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    A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding goes to his mother
    with the following question. "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
    The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the
    town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his mum and goes
    off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding
    dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
    "Son, all household appliances come in white."

    Comment


      Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.
      bloggoth

      If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'
      John Wayne (My guru, not to be confused with my beloved prophet Jeremy Clarkson)

      Comment


        Originally posted by xoggoth View Post
        Apart from the odd repeat still excellent. Keep it up Mr B.
        thank you kind Sir. I have seen several more repeats I have not posted.

        But I am nearly out of jokes from my files - I might have to resort to internet searches soon...

        Comment


          Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was
          increasingly hampered by incredible headaches.

          When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought
          medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he
          finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
          "The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it
          will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes
          your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure
          creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is
          to remove the testicles."

          Joe was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go
          under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but
          he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he
          walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different
          person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked
          past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new
          suit."
          He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
          The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
          Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
          "It's my job."
          Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
          mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
          Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."
          The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a
          half neck"
          Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
          "It's my job."
          Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
          collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"
          Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."
          The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."
          Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
          "It's my job."
          Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
          around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
          Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."
          The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8."
          Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
          "It's my job."
          The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,
          "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
          "Sure..."
          The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size
          36."
          Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
          The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press
          your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell
          of a headache."

          Comment


            There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the
            following people are stranded:
            2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
            2 French men and 1 French woman
            2 German men and 1 German woman
            2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
            2 English men and 1 English woman
            2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
            2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
            2 American men and 1 American woman
            2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
            2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman
            2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

            One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
            of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
            One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
            The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having
            loads of sex.
            the two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with
            the German woman.
            The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
            cleaning and cooking for them.
            The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
            woman.
            The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the
            Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
            The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the
            American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
            nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the
            necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her
            last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
            relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low
            and it is not raining.
            The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
            The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
            who is checking out all the other men, after calling them 'bloody *******".
            One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi
            is searching the island for sheep.
            The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting
            up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
            gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they
            are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

            Comment


              I Am The Very Model of a Microsoft Executive (By Brad Rhodes, with
              inspiration from Lincoln Spector's "The Pirates of Pentium" and apologies to
              Sir William Gilbert...)

              Bill Gates:
              I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive
              Work sixteen hours ev'ry shift on days that are consecutive
              I make a line of software that is of the highest quality
              But leave in bugs to fix in upgrades in perpetuality

              Though some might claim that we compete in ways that are not very just
              That's just vindictive rumor spun by folks who can't compete with us
              Besides they cannot prove a thing, no judge will ever take their side
              We'll crush them with our lawyers known for litigation far and wide.

              Men's Chourus:
              He'll crush them with his lawyers known for litigation far and far
              and wide!

              Gates:
              My coders work a schedule bordering on impropriety
              But they'll still work for peanuts til they're vested in entirety
              I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
              That I'm the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

              Chorus:
              I'm sure that you will all agree that this is all inde-cu-tive
              He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

              Gates:
              We made our windows system one which we hold in propriety
              And tweak it every now and then to screw up Lotus 1-2-3
              Developing for Windows makes our competition often frown
              They haven't any choice -- our system is the only game in town.

              We'll use people's inventions that will make our software sell the best
              Idea is the first step but the market is the real test
              And though we may use other's thoughts and intellectual property
              Stealing's such a nasty word, we like to call it R&D.

              Chorus:
              Stealing's such a nasty word, he likes to call it R&-R&D.

              Gates [faster]:
              My business tactics are compared with Henry Ford and Genghis Kahn
              They built me up from nerdy kid to billionaire and then beyond
              And while my competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
              I am the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

              Chorus:
              And while his competition spews out words full of invec-u-tive
              He is the very model of a Microsoft Executive!

              Comment


                >A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
                > to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean. When she went
                > down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears
                > and took pity on her.
                >
                >
                > "Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America
                > in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
                >I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."
                >
                >
                >
                > Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her
                > and added "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
                >
                >
                > The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night,
                > the sailor brought her abroad and hid her in a lifeboat. From then
                >on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
                >and they
                >shagged furiously.
                >
                >Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by
                > the Captain.
                >
                >"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
                >
                > "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained,
                > "He's taking me to America, and he's screwing me."
                >
                > "He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Dover-Calais
                > ferry."

                Comment


                  A 90-year-old man went to the doctor's
                  and asked for a
                  sperm count.

                  "It can't be very high," the doctor
                  said. "There's really
                  no need for it."

                  But the old man still wanted it all the
                  same. "All right
                  then," the doctor said. She went to her
                  cabinet, got out
                  a small container, and gave it to the
                  man. "Take this jar
                  home, do a little jobby in the jar, and
                  bring it back here."

                  A week later, the doctor was coming out
                  of her office when
                  she found the old man and his wife
                  sitting in the waiting
                  room. They handed her the jar. "But
                  the jar is empty," she
                  said after looking at it. "I told you
                  that you had to do a
                  little jobby in the jar in order for me
                  to get the sperm
                  count."

                  "Doc," the man began. "I tried it with
                  my right hand, I
                  tried it with my left hand. My wife
                  tried it with her right
                  hand, and tried it with her left hand.
                  She even tried it with
                  her teeth out . . .

                  " . . . But that damn lid just wouldn't
                  come off!"

                  Comment


                    A cargo plane is in mid-flight way out
                    over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit
                    door bursts open to reveal an armed,
                    masked hijacker to a startled pilot,
                    copilot, navigator, and stewardess. He
                    holds his gun at the
                    pilot's head and says, "Take this plane
                    to Cuba or I'm gonna spill your brains
                    all over the place!"

                    The pilot calmly reaches up, pushes the
                    gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you
                    shoot me this plane will crash right
                    into the sea and you'll die along with
                    the rest of us."

                    The hijacker thinks about this and then
                    holds the gun at the copilot's head and
                    says, "Take this plane to Cuba or I'm
                    gonna spill HIS brains all over the
                    place."

                    But the copilot also calmly reaches up,
                    pushes the gun aside and says, "Listen
                    to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and
                    he could keel over at the shock of my
                    being killed like that. So if you shoot
                    me, this plane will still
                    crash right into the sea and you'll die
                    along with the rest of us."

                    The hijacker thinks about this for a
                    moment and then holds the gun at the
                    navigator's head and says, "Take this
                    plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HIS
                    brains all over the place."

                    But the navigator calmly reaches up,
                    pushes the gun aside and says, "I
                    wouldn't do that if I were you. Those
                    other two guys have no sense of
                    direction. Without me they couldn't find
                    their way out of a paper bag much
                    less get this plane to Cuba. So if you
                    shoot me, this plane will still crash
                    right into the sea and you'll die along
                    with the rest of us."

                    The hijacker thinks some more, shrugs
                    and this time holds the gun at the
                    stewardess's head and says, "Take this
                    plane to Cuba or I'm gonna spill HER
                    brains all over the place."

                    No one says a word but the stewardess
                    leans over and whispers something into
                    the hijacker's ear. The hijacker turns
                    beet red, drops his gun, and runs out of
                    the cockpit in a panic.

                    Later after the crew has tracked down
                    the hijacker (whom they found cowering
                    behind some crates in the hold) and tied
                    him up, the pilot asks the stewardess
                    what she said that terrified the man so.
                    "I told him, sir,
                    that if he killed me, HE'd be the one
                    who'd have to give you guys your
                    blowjobs."

                    Comment


                      Two men camping in the mountains had
                      spent four days together, and
                      they were getting a little testy. One
                      morning, the first friend
                      says,"You know, we're starting to get
                      on each other's nerves. Why
                      don't we split up today. I'll hike
                      north and spend the day looking
                      around, you hike south and spend the
                      day. Then tonight, we'll have
                      dinner and share our experiences over
                      the campfire." The second friend
                      agrees and hikes south. The first man
                      hikes north.

                      That night over dinner, the first man
                      tells his story. "Today I hiked
                      into a beautiful valley. I followed a
                      stream up into a canyon and ate
                      lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear
                      mountain lake. As I sat out and
                      dried, I watched deer come and drink
                      from the stream. The wildflowers
                      were filled with butterflies and hawks
                      floated all day overhead. How
                      was your day?"

                      The second friend says, "I went south
                      and ran across a set of railroad
                      tracks. I followed them until I came
                      across a beautiful young woman
                      tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off
                      and we had sex in every
                      imaginable way all afternoon. Finally,
                      when I was so tired I could
                      barely move, I came back to camp."

                      "Wow," the first guy says, "did you get
                      a blow job?" "No," says the
                      second friend. "I couldn't find her
                      head."

                      Comment

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