the ducks."

            So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
            place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they
            try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

            Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter
            chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a
            duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

            The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and
            along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is
            another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same
            admonishment as for the first guy.

            The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained
            for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he

            He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
            St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid
            eyes on...a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains
            them together without saying a word.

            The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
            you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I
            stepped on a duck.


              A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She
              called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print:
              Bernie is dead."

              The man at the newspaper said, "But for £25 you are allowed to print six

              The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."


                The Religious Instruction teacher was speaking to her class one morning
                and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven...which part of
                your body goes first?"

                Susie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

                "Why do you think it's your hands, Susie?"

                Susie replied, "...because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
                front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

                "What a wonderful answer!," the teacher said.

                Now, Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

                The teacher looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now,
                Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

                Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other
                night, Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was going, 'O
                God, I'm coming!' - - - and if Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost
                her for sure!"


                  LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY
                  1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
                  2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
                  3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up
                  4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
                  5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
                  6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can
                  tell them apart.
                  7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to
                  make some woman miserable.
                  8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
                  9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
                  10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
                  11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
                  12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in
                  biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
                  13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
                  14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it
                  you laugh at his.
                  15 Sadly, all men are created equal. Just a thought for all the women
                  out there...

                  Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? MENtal illness
                  MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause. And
                  when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy.


                    A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home
                    near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks
                    of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new
                    school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys,
                    full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street,
                    beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The
                    crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the
                    wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next
                    afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as
                    they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said,
                    "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your
                    exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when
                    I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a
                    dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your
                    thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job
                    on the trashcans.

                    After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but
                    this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's
                    really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From
                    now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the

                    The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted
                    his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days
                    later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed
                    their way down the street.

                    "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet,
                    so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will
                    that be okay?"

                    "A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're
                    going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter,
                    you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed
                    peace and serenity for the rest of his days.


                      > A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
                      he's drinking the monkey jumps all around he place. The monkey grabs some
                      olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
                      them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,sticks
                      it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
                      > The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
                      > The guy says "No, what?"
                      > "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
                      > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
                      sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".
                      > He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate,
                      then leaves.
                      > Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
                      orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
                      man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs
                      it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
                      > The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
                      > "No, what?" replies the guy.
                      > "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the
                      > "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats
                      everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures
                      everything first."